Who knew Charlie Sheen was such a gentleman?!
To throw himself under the bus like that, thereby knocking Lindsay Lohan out of the spotlight after a judge assured her that a plea deal would involve jail... What. A. Guy. (Someone besides a jewelry-store owner is getting flowers soon...)
Seriously, jail, shmail. Sheen didn't just bite the hand that feeds. He chomped it off at the wrist!
Just when we thought the biggest news of the week would be a couple of haircuts...
CHARLIE AND THE CHRONIC FACTORY: He only had a few days to go before he was due back on the Two and a Half Men set. Redemption was near. All Charlie Sheen had to do was lose himself in the Bahamas for a few days with Cali Chronic X cover girl Natalie Kenly and porn star Bree Olsen. (His roommate, Brooke Mueller, went with them, but Sheen apparently discovered that four was a crowd and told her to scram.) Sheen then got the itch to hear himself on the radio again, so he ended up on the air and verbally suckerpunching Men creator Chuck Lorre, who had dared to poke fun at his cash cow via vanity card. Sheen, who's never far from his smartass phone, later denied that he meant anything by it, but he probably should have quit before bringing Lorre's Hebrew name into the mix. Faster than you can say "shalom," CBS had pulled the plug on Men for the rest of the season, pissing off more of Sheen's remaining supporters and jeopardizing his chances of starring in Major League 3. Of course, there's always that show on HBO (Hoax Box Office), which has got to be better than working with a couple of "AA Nazis."
CATCH-22: Lindsay Lohan can go to trial on a necklace-thieving charge or she can cut a deal, thereby ensuring that she'll go to jail, at least for a little bit (anywhere from three hours to 30 days, you know the drill). Both options sound pretty crummy, especially if the D.A. can prove that she brought a friend along to distract the sales clerk. Blerg.
LOCKS OF LOVE: After being named MVP of the NBA All-Star Celebrity Game, Justin Bieber cut his famous hair for charity and gave a few loose ends to Ellen DeGeneres, who then put the silky goods on eBay. Top $7,900 if you can.
WHAT ABOUT BOB: Jennifer Aniston's long-time stylist chopped her famous tresses above her shoulders for the first time since Ross and Rachel went on a break, leaving the long-and-piecey look to the Real Housewives of Beverly hills. Hysteria would have ensued, but most everyone was still worn out from Bieber's big trim. (Not to mention the sudden onslaught of John Travolta's forehead.)
TOO SOON: Deadliest Catch fisherman Justin Tennison, a member of the Time Bandit crew, was found dead at 33 in an Alaska hotel room. Cause of death has not been disclosed pending an autopsy...Chronicles of Narnia producer Perry Moore was found dead of an apparent drug overdose in his NYC apartment; he was 33.
SO MUCH FOR THAT: Barely a week after live-in lovers Diana Agron and Alex Pettyfer couldn't turn around without hitting an engagement rumor, they're finished as a couple. Supposedly the split was a bad one and Pettyfer didn't take it well. And then his house caught fire.
WEDDING BELLS: Kelsey Grammer ran, not walked, to the altar with Kayte Walsh...Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo, meanwhile, are baby-stepping...Check out Prince William and Kate Middleton's royal wedding invite! (Psst, don't tell the other Fergie.)
BABY BOOM: Rufus Wainwright and longtime partner Jorn Weisbrodt welcomed a daughter, Viva Katherine Wainwright Cohen. The birth mom is Leonard Cohen's daughter, Lorca Cohen...Tonya Harding and hubby Joseph Price are the proud parents of a son...Alyssa Milano's doing the bumpty bump while awaiting her first with hubby Dave Bugliari...Nicole Kidman discusses the possibility of having more with Keith Urban.
TUBE TEST: The quest to name your favorite TV couple is down to four dynamic duos. Vote NOW and pray they don't break up by the time the results are published.
EXCUSES, EXCUSES: George Clooney won't be running for president, he says, because over the years he "f--ked too many chicks and did too many drugs." Sigh...
TEEN MOMMY DEAREST: Kailyn Lowry's baby daddy, sourpuss Jonathan "Jo" Rivera, was busted for pot possession, but she's not going to be pulling a "Jenelle's Mom" anytime soon...To the person who leaked Amber Portwood's naked pics: You're "f--ked."
FASHION DON'T: Designer-to-the-stars John Galliano has been benched by Dior after allegedly lobbing anti-Semitic remarks at a couple he scuffled with in a Paris café. So much for Paris Fashion Week, which starts next week. Ass.
