Morlando Blur. Mustin Keebler. Jelusty Gobbler. Comedic gold.
Approaching it with the faux gravitas that he reserves for the biggest news of the day (or the stories that the media make into the biggest news of the day), Stephen Colbert kicked off The Colbert Report last night with a solemn report about "yet another international dispute that erupted in senseless violence."
Piecing together the juiciest bits from multiple reports and telling it in a way to achieve peak absurdity, he recounted the tense conflict, starting with the gone-viral photo of Bieber and Miranda Kerr at the 2012 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show ("she was either canoodling with or babysitting him") and ending with Pope Francis' loosely translated plea for peace "in the troubled foam pits of Ibiza."
Of course, at this point, it's no matter whether all went down as it has been reported so far—the important thing is that Bloom vs. Bieber became headline news for mainstream broadcast and cable (ABC, CNN, etc.) outlets, all of which set themselves up for merciless mockery by giving it air time.
So Colbert took the liberty of telling the tale in a style befitting the subject matter.
"Now as a journalist it's my job to report on atrocities like this, but to be clear I do not condone this type of violence because," he continued, proceeding to quote a Fox 411 report, "'Bloom…missed' Bieber's face."
Watch now and let Colbert explain it all. It's wonderful.