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UPDATE: The Florida Highway Patrol has just released the 911 recording of the Woods crash, in which an unidentified caller tells the dispatcher, "I have someone down in front of my house."

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Tiger Woods has broken his silence.

While the golf icon remains holed up in Florida home avoiding Florida Highway Patrol investigators for the second straight day, he did take time to compose his first public statement since his solo car crash early Friday.

"As you all know, I had a single-car accident earlier this week, and sustained some injuries. I have some cuts, bruising and right now I'm pretty sore," he writes on a message posted on tigerwoods.com.

"This situation is my fault, and it's obviously embarrassing to my family and me. I'm human and I'm not perfect. I will certainly make sure this doesn't happen again."

And about those reports that his marriage is on the skids?

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AP Photo/David Zentz; Jason Kempin/Getty Images

The denials just keep coming.

E! News today spoke exclusively with Rachel Uchitel, the woman in the middle of the Tiger Woods infidelity allegations, and she's ready to set the record straight.

"I did not have any involvement with him [Woods]. Whatever was written in the Enquirer was not said by me, it was said by two people that claimed they were friends of mine but they're not," the 34-year-old said.

"I am overwhelmed, so I hired [celebrity attorney] Gloria Allred to handle the situation. I don't want to get this much attention and I wish everybody would leave me alone."

Woods has issued his own denial about "the many false, unfounded and malicious rumors" regarding the health of his marriage.

Uchitel, who is currently in Los Angeles to huddle with Allred, says she's only met Woods twice, once with a mutual friend and another time at a club.

She dabbled in TV, as a producer for Bloomberg, and then worked in Las Vegas at Tao, dealing with VIP clients that came to the establishment.

Uchitel left Tao about two years ago and now lives in New York City and is working on investment projects. She's trying to reopen her grandparents' old nightclub.

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Get caught up on all the latest news about Tiger Woods here.

Darby Shaw/ZUMAPress.com, Chris Delmas/ZUMAPress.com

Rough Thanksgiving for the artists formerly known as Mr. and Mrs. Hasselhoff.

The lawyer for David Hasselhoff is trying to tamp down reports that the sobriety-challenged former Baywatcher spent the holiday weekend on a psych hold in a Los Angeles hospital following.

Meanwhile the lawyer for his ex-wife, Pamela Bach, will be busy after she was busted for DUI Saturday evening. More on that later; first let's focus on the Hoff.

According to an unconfirmed Radar Online report, Hasselhoff was hospitalized after he suffered some kind of seizure at his Encino home shortly before noon on Friday. Then today, the gossip site claimed the 57-year-old America's Got Talent judge was being kept in the hospital on a 5150 psychiatric hold.

But his attorney, Mel Goldsman, tells E! News those reports are false.   

"David's at home," says Goldsman. "He's fine. I'm not sure where that information is coming from."

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Summit Entertainment; Warner Bros. Pictures

Okay, so what should we call them: B.S.-ers? Side-dishes? Bli-hards?

Devotees of The Blind Side are deserving of their own Twi-hard-esque nickname after the Sandra Bullock football drama gave New Moon a run for the holiday box office, and, in rare fashion, grossed more money in its second weekend than its first.

Blind Side's Friday-Sunday take was estimated at $40.1 million. New Moon held off Team Bullock, and stayed No. 1 with $42.5 million.

The race between the two movies was tight for one statistical reason: The Blind Side surged, with business up nearly 20 percent; New Moon cooled, with ticket sales plunging 70 percent.

What happened to New Moon? What's up with The Blind Side? And is the world ready for a grown-up Zac Efron? Let's find out:

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Gerald Herbert/AP Photo

Maybe if the Secret Service made a cash offer, those White House intruders would be more amenable to a sit-down.

While reality-TV wannabes Michaele and Tareq Salahi have apparently yet to meet with the feds to talk about crashing a state dinner and coming face to face with President Obama, they are looking for a big payday to tell their story.

