Kevin Mazur/VF/Getty ImagesDear Ted:
Hi, Ted, Love the blog—it's my favorite work distraction! So, no surprise that—as you predicted—John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston broke up. On that note, a few years ago, I used to love John Mayer—he seemed like such a genuine, talented guy. Now he just looks like the biggest narcissist jerk in music. Was his past "nice guy" vibe just an act or has L.A. and fame gotten to his head?
—RW
Dear What's H'wood Got to Do With It:
Hell-Ay doesn't turn someone a creep, but it sure can drag the inner a-hole out pretty darn fast. Witness Jen's latest discarded boy-bitch.
Dear Ted:
Please, now can Jennifer and Gerard just get it on or is there something more you need to tell us?
—Heidi
Dear Rebound Match:
You know what, I actually do think they would be an all right couple. Minus the fact that Jen could control the crap outta him, too.
Dear Ted:
Jennifer Aniston arriving to the Oscars with that immature J. Mayer. Why? If I was her publicist, I would have made her walk to center stage and present alone at the Oscars and wear the red dress Scarlett use in Gone With the Wind with the same attitude! Bold, bright and beautiful. Then smile at Brangelina. She's just that fragile after all that time. She's just not that into herself. Not an O'Hara at all.
—Visomio
Dear Gutsy Gal:
Yeah, but she obviously hasn't embraced being alone ever, so she would still get the "poor Jen" routine even if she showed up stag. She obviously needed a date, but it should have been some hunky non-Hollywood guy, and Jen's team should be raked over their Pradas for not insisting that Brangelina be seated way out of eye line from Jennifer's podium time. Reps have been fired for far less.
Dear Ted:
I can't stand it anymore. Pics of Reese and Jake hand in hand in Spain just emerged—what is up with that? I have always believed that they are in a fauxmance and are really just great friends, but now are we supposed to believe that he flies all the way to Spain just to put one over on the unsuspecting public just for a few paparazzi shots? That is hard to believe, my friend. Clear up this confusion please!
—Liz
Dear Snafu:
I think you just did, hon.
Dear Ted:
What's your opinion on Joaquin's latest outburst toward a heckler while "performing" (if that's what you call it) in Miami? Is he playing us the public, or is he much overdue for some serious rehab?
—Kristie
Dear Washed-Up:
Joaquin who?
Dear Ted:
Why do you post at such random hours? Your latest Bitch-Back shows you posted at 4:32 a.m.! What could you possibly be doing awake at the hour, albeit partying with Paris, et all?
—Melissa
Dear by the Hour:
Trying desperately not to smoke again. Whatever it takes, doll.
Dear Ted:
I can't imagine that there's anyone left for you to reveal as Toothy Tile! It seems like you've eliminated everyone in Hollywood! So forget Toothy, Nevis, Judas and Crotch. Answer this: Is Grey Goose Peter Sarsgaard? If not, give us a clue. Just for fun.
—Always Curious
Dear Gay Love Is Blind:
No. Way warm, though, fudge-muffin.
Dear Ted:
Kamber (Kanye West and Amber Rose)...How long do you give the "fashion-forward" duo?
—Liney
Dear Muse:
Minutes.
Dear Ted:
I have been watching the World Baseball Classic all afternoon. There was this shot of the USA dugout, and I thought I saw a Toothy Tile smile. Is it Derek Jeter?
—Michele
Dear Butch Stuff:
Nope, not even close, even though that sport's filled with more pooftahs than Jen Aniston's pool parties.
Dear Ted:
Do you want more proof that Doug Reinhardt is an a-hole and using Paris Hilton?
—Chris TX
Dear Stalkee:
Oh, I know darling. Pare is hardly a dum-dum when it comes to this.
Dear Ted:
What the hell! So Ed Westwick is way too chummy with that boy. I always thought he was J.J., but who knows. But what I do know is he cannot be straight.
—Em
Dear Walk the Line:
Can't every guy just get his bromance on without the homo flag being waved?
Dear Ted:
I saw an interview with Dwayne Johnson in which the interviewer mentioned his female fans and their crushes in him. Dwayne brought up his male fans with crushes also. This shocked the woman interviewing him. So is this hottie just really comfortable with his sexuality or what?
—James
Dear Between a Rock and a Hard-On:
What do you think?
Dear Ted:
Are you ever shocked at how far young fangirls will go to