Often times we rely on the TV to inject a little drama into our lives—and this week, we were not disappointed.
But don't worry, the stars were still living it up off-camera, and we've plucked everything you need to know out of the ether and put it right here.
Time to dive in!
MIRROR BALLS: Maksim Chmerkovskiy, who can always be relied upon to take the egotist's point of view, lashed out at the judges—and to cameras backstage about the judges—about how unfair it is that some Dancing With the Stars contestants are critiqued on effort and some on skill. (If it makes him feel better, we think Hope Solo should fall into the former category.) While he refused to take back his attack on the judges, particularly 67-year-old Len Goodman, he did apologize to his fellow pros for calling it "my show."
CRASS MENAGERIE: Chaz Bono, whose Dancing run came to an end this week, couldn't take it anymore after Bruno Tonioli compared him to a penguin after his tuxedoed tango. No matter that penguins are adorable, Chaz pointed out that he was compared to a different animal each week and no one would make fun of a female contestant who needed to lose a few pounds, but that he seemed to be fair game. Just in case you don't listen to what the judges say and prefer to watch the dancing, Chaz took his opinion to Jimmy Kimmel Live, Good Morning America, People magazine—and a proud Cher took up the fight on his behalf.
CINDERELLA TIME: Courtney Stodden, 17, was once again denied her civil liberties by a handful of enraged harpies. Or, she was kicked out of a pumpkin patch because she was dressed for MA audiences only. Anderson Cooper feels her. Either way, she and 51-year-old hubby Doug Hutchison had to do their Halloween shopping elsewhere.
TIES THAT BIND: While Lindsay Lohan kept her mind on court-ordered work and Playboy, Michael Lohan managed to get arrested twice, the second time in a blaze of balcony jumping that makes us suspect Kate Major has issues if she's still giving this guy chances.
PUPPY LOVE: Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber adopted a dog!
ROYAL PAIN: That's a scar on Kate Middleton's head, commoners, not an extension mark.
BABY SHOWER: Bruce Willis and wife Emma are expecting their first child together...Sister Wives couple Kody and Robyn Brown finally welcomed No. 17, son Solomon Brown...Tony Romo and wife Candice Crawford are expecting their first...No. 2 on the way for It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia's Rob McElhenny and Kaitlin Olson...James Van Der Beek and wife Kimberly Brook are expecting their second child...Jamie Oliver shares a pic of 1-year-old son Buddy...Elton John and David Furnish's son Zachary is quite the little lad...Sandra Bullock's son Louis just acquired his first piece of Pop Art...Allison Janney and Emma Stone helped celebrate the arrival of Viola Davis' adopted daughter, Genesis...Mariska Hargitay's adopted daughter Amaya was her perfectly adorable date to a Halloween-themed children's hospital fundraiser in NYC...Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon heroically dressed up with twins Moroccan and Monroe...Whomever Kate Middleton gives birth to, boy or girl, becomes an heir to the throne.
NEVERMIND THE BOLLOCKS: Frances Bean Cobain engaged at 19? Nooooo!
WEDDING BELLS: Robin Williams got hitched to Susan Schneider...Mario Cantone and longtime partner Jerry Dixon tied the knot...Kaley Cuoco is engaged to Josh Resnik...Frankie Muniz and girlfriend Elycia Turnbow are engaged...Former Bachelorette DeAnna Pappas swapped vows with Stephen Stagliano (yes, Michael's brother).
UNHITCHING POST: The Office (U.K) star Lucy Davis is divorcing The Mentalist's Owain Yeoman...Jim Carrey's daughter, Jane, is divorcing Alex Santana after 11 months...Tara Reid revealed she isn't really married to Zack Kehayov...Christina Milian is officially divorced from The-Dream.
GLEEK OUT: Behind-the-scenes Glee scoop...Darren Criss does more Katy Perry...Ryan Murphy says his graduating seniors are always welcome...Cory Monteith's band, Bonnie Dune, rocked the Roxy in West Hollywood and they're cutting a new EP...Here comes Glee Project co-winner Damien McGinty.
LAW & DISORDER: The Conrad Murray trial is almost over...Apologetic Audrina Patridge burglar Rachel Lee got prison time...Police were called but no arrests were made when Nicki Minaj's boyfriend tussled with her ex-maid...No sexual assault charges filed against rapper Big Sean...Real World: Chicago's Tonya Cooley has sued producers and MTV, claiming she was sexually assaulted during one of the challenge specials and cameras kept rolling...Former boy-bander Justin Jeffre busted during an Occupy Cincinnati protest...Alleged creep pleads not guilty to Joss Stone murder plot...Top Chef: Just Desserts finalist Morgan Wilson indicted on child pornography charges...Hannah Montana's Mitchel Musso charged with DUI.
GET WELL: Adele calls off 2011 to undergo throat surgery...Comedian Patrice O'Neal suffered a stroke and there's no official word on his current state...Marie Osmond diagnosed with bronchitis after a trip to the ER...John Mayer underwent surgery to remove a granuloma from his throat...Teen Mom 2's Jenelle Evans suffered injuries in a car crash, but 2-year-old Jace was unhurt...Steven Tyler knocked out two teeth when he fell in the shower of his Paraguay hotel room...George Michael pulls out of a London show with a viral infection...Michelle Trachtenberg emerged from ER with a bandaged arm...Andy Rooney, 92, was hospitalized in serious but stable condition after experiencing complications after surgery...Creepster Madonna fan remanded to a psychiatric hospital...Loretta Lynn is out of the hospital after being treated for bacterial pneumonia.
