Happy holidays, everybody!
The news cycle slowed down just a bit as famous types cleared out of Dodge to enjoy their winter breaks in milder—or snowier—climes, but our eagle eyes didn't miss a thing, and we still found plenty of celeb-centric treats to stuff your proverbial stocking with.
So grab a cup o' nog and enjoy our calorie-free—and regular-free!—wrap-up of the week's major (and deliciously minor) events.
Merry Chrismukkah and happy reading!
FREE AGENT: After much ado, Kris Humphries ended up back with the same team as last season, the New Jersey Nets, for at least another year—and to the tune of nearly $8 million. But alas, the cha-ching was forced to harmonize with a chorus of "boos" during his debut game against the Knicks.
BIG APPLE BUST: Debra Messing and Daniel Zelman, who met nearly 20 years ago as grad students at NYU, have separated after 10 years of marriage—but not physically. They still live together to make things easier on their 7-year-old son, Roman, and are in no rush to divorce or move into separate residences. So we're going to guess they don't share a 400-foot studio apartment.
DYIN' ON THE INTERNET: One minute, Jon Bon Jovi was alive, and the next...Well, he was still alive, but news of his death was all over Twitter, thanks to one hoax perpetrated by one blogger. The jig was up soon enough, with the rocker himself posting a hardy-har picture of himself on Facebook before heading out to rock a benefit concert in Jersey. But boy, did that get out of hand for a minute.
MERRY KRISTMAS: The Kardashian-Jenner clan sent out their usual glam-fam Christmas card—this year in 3-D!—to their loved ones and favored journalists...Khloé Kardashian Odom is making herself at home in Dallas, where hubby Lamar now plays for the Mavericks...Check out Kourtney Kardashian's latest video blog...Which scene from Kendall's Sweet 16 was the birthday girl too embarrassed to watch?
FAMILY MATTERS: Selena Gomez called off two shows after her mother, Mandy Teefey, suffered a miscarriage. She had been pregnant with her first child with Selena's stepdad, Brian Teefey. The singer still plans to make a scheduled New Year's Eve performance with Demi Lovato for MTV's live NYE in NYC 2012 special.
COSA BELLA: Giuliana Rancic and hubby Bill are about a month away from opening their new Italian restaurant—RPM Italian—in Chicago.
POINT GUARD: Kobe Bryant made sure a story that he cheated on soon-to-be ex-wife Vanessa with a Playboy Playmate was retracted...Kim Kardashian shot down a story that she went to Haiti for a fashion show.
TOO-SMOOTH SAILING: A Taylor Swift CoverGirl ad was yanked after Procter & Gamble admitted the singer looked too perfect. Shoot, and we were really getting excited about the cosmetic company's NatureLuxe line, too.
SPLIT TAKE: Jessica Lange and Sam Shepard, whose partnership spanned three decades, revealed that they went their separate ways about two years ago...Chaz Bono broke up with fiancée Jennifer Elia...Beyoncé's parents, Matthew and Tina Knowles, are officially divorced.
WIPEOUT: Gerard Butler is doing fine after being briefly hospitalized following a surfing accident in Northern California while shooting Of Men and Mavericks.
WEDDING BELLS: Judy Greer tied the knot with Real Time With Bill Maher coexecutive producer Dean Johnsen...Backstreet Boys' A.J. McLean tied the knot with Rochelle DeAnna Karidis at the Beverly Hills Hotel...Lady Antebellum's Dave Haywood is engaged to Kelli Cashiola...Anne Hathaway and Adam Shulman have not set a date yet...Kevin Federline says he's "really happy" for newly engaged Britney Spears.
BABY SHOWER: J.R. Martinez and girlfriend Diana Gonzalez-Jones are expecting their first child together.
BALLS OUT: Matt Damon has a bone to pick with President Barack Obama...Alec Baldwin isn't "horny" enough to run for mayor of NYC...China is none too pleased with attempted activist-visitor Christian Bale...Rihanna blasted an N-bomb-dropping Dutch fashion magazine, prompting its editor to step down...Maria Conchita Alonso would prefer Sean Penn not act like a "Communist asshole".
ROYAL FLUSH: Prince William showed off his hip-hop skills during his and Kate Middleton's holiday visit to a homeless shelter in Camberwell, London...Prince Harry is going back to Afghanistan next year...Charlie Sheen thinks he should top Kate for Newsmaker of the Year...Will, Kate and Harry wore black tie to the Millies.
SCREEN PLAY: Five reasons to see The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, ASAP...Sacha Baron Cohen dipped further into his Dictator character by writing a condolence letter regarding Kim Jong Il...It's Lily Collins vs. Julia Roberts in Mirror Mirror...Watch new trailers for The Dark Knight Rises, The Hobbit, Bel Ami and Prometheus...Read reviews of War Horse, We Bought a Zoo, The Adventures of Tintin, Artist and The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.
TV LAND: Melanie Amaro won the first U.S. season of The X Factor...Get a jump on season two of American Horror Story...Whoopi Goldberg claims she farted with her mouth that day on The View...Reports of Nicole Scherzinger and Steve Jones' demise on The X Factor have been greatly exaggerated (at this point)...HBO cancels Hung, Bored to Death and How to Make It in America, but keeps Enlightened...Former actress and married mother of four Heather Dubrow joins The Real Housewives of Orange County...Jimmy Fallon presided over a cameo-crazy episode of SNL...SPOILER ZONE.
MUSICAL NOTES: Justin Bieber got some caroling help from his little sister Jazmyn...David Archuleta is taking two years off from music to go on his mission for the Mormon Church...Mariah Carey takes out the twins (her babies, you goons) in her Christmas video collaboration with John Legend...The Game took a TO during a show in Oslo, Norway, to get in the face of a bottle-throwing fan...VH1 Divas Celebrate Soul honored Amy Winehouse and more...An auction of the furnishings from Michael Jackson's final home netted roughly $1 million...Steve Jobs honored posthumously by the Recording Academy with a Special Merit Award. What, for changing the face of music or something?
LAW & DISORDER: Adam Lambert busted for being too entertaining in Finland...Snooki sued for $7 million...Kardashian sisters slam a report that they knew items from their various fashion labels were made in sweatshops...Teresa Giudice's hubby, Joe, was indicted in fake ID scheme...Courtney Love says she was perfectly in the right to decorate her leased townhouse as she pleased...Cameron Douglas got caught trying to smuggle in drugs and got four and a half more years tacked onto his prison sentence...Kirsten Dunst extended a restraining order against a French fan until after the new year...The state of Indiana has settled up with victims of the State Fair stage crash that killed seven and injured dozens more...Piers Morgan testifies in U.K. hacking scandal...The Hangover II legal skirmishes have been settled...Brittany Murphy's mom is suing her former lawyers for malpractice...Amber Portwood landed in jail after missing a probation hearing...A former professor of James Franco's is suing NYU for wrongful termination related to the actor's D grade.
HOSPITAL CORNER: Brigitte Nielsen is on the mend after being hit by an allegedly drunk driver...George Michael was released after weeks of being hospitalized in Austria for pneumonia...Joe Jonas is fine following a hospital checkup after he suffered abdominal pain...Kelly Osbourne fractured her left hand in a fall...Jennifer Lopez opened up about daughter Emme's health scare when she was a baby.
FASHION FRENZY: Madonna gets close to herself for her new Truth or Dare fragrance...Ashley Greene grew 100 feet tall for DKNY Jeans...Eden Woods of Toddlers & Tiaras fame is modeling footwear for Cicciabella...Lindsay Lohan keeps her pants on for Jag Jeans.
SCENE: Britney Spears and fiancé Jason Trawick celebrating their engagement at Chateau at Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas...Bieber taking a few shots with the Toronto Maple Leafs during practice at Air Canada Centre...Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart shopping in Calabasas, Calif., and dining at Social House inside Vegas' CityCenter with Steven Tyler, Randy Jackson and Ryan Seacrest the following day...Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie and the kids taking in a performance of Cirque du Soleil's Michael Jackson: The Immortal World Tour in Vegas...Gabrielle Union frolicking in the ocean with Orlando Magic star Dwayne Wade in Miami Beach...Charlie Sheen tweeting pics from his Mexico vacation with Denise Richards, their daughters Sam and Lola, and Denise's adopted daughter, Eloise.