Unlike last weekend, we take this opportunity to celebrate a happy couple.
It became quickly obvious, however, that the new chapter opening up in Jennifer Aniston life would be no match for Robert Pattinson's reemergence into the spotlight.
Boy, did he sparkle! (And can you believe the Olympics were still going on just a week ago?!)
BIG APPLE CIRCUS: Robert Pattinson hit the ground running in New York like he was playing real-life Halo—refueling, fielding questions, dodging Kristen Stewart references, lobbing sound bites about life and Cosmopolis and suiting up in battle-worthy gear. By Jove, this week as a whole was his best performance yet!
FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS: Jennifer Aniston is engaged to Justin Theroux. It does not matter that they announced this the same weekend that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were rumored to be getting married. It just doesn't matter!
BLOND AMBITION: Miley Cyrus is so in love with her short, blond, asymmetrical haircut. Fiancé Liam Hemsworth digs it, too—and it certainly got Ellen's attention! It doesn't make the cigarette look any cooler, though.
ON THE ROAD AGAIN: We're hearing that Kristen Stewart—who's probably glad the Huntsman is taking over—will emerge from the darkness at a special screening, date TBA, of On the Road at the Toronto Film Festival. And K.Stew's Panic Room mom, Jodie Foster, just abhors what the media are doing to young people these days.
A VERY LONG DISENGAGEMENT: Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries' divorce attorneys were in court this week, almost a year to the day that they got married. Kanye West's new video, featuring Kim, came out just in time.
ROYAL BLUE: Kate Middleton's second cousin, burlesque performer Katrina Darling, made the September cover of Playboy and posed for an eight-page nude photo spread.
SISTER TACT: If you posted a comment online calling Tia Mowry's bouncing baby boy ugly, well then...don't be expecting a Christmas card this year.
WORST WEEK EVER: Chad Johnson (formerly Ochocinco formerly Johnson) was busted for domestic violence. Then the Miami Dolphins cut him, VH1 canceled his reality show, he lost an endorsement and his wife filed for divorce. He had better be thanking his fans for standing by him.
REUNITED AND IT FEELS SO GOOD: Maybe Jennifer Garner was lonesome for birthday-boy Ben Affleck back home, but emotions ran high when she went backstage to see former Alias costar Victor Garber after his cabaret performance in New York...The Spice Girls made the most of being together again following their one-off performance at the Olympics Closing Ceremony.
UNHITCHING POST: Kenny G filed for divorce from wife Lyndie Benson-Gorelick after almost 20 years of marriage.
FASHIONABLY GREAT: Michael Phelps is Louis Vuitton's latest water boy...Britney Spears channeled Jean Harlow for her Elizabeth Arden Fantasy Twist fragrance shoot...We always thought it, but now David Beckham modeling underwear is actually art.
GOLDEN ENCORE: After the awesome-and-strange Olympics Closing Ceremony, the Fierce Five made McKayla faces for David Letterman...Ryan Lochte shot a cameo for 90210 and mock-peed in the E! building fountain with Fashion Police host Joan Rivers...Gabby Douglas talked meeting royalty and bantered with Michelle Obama.
ACCIDENTS-R-US: Neck brace-wearing Kristin Chenoweth had to leave The Good Wife while recovering from her on-set accident...Mayim Bialik's hand got all cut up in a car crash, but she was back on the set of The Big Bang Theory the next day, thanking everyone for their good wishes...Kelly Osbourne is nursing a swollen foot after taking a tumble on the America's Got Talent stage...Robert Downey Jr. hurt his ankle on the set of Iron Man 3...Gilles Marini, he of the strained groin on his season, is already in pain while rehearsing for Dancing With the Stars' all-star season.
STATUS REPORT: Jenny McCarthy and Chicago Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher have stopped seeing each other...Jennie Garth's been holding hands with photographer Noah Abrams...Daniel Alvarez doesn't sound sorry about breaking up with Teen Mom's Farrah Abraham...Vanessa and Kobe Bryant are chugging along, so long as he remains a winner...Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds were happily working up a sweat together.
