Your dad is "nuts." You're "petrified" for your safety. You want a restraining order. You've been accused of assault with an icy weapon and stealing a Rolex. You've been publicly labeled "unbankable." And that's just this week. So what do you do?
In the midst of a particularly trying week, Lindsay briefly broke from the club scene and turned up to Millions of Milkshakes (again) with kid sister Ali last night, and proved she still has one thing going for her: her lactose tolerance.
As for everything else, here's how the Lohan world is turning these days:
Mom Dina Lohan weighed in on the family drama, telling E! News that at her behest Lindsay and Ali were seeking restraining orders against Michael: "Yes, he is dangerous, a felon and a media whore."
"Ali is not in danger. She is only here taking meetings. She is a model in Lindsay's 6126 look book."
Well, nothing proves someone's safety quite like legging modeling.
"He needs help," she said of her ex. "He needs to be tested. I have sole custody. He doesn't even have any visitation rights. He doesn't even have a right to see them."
Despite the name-calling, Michael appears undaunted in his quest to be the next Jamie Spears.
Papa Lohan, who has told everyone with so much as a cell phone camera that Lindsay is on Adderall, bipolar medication, antidepressants and who knows what else (she's denied it all), has recently upgraded his crusade. No longer is he simply content to gain custody of 16-year-old Ali, but now he wants to gain a conservatorship over Lindsay.
Yeah, good luck with that.
Lohan could ask a judge to give him financial and other control over the Mean Girls star as early as Monday.
"Michael is not going to stand idly by and watch his daughter become another Hollywood statistic," said his attorney, Lisa Bloom. "Michael has retained me as his attorney to pursue any and all appropriate legal action to save and protect his daughter. The law affords a parent who believes his adult child is not in control of her health and welfare a number of legal options. As of now, all options are open.
"In the coming days we will seek to meet with Lindsay and her attorney to come up with an appropriate treatment plan that will allow her to get her life back on course."
Again we say good luck with that. But hey, Lindsay isn't completely without allies—she has Danny Bonaduce on her side. Um, score?
As for Michael, his attorney said today that he is now back in New York to discuss the situation with authorities there.
Oh, and he pinky-swears he won't be doing any more interviews. Pardon us for not holding our breath.
—Additional reporting by Claudia Rosenbaum
Then take a walk down memory lane with a look through our Fashion Spotlight: Lindsay Lohan gallery!