TV LAND: Glee starts throwing original tunes into the mix...Chelsea Handler will play "Chelsea Handler's" big sister...Kathleen Parker tires of being the Parker to Eliot Spitzer's Spitzer on CNN...Witchy woman Christine O'Donnell considering a spin on Dancing With the Stars...Is Emily (or Ashley?!) the next Bachelorette? Chantal O. is rumored to have dibs on The Bachelor...David Arquette opened up about his trouble past and the collapse of his marriage on Oprah...Irina Shayk shared her Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue thrill on Chelsea Lately...Kiefer Sutherland lands a new Fox pilot, Touch...So You Think You Can Dance judge Mary Murphy back on the hot tamale train after kicking cancer.
SCREEN PLAY: Richy-rich Ricky Gervais offers up some Oscar icebreakers for James Franco and Anne Hathaway...The King's Speech shared location space with gay porn (though not at the same time) and Amy Winehouse's "Rehab" video...Breaking Dawn foreplay...Vanessa Hudgens chats at the Beastly premiere...Sexy shortlist of possible Bourne franchise Matt Damon replacements...Robert Downey Jr. and Zach Galifianakis are surprisingly topical in a deleted Due Date scene...Exclusive Love and Other Drugs bonus footage...Megamind deleted scene...Hangover 2 trailer is here!...E! Online reviews Hall Pass and Drive Angry 3D.
MUSICAL NOTES: Michael Jackson's kids discuss showbiz possibilities...Kanye West's tweets may cause Lily Allen headaches and nausea, but his video for "All of the Lights" may cause seizures among photosensitive epileptics...Katy Perry doesn't wanna be startin' somethin' with Britney Spears...Aretha Franklin advises Fantasia Barrino to move on after perceived Grammy snub...George Clooney's current love Elisabetta Canalis performed Ciara's "Like a Boy" at 61st Italian Music Festival in San Remo.
LAW & ORDER: Chris Brown can contact Rihanna again...Rose McGowan gets a restraining order against an alleged overadmirer, though her allegations aren't as interesting as the ones listed in Sharon Stone's TRO filing against the so-called son of Hillary Clinton.
RUMOR PATROL: Wilmer Valderrama is unaware that he and Demi Lovato are dating again...Kathy Griffin and Old Spice hunk Isaiah Mustafa? True story...Before there was a revolt in Libya, there was a $1 million Mariah Carey gig...Rosie O'Donnell's not denying reports she broke up with artist girlfriend Tracy Kachtick-Anders.
SURREAL ESTATE: LeAnn Rimes love-unraveling nest in Nashville on the market for the newly reduced price of $6.25 million.
SEEN: Gwyneth Paltrow looking A-list hot in Barbados...Matthew Morrison and Olivia Munn smooching at Madison Square Garden during a New York Rangers game...Taylor Swift and Chord Overstreet taking in a Kings game (together!) at L.A.'s Staples Center...Michael Douglas defending his lady, Catherine Zeta-Jones, from the London paparazzi (not Prince Charles)...Amanda Seyfried and rumored Rihanna admirer Ryan Phillippe chilling in the garden at West Hollywood's Soho House...Phillippe, Jay-Z, Snoop Dogg, Diddy and Zac Efron watching Rihanna enjoy cupcakes and cigars at her private 23rd-birthday party...Paris and Nicky Hilton, Mila Kunis and Hayden Panettiere sittin' pretty at the Hollywood Domino gala at the Sunset Tower hotel in WeHo...Britney Spears' bedraggled boyfriend, Jason Trawick, hitting up Soho House, Voyeur and Trousdale all in one night...Miley Cyrus' new guy, Josh Bowman, chatting up a few, er, fellow patrons at Maui and Sons Bar and Grill in Hollywood...Tara Reid dispensing Lindsay Lohan advice and then chowing down with her new fella, Michael Lilleund, at Katsuya in Hollywood...Frankie Muniz and forgiving girlfriend Elycia Turbow enjoying dinner at Boa Steakhouse in WeHo...Joe Jonas celebrating Ashley Greene's 24th birthday with her at Pure in Las Vegas...Keith Urban picking up a bath bomb and shower gels at Lush in San Francisco's Union Square...Kobe Bryant immortalizing his Nike-clad feet in cement at Grauman's Chinese Theatre...Long-distancers Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox catching up at the French Market in Santa Monica..Randy and Evi Quaid living in Canada for as long as they want...Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart touching down in Vancouver via private jet and presumably avoiding the Quaids.