We've got the week covered for you, topless to bottom:
TOPLESS KATE FALLOUT: Prince William and Kate Middleton's scandal-marred Diamond Jubilee tour of Southeast Asia (including that most memorable stop in the Solomon Islands) came to an end, just in time for Star to possibly Photoshop a baby bump onto the Duchess of Cambridge's ever-slim midriff. But first, they filed a criminal complaint and a French court ordered the topless-pics-publishing Closer to cough up all of its digital copies of the photos—a move that we hope had an angered Will sleeping more soundly.
PEACE TALKS: We hear that Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are meeting up in secret to, well...they're talking, at least. But if they ever want to go more public, Kristen knows a good parking lot where everyone can see you. (Side note: Liberty Ross has been hanging out with ex-flame Christopher Taylor. In public.)
BLING-BLING: Blake Lively, who actually got married-married five days after her ceremony, flashed that rock of hers—but is it better than the one Ryan Reynolds gave Scarlett Johansson in another lifetime? Meanwhile, Ryan kept his wedding band under cover after the gym.
PIERSED OFF: Kelsey Grammer walked out on an interview with CNN's Piers Morgan after finding out that the network had flashed a photo of his ex-wife Camille Grammer as part of a teaser leading into his sit-down.
SIGN OF THE BYNES: Amanda Bynes hasn't let losing her driver's license (or her new post-actress career as Lindsay Lohan's successor in the drama department) slow her down. She was here and there all week and declared herself to be "doing amazing." What is there to do then?
SERIOUSLY?: Lohan, apparently feeling neglected and perhaps a bit scorned by Anderson Cooper, went out and got herself arrested for taking off after allegedly clipping a bystander as she pulled into a parking spot in Manhattan. It's bad enough when these ladies drive in L.A., but what famous person drives in New York? Come on! We hate to see such things, especially when she's looking so stunning in Liz & Dick and so intimate with Charlie Sheen in Scary Movie 5.
WHOA, BABY: Giuliana and Bill Rancic's latest pics of baby Edward were a big hit, and we got the first glimpse of their surrogate, Delphine...Jessica Simpson tweeted new pics of birthday boy Eric Johnson and their daughter Maxwell.
BABY BOOM: Shakira is pregnant with her and soccer player boyfriend Girard Piqué's first child...Pregnant Drew Barrymore talked impending motherhood...Melissa Joan Hart and hubby Mark Wilkerson welcomed their third child, son Tucker.
SPLITSVILLE: Chad Johnson and Evelyn Lozada are officially divorced...The Amazing Spider-Man's Chris Zylka maturely called out ex Lucy Hale on Twitter...Eric Stonestreet and Katherine Tokarz broke up a while back, and now she's engaged...The Facts of Life alum Lisa Whelchel divorced her husband after 24 years.
SCREENPLAY: Find out what Fifty Shades of Grey author E.L. James thinks about the quest to cast the film adaptation of her book...A member of the Lone Ranger crew drowned while working on a scene involving a water tank...Watch the new Hobbit trailer...Les Misérables is coming out on Christmas...Resident Evil: Retribution won the weekend box office and The Master was a limited-release hit.
TV LAND: Rookie houseguest Ian Terry won Big Brother 14...Top Chef: Seattle premieres Nov. 7...Usher and Shakira will sit in for CeeLo Green and Christina Aguilera on The Voice next season...Chehan Wespi-Tschopp (he should've won for that name alone) and Eliana Girard were crowned the winners of So You Think You Can Dance...Alexis Bellino is out of The Real Housewives of Orange County...Meet the new girls on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills...Maksim Chmerkovskiy is quitting Dancing With the Stars in, like, three seasons from now...Dina Lohan on Dr. Phil was a sight to behold...Kourtney & Kim Take Miami returns in January...Results from the 2012 Creative Arts Emmys.
RECAPVILLE: Catch up with all the action on Glee (featuring a très sexy Britney Spears homage from Lea Michele, The X Factor, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, Survivor: Philippines, The Voice, Sons of Anarchy, the Weeds series finale, Boardwalk Empire, Married to Jonas, Keeping Up With the Kardashians and Saturday Night Live.
LAW & DISORDER: Fiona Apple was busted for hashish possession...Shaun White apologized for being an A-one d-bag at a Nashville hotel...Newly divorced Chad Johnson struck a plea deal in his battery case...A judge refused a petition from unwitting Innocence of Muslims actress Cindy Lee Garcia to pull the film off of YouTube...Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Adrienne Maloof was granted temporary full custody of her and estranged hubby Paul Nassif's three kids.
HOSPITAL CORNER: Tori Spelling is recovering after undergoing emergency surgery due to C section complications...Robin Roberts is recovering after her bone marrow transplant...Teen Mom 2's Jenelle Evans was hospitalized for ruptured cysts.
FAREWELL: General Hospital star John Ingle died at 84.
SURREAL ESTATE: Reese Witherspoon's Rob Pattinson-approved Ojai ranch is on the market for $10 million.
FASHION FRENZY: Demi Lovato tweets new bangin' 'do...Jennfier Aniston is triply pregnant in her new SmartWater ad...Lea Michele is the newest face of L'Oreal Paris cosmetics...Tim Tebow has a turn being shirtless and pushing a tire in Vogue...Jessica Simpson can still rock a pair of Daisy Dukes.