BABY BOOM: Beyoncé's baby wears daddy's concert T-shirt while enjoying her bottle...Mariah Carey offers up new pics of Dem Babies...Real Housewives of Atlanta's Kim Zolciak welcomed her fourth child and second with hubby Kroy Biermann, son Kash Krade...Sonny With a Chance's Tiffany Thornton and husband Chris Carney welcomed their first child, son Kenneth James...Uma Thurman debuted her still-anonymous-to-us baby daughter in New York.
POST-POSTMORTEM: Rihanna opened up to Oprah Winfrey about, what else, Chris Brown.
CLAWS OUT: Russian punk trio Pussy Riot were sentenced to two years in prison for hooliganism after staging a protest concert at a church. Their conviction and subsequent harsh sentence has outraged fellow artists around the world.
SCREEN PLAY: Channing Tatum does not strip one bit in the 10 Years trailer...Joan Cusack and Forest Whitaker talk a good game in the Toys in the Attic trailer...Start popping the corn—The Avengers sequel opens in theaters May 1, 2015...Raiders of the Lost Ark will be released in IMAX for a week...Whitney Houston celebrated by costars, family, Ray J at Sparkle premiere...Peeta is fighting terrorists with Gale's brother in the Red Dawn trailer...The Bourne Legacy knocked The Dark Knight Rises off its box office pedestal.
TV LAND: Dancing With the Stars all-star pairings revealed!...Hope Solo doesn't remember Maks Chmerkovskiy kindly in her new memoir...Lea Michele dishes on sexy new season of Glee...Watch the Glee season four promo...Abby Elliott is leaving Saturday Night Live...Teen Mom 2's Jenelle Evans dared go after Snooki with bogus bad-parenting comments...Miley Cyrus will guest-star on Two and a Half Men...Stacy Keibler is going to host Supermarket Superstars on Lifetime.
MUSICAL NOTES: Lisa Marie and Priscilla Presley paid tribute to Elvis at Graceland on the 40th anniverary of his death...Taylor Swift's "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" is not about Joe Jonas...Jonas Brothers reuniting for one night only...Frank Ocean no longer opening for Coldplay...Marilyn Manson got his point across in a characteristically unorthodox way at the airport.
LAW & DISORDER: Jenna Jameson pleaded guilty to DUI...Chris Brown and Drake were sued for $16 million over that nightclub dustup...Joe Jackson dropped his wrongful death suit against Conrad Murray...Britney Spears actually attended a conservatorship hearing...Joe Simpson charged with DUI...Sheryl Crow secured a restraining order against a scary guy...Guilty of tax evasion isn't a good look for Lauryn Hill...Amanda Bynes accident being turned over to prosecutors...Fellow Parisian motorist tells police that Gérard Depardieu punched him following a minor Smart car-scooter accident.
FAREWELLS: Joey Kovar, Real World Hollywood and Celebrity Rehab alum, died of a possible drug overdose; he was 29...Ron Palillo, most famous for playing Horschak on Welcome Back, Kotter, died of a heart attack at 63...Helen Gurley Brown, legendary Cosmopolitan editor and Sex and the Single Girl author, died at 90...Sylvester Stallone spoke at length for the first time about son Sage's death.
HOT FUN IN THE SUMMERTIME: Kim Kardashian poses solo in the sand and rocks a one-piece in Hawaii...Kelly Ripa and Anderson Cooper kicked back in Croatia...Kanye and Kim grabbed a sweet treat in Honolulu...Taylor Swift donned a retro one-piece while summering with boyfriend Conor Kennedy and his famous family in Hyannis Port...Katy Perry's bikini bottoms almost refused to get out of the pool with her at Raging Waters...Michael Phelps' main squeeze, Megan Rossee, made a golden appearance in Santa Monica.