TRAGEDY ON THE SET: A stuntman, whose name wasn't immediately released, was killed in an accident on the set of The Expendables 2 in Bulgaria...A woman died in a fall from a fairground ride outside Dublin's O2 arena after attending a Britney Spears concert...Two motorcycle enthusiasts were killed in an accident during a charity ride kicked off by Jay Leno.
SCREEN PLAY: Eddie Murphy leaving the family friendly $#@! behind?...The Hunger Games has tons of characters and now tons of posters...Will Ferrell honored with the 14th Annual Mark Twain Prize for American Humor...Samuel L. Jackson is the biggest box-office star of all time...Joss Whedon is taking his Much Ado About Nothing to the festival circuit this spring...Check out the Farrelly brothers' Three Stooges...Let Ryan Gosling's nudity get you excited for the DVD release of Crazy, Stupid, Love...Tobey Maguire is looking natty for The Great Gatsby...Exciting Twilight Saga scoop...H&M will launch a Girl With the Dragon Tattoo-inspired fashion line...Magic Mike, with all those hot guys playing strippers, hits theaters June 29, 2012...Johnny Depp gave his painting of Keith Richards to The Rum Diary director Bruce Robinson...Read our reviews of The Rum Diary and Puss in Boots.
TV LAND: Giuliana Rancic returned to E! News after a week off to recovery from breast cancer surgery...Johnny Depp hones his comedic edge opposite Ricky Gervais...FX picks up Charlie Sheen's Anger Management...Sneak peek at Sunday's Desperate Housewives...Aisha Tyler joins The Talk...Barack Obama reveals that he is not keeping up with the Kardashians!...The nipple police have complained to the FCC about Nancy Grace's wardrobe malfunction on DWTS...Survivor alum Rupert Boneham is running for Indiana governor...SPOILER ZONE!
RECAPVILLE: Follow the redux road to Grey's Anatomy, the Project Runway season finale, America's Next Top Model: All-Stars, American Horror Story, Survivor: South Pacific, The X Factor, Dancing With the Stars, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, The Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion part two and Sister Wives.
MUSICAL NOTES: Justin Bieber's manager sure has a lot to say about the kid's balls dropping...First Zooey Deschanel, then Demi Lovato, then Chris Daughtry sang the national anthem before World Series games...Watch Jill Scott's latest video, "So Gone"...VH1 Divas Celebrates Soul enlists Mary J. Blige, Jennifer Hudson, Jill Scott, Jessie J. and more...Kirsten Dunst stars in R.E.M.'s new video, "We All Go Back to Where We Belong"...PETA wants Lady Gaga to wear lettuce in India...Sinéad O'Connor has gone bald again...Miley Cyrus will contribute to a Bob Dylan tribute album...Simone Battle won't win The X Factor, but she's got a video anyway.
FASHIONABLY GREAT: Jennifer Lopez fronts Glamour, talks relationships...Madonna and daughter Lourdes got their comedy on to launch the Material Girl Lucky Stars Model Search for their fashion line...Nicole Scherzinger is the new face of London Fog...James Franco covers Flaunt, laughs at the haters...Kim Kardashian & Ko. are opening their first lifestyle boutique, Kardashian Khaos, in the Mirage Las Vegas.
SCENE: Blake Lively surprising Ryan Reynolds on the Boston set of R.I.P.D. with balloons for his 35th birthday during her third straight weekend in the vicinity...Kim Kardashian bewitching this week's X Factor viewing party...Kate Bosworth canoodling Michael Polish at the Burberry Body party at the brand's Beverly Hills store...Kate Middleton holding her own solo at a formal dinner benefiting the charity In Kind Direct at London's Clarence House...Ashton Kutcher keeping a low-profile until he was tasked with presenting an award at the GQ Gentlemen's Ball in NYC...Demi Moore ducking the paparazzi after a manicure in West Hollywood...Cameron Diaz and Diddy surrounded by security as they dined at Catch in NYC...Elton John and David Furnish, One Repulic, Derek Jete and Jessica Biel enjoying the unveiling of Justin Timberlake's redesigned NYC eatery Southern Hospitality (too bad Pippa Middleton couldn't make it)...Julianne Hough sporting a shorter 'do at Starz' Hollywood Film Awards...Jason Sudeikis cozying up to Mary-Kate Olsen at the Tower Heist premiere afterparty at Stone Rose Lounge in NYC...Paris Jackson leaving it all on the field for the Buckley School's flag football team...Katy Perry and Russell Brand stopping by Occupy Wall Street during their weekend in Manhattan...Kirsten Dunst enjoying the pool at the Encore at Wynn Las Vegas...Clooney and Keibler arm in arm at the Hollywood Film Awards...Will Smith, Eva Longoria and more feting Obama at I Am Legend producer James Lassiter's house, after which the president moved on to a fundraiser and Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas' home...Miley Cyrus celebrating Kelly Osbourne's 27th birthday at the Little Door restaurant in L.A....Sofia Vergara heating up the Palmilla, Los Cabos, resort in Mexico...Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez catching a showing of Real Steel in Winnipeg...Lea Michele talking life and love at the Mohegan Sun's 15th anniversary bash, featuring an emotional performance by J.Lo...The whole Kardashian clan (and recent additions to the family) celebrating Kim's 31st birthday at Marquee in Las Vegas.
To go to Heidi Klum's Halloween bash at PH-D in NYC's Dream Downtown, or Miranda Kerr's soiree at Catch, both on Monday? Now that is the question.