The Secret Service tried to track the couple down on Friday to no avail; now the embarrassed agency is mum on whether investigators have managed to meet with the Salahis since.

One place the feds need not stake out is the CNN HQ.

The couple, who were aiming for a slot on Bravo's upcoming Real Housewives of D.C., had been scheduled for a gratis interview on CNN's Larry King Live on Monday. But now they've scrapped that freebie and, according to The New York Times, are looking for something on the order of $100,000-plus to dish on their potentially criminal hijinks.

Now we'll have to wait and see which network will break out the checkbook for the most notorious aspiring TV stars this side of the Balloon Brood.

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Seal.com

For today's edition of stating the obvious news, Heidi Klum Samuel and Seal finally gave the world a glimpse their newest daughter Lou Sulola Samuel, and—spoiler alert—she's just as gorgeous as the rest of her brood.

The musician dad took to his personal website to post the first four photos of little Lou alongside her famous family, including shots of a glowing Klum holding her equally photogenic newborn close to her cheek, Seal cradling Lou in his hands, and mom surrounded by her other kiddies, Henry Gunther Ademola Dashtu Samuel, 4, Johan Riley Fyodor Taiwo Samuel, 2, Helene "Leni" Klum, 5.

Lou arrived back on Oct. 9, with this sweet sentiment from Seal: "From the moment she looked into both of our eyes it was endless love at first sight. She is beautiful beyond words and we are happy that she chose us to watch her grow over the coming years."

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Loving these baby pics? See more Famous Families here.

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Wedding bells have rung once again for Tom Arnold.

The funnyman walked down the aisle for the fourth time on Saturday, marrying home organizer Ashley Groussman in an intimate Maui ceremony, per People.

More than 75 friends and family members looked on as the two swapped "I do's" on the beachfront property, with actor—and Kristen Bell beau—Dax Shepard serving as Arnold's best man. Other guests included Mike Myers and Helen Hunt.

Arnold and Groussman began dating in April 2008, and became engaged at Arnold's 50th birthday party in March.

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If you need something more to be thankful for after the holiday weekend, here it is: You're probably not as big of a jerk as all the a-wipes in the gallery below. You're welcome!

You not only get an octo-dad, a pouting pummeler and a horny old man, but scads of other dubious dudes who will undoubtedly make you feel better about yourself.

And so, without further ado, check out these dudes à la douche.

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David Cannon/Getty Images

Hold that Tiger? More like find that Tiger.

Florida State Troopers can't seem to get a hold of Tiger Woods to discuss his car accident Friday morning. 

The holed-up-at-home sports star turned down the Florida Highway Patrol twice today, after troopers visited his Windermere, Fla., home looking for more answers regarding the bizarre tree- and hydrant-smashing crash. 

The Florida Highway Patrol received word from Wood's rep that the 33-year-old golf pro and his club-swinging wife, Elin Nordegren, would not be available for an interview that was previously scheduled for Saturday. 

Officers were asked to return to the home Sunday for a sitdown. The agency is still investigating the incident, and has not yet reviewed the 911 tapes from the accident. 

Woods' missing-in-action behavior comes on the heels of reports that the accident followed a spat between him and Nordegen over an alleged affair.  

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Jeffrey Mayer/Getty Images; Mike Marsland/Getty Images; John Shearer/Getty Images

Whoever said one is the loneliest number was so right.

These dresses—and the ladies wearing them—look so lopsided with just the one long sleeve. Paris Hilton seems pissed, Katherine Heigl's struggling to smile, and Kim Kardashian is putting on her bravest face. But inside, they're just crying for the other sleeve to make them feel whole again, right?!

We don't know why the extra fabric's disappearing—maybe the Tinseltown couture burglar has a sleeve fetish?—but we just want this fad to end so everyone can go back to wearing clothes that look normal and all will be right in the universe...or at least in La-La Land.

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What else are the stars wearing that's got us baffled? Find out in the Fashion Police gallery!