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Simon Cowell, Ellen DeGeneres, Corey Haim, Katherine Heigl, Kate Winslet, Sam Mendes, Sandra Bullock, Jesse James

Michael Becker/FOX; Michael Bezjian/Getty Images; ABC/Randy Holmes; Dan Herrick/ZUMApress.com; Jeffrey Mayer/Getty Images

We feel so fooled.

If even the least scandalous details of the whole Jesse James affair story are true, there goes our view of him as a teddy bear in Sons of Anarchy clothing who happens to be in love with the homecoming queen.

The way he looked at Sandra Bullock during awards season as he walked the red carpet with her, holding her shiny miniaudieres while she gave interviews and clapping heartily every time she won... So sweet.

And just when we thought the dirtiest business of the week would be South Park spoofing Tiger Woods, Bullock cancels an appearance in London and gets the heck out of dodge, aka the Seal Beach, Calif., home where she had stuck by James' side through stalkers and lost puppies and custody battles with porn star ex-wives.

It's like there's nothing to believe in anymore, except the Best Actress curse...

THE BLIND SIDE: A heavily inked tattoo model named Michelle "Bombshell" McGee (who's got her own issues) blabbed to In Touch Weekly that she and James engaged in a hot-'n'-heavy relationship last year, complete with gross genitalia nicknames and everything. After it was reported that Bullock left their house, a ring-wearing James wasted no time issuing a public apology to her and his kids, though he led off saying that the "vast majority of the allegations reported are untrue and unfounded." Well, fine, but where's your once-adoring wife then? (Ooh, maybe she's in Mexico with Kate Winslet!

OSCAR'S TARNISH: The unfortunate turn of events for Bullock would have been enough, but her media storm blew in following the news that Winslet, last year's Academy Award winner for Best Actress, was separating from her husband, fellow Oscar winner Sam Mendes. (He has denied having a relationship with actress Rebecca Hall on the side.) Considering what happened to Halle Berry, Reese Witherspoon and Hilary Swank's marriages following their big nights, our nation turns its lonely eyes to that damn Helen Mirren, who's been married to Ray director Taylor Hackford for 12 years.

MYSTERIOUS: How 'bout that Lost, huh?

FLATLINE: Katherine Heigl is finally being written out of Grey's Anatomy after three years of feeling that the grass is always greener over in Movieville. So, off she goes to make more movies. We can only hope she'll play strong female characters as inspiring as the ones in 27 Dresses and The Awful Truth.

BROWN OUT: Lacey Brown was the first member of the vaunted top 12 to be booted from American Idol and the bright-eyed Texan says she felt it coming after Rolling Stones night. Meanwhile, Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell partook in a rated-G-for-TV pissing contest. Ellen and Simon continue to get along just fine and Kara DioGuardi leans on Simon just as much during the commercial breaks as she does on camera...In news that isn't as related as it was six months ago, Paula Abdul won't be hosting a new version of Star Search.

R.I.P.: Corey Haim was laid to rest at a funeral in his native Toronto. Corey Feldman excused himself, saying the subsidized service was going to be very small and private...and yet 200 people showed up. Feldman says he's busy organizing a big memorial in L.A. for his late friend, and the tear-jerker of a farewell message he wrote online probably took him awhile, too... The frequently rehabbing Jeff Conway told E! News that he warned the down-on-his-luck Haim that prescription drugs were going to kill him. And whether they did or not, resulting in his mom's devastating 911 call, one of the people who may have helped Haim get his hands on an illegal OxyContin Rx has been arrested.

South Park, Tiger Woods

Comedy Central

FORE WHAT?: Tiger Woods will make his PGA Tour comeback after that "indefinite break" of five months (knee surgery took him out of the game longer, FYI) at the illustrious Masters Tournament, kicking off April 5 in Augusta, Ga. At least there's a chance the well-heeled crowd that tends to frequent this event aren't much for sext messages posted online by ex-porn stars.

ENGAGE/DISENGAGE: Britney Spears broke up with her agent, but he's still her agent...Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy are dunzo...David Schwimmer's planning to get hitched...Joe Jonas and Demi Lovato are dating...Heidi Klum and Seal continue to be more in love than anybody else in the world

FAREWELLS: This week we said goodbye to Airplane! and Mission: Impossible star Peter Graves, Davy Crockett and Daniel Boone star Fess Parker, Big Star and Box Tops frontman Alex Chilton

BABY BOOM: Modern Family's Ty Burrell and wife Holly adopted a baby girl...Padma Lakshmi's baby daddy may very well be Adam Dell...Amy Poehler and Will Arnett are expecting their second child...Danica McKellar and hubby Mike Verta are expecting their first...New mom Gisele Bundchen looks like she's never been near a placenta in her life.

Kendra Wilkinson, Hank Baskett, Hank Jr.

E! Networks

FEEL-GOOD TV: Kendra is back, and it's titular star cannot stop gushing over baby Hank and hubby Hank, especially considering what she went through as a teenager, according to her very own E! True Hollywood Story...Jimmy Kimmel and David Letterman trash Jay Leno together...Iggy Pop makes the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony something to watch...Ellen secures a scholarship for a gay teen whose prom was canceled after she wanted to go with a girl...Kourtney Kardashian, Scott Disick and baby Mason are all the way in Miami shooting Kourtney & Khloé Take Miami, and Kris Jenner misses two out of three...Rosie O'Donnell 's mulling a return to daytime...Donald Trump is planning an economy-minded Apprentice......Charlie Sheen returns to the set of Two and a Half Men...We hear that Kate Gosselin is nice...if a bit indecisive.

MARCH MADNESS: This is who you've voted into the championship game in Watch With Kristin's TV's Top Couples poll. Don't just sit there, VOTE for your all-time fave!

Fashion Police From Madonna's not-even-good-for-a-21-year-old look to Kristen Stewart's flawlessness to Kim Kardashian's hair color to how much Taylor Swift is paying for her beaded gowns to our Red Carpet Pose-offs, we've got oodles of sartorial scoop and, more importantly, opinions for you right here and on MyStyle.com.

KIDS INCORPORATED: There's never too much fawning to be done over adorable celebrity kids like these. (And, in some cases, their uncles)

LEGAL CAMP: Charlie Sheen pleads not guilty to assaulting his wife...Erin Andrews' stalker is going to prison and will probably miss her debut on Dancing With the Stars next week...Turns out Anna Nicole Smith's estate probably won't be getting all those millions she was once promised after her 90-year-old husband died in 1995...A guy who claims he concocted the whole Lady Gaga persona would like to get paid...The defamation suit against Oprah Winfrey is going to trial...Snooki's got a bit of a record, and MTV knows it...Trouble at Octomom's house...Guy accused of stalking Ivanka Trump via the Internet arrested...India might be through with Lindsay Lohan...No criminal charges will be filed against any member of Ax Men star Jesse Browning in the wake of the mauling death of his step-daughter...Arizona authorities want Lil Wayne, who's in jail in New York, for themselves...DMX is staying in jail for awhile...Gary Dourdan's girlfriend was busted for allegedly assaulting him...Deadliest Catch skipper Phil Harris' son was charged with reckless driving...Buffy alum Nicholas Brendon got tased before being arrested for disturbing the peace.

But at least a demon didn't steal his eye.

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