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    Bitch-Back! Is Ben Affleck in Marital Prison?

    Jennifer Garner, Ben Affleck, Violet Affleck, Seraphina Affleck Brent/National Photo Group

    Dear Ted:
    What's the real deal with Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner? I've heard the only deal between these two was a contract stating the terms of this arrangement. His image reformed, and she got the A-list status. A couple made in Hollywood PR heaven. Ben looks like a caged animal waiting to be set free. Any idea how long these two will last? I'm going to start wearing my Set Ben Free T-shirt!
    —Laurie

    Dear Conspiracy Theory:
    You're thinking like a publicist, babe, but you've got the wrong H'wood couple. Jen was moving up the ranks before she tied the knot with Benny—and knowing how well that gal manipulates, she would have made it one way or another. Which is probably why Ben looks so harried these days: It can't be easy living with Jennifer (it isn't).

    Dear Ted:
    I find the Skarsworth saga the most interesting of the recent news items. I loved your "yeah right" response to the inquiry about whether or not the lovebirds got married in Sweden! Just for clarification, does this mean that you still have your doubts about it being the real thing? Or is it that based on your in-the-know status, you don't think it's that serious?
    —Irish in Cleveland

    Dear Crystal Clear:
    The latter, definitely. And don't think it's simply one way—neither member of the duo wants to get serious.

    Dear Ted:
    Is Dougy Dry-Hump Christian Bale? He's handsome, and no famous wife or scandal (even if he's an A-list movie actor and I never heard cheating rumors about him).
    —R

    Dear Bale Out:
    Nope, but nice guess. Dougy doesn't have quite the rep for a bad temper that Christian does. He tends to come off much more Zen. But he sure is just as hot!

    Dear Ted:
    You said around the time of New Moon that one of the castmembers would come out of the closet during Eclipse promotion time. Any clue if this is happening soon?
    —Em

    Dear Out of the Coffin:
    You know how it is in H'wood: Star wants to burst out of the closet, but their people can talk them back into it in a second. Especially these megahuge Twi actors who have "their whole career" to think about. Perhaps once the Breaking Dawn flicks are in the can?

    Dear Ted:
    I'm guessing Moisty Mohr is Penn Jillette. Won't go into all the reasons I think he fits, but the one that stands out is the patent he holds for a certain hot tub accessory. My two adopted lab mixes (Gio and JoJo) are hoping this is a good guess.
    —Annee

    Dear Mohr Later:
    Here I thought after that superhuge clue you guys would all know who M2 was. So I'll nix Penn, but then we'll give Moisty a B.V. break—the dude clearly doesn't want his little secret getting out. Plus, there are so many other skanky stars to guess. Who's your fave?

    Dear Ted:
    It is awfully freakin' hard to admit you're wrong, but have to admit that I was way off on prior comments to you. I was a staunch believer that Miley Cyrus was a decent, intelligent girl who wouldn't go the route of most other starlets. Is it wrong to feel scared for someone way in advance? After seeing pics from Miley's recent video where she totally vamps out, does it ring any bells of a former Mouse-world icon that had it all before she started going the skeezy route? Shaving her head ring any bells? Guessing that Miley will go the same route and in a few years (or less) we'll be seeing headlines of her sex tape being discovered. What is wrong with the parents who refuse to put any limits on their underage teens? Does no one in Hollyweird know of the word "no"?
    —Taylor

    Dear Right and Wrong:
    Don't count Miley out yet. The babe is taking control of her career right now—something you can't say for Brit-Brit—and has her focus set on becoming even bigger. So sure she's getting sexy and causing some controversy, but she's in on it at every step. As for the H'wood parents, they definitely aren't going to tell their moneymaking kiddos no anytime soon.

    Dear Ted:
    I understand that certainly not everywhere in the U.S. is as liberal-leaning as the two coasts, but I am gay, out, proud and born and raised in the Midwest. Initially, my family, while accepting, was not celebratory. But cut to six years later, and they hardly give it a second thought—they go to PFLAG meetings and even the pride parade with me! I think that the more these celebrities continue to fear and perpetuate the fact that gay is a taboo, the more the public is going to be obsessed with "outing." The more out and proud public figures there are, the more people (just like my family after I came out) are going to become desensitized to "the big, bad gay taboo" and it will eventually become a nonissue. Thoughts?
    —Ethan

    Dear True, True:
    But no one wants to be the first. You're brave, and what a great heart you have, Ethan, thanks.

    Dear Ted:
    Why is it that so many mags can run such bogus stories (K.Stew preggers?) without trouble, but you have to cover up all your juicy gossip? Are lawyers really the issue, or are you just a big softy deep down after all? Oh, and has Jackson Rathbone been a Blind Vice?
    —Joe

    Dear Hello?
    Because my Vices are true. Did you see where that K.Stew preggers story went? Exactly. And nope, Jackson hasn't been a Vice, though he should be.

    Dear Ted:
    Have you seen the pictures of K.Stew in Australia and Korea promoting Eclipse? She looks amazing! Great hair and makeup, stylish outfits and a smile! I hope she keeps up the good work during the crazy promo month! Kristen haters need to get a glimpse of her recent public appearances!
    —EP

    Dear Fashion Forward:
    I told you guys she was starting to become a red carpet fashionista—can't wait to see what gorge outfit she rocks at the Eclipse premiere. What about you?

    Dear Ted:
    Now that some time has passed and Lindsay Lohan is seemingly obeying her sobriety orders, what is your take on what will happen next for her? Do you think she'll get put in jail? Will the sobriety actually last? Is she gearing up for a comeback? I have a rescue kitty named Sadie who thinks she's a golden retriever and I volunteer at a nonprofit working to make all of Chicago's shelters no-kill shelters (Chicago gossip fans, check it out www.pawschicago.org).
    —Brie

    Dear Livin' La Vida Lohan:
    Lindsay is an actress—I know you might forget, as she never works—and I'll admit, she's a damn good one. She knows what's up right now and, while yes, she is making some progress, right now is more about her fixing her PR image. And thanks for the great critter work you do! Tell Sadie to lick you good tonight.

    Dear Ted:
    Is Toothy Tile still with his beard?
    —Brooke

    Dear Shaved:
    T2 is currently without female company—who do you think will be his next beardy babe?

    Dear Ted:
    Why doesn't George Clooney like Jennifer Aniston? Wasn't he friends with her long before he was friends with Brad? He was on Friends with her. So, why does he let his GF diss Jen on Twitter? I would love to rescue an animal but my kids have terrible allergies. I do contribute to NEADS (Dogs for Deaf and Disabled Americans) because I have a family member who is deaf. Thanks!
    —J

    Dear E-nemies:
    Twitter ain't that serious, J, at least not in this case. George probably didn't even know his chick was retweeting not-so-nice things about J.A. But also, remember, he's supertight with Brad, so there's a little bit of a messy history there, Jen-wise.

    Follow @theawfultruth on Twitter!

    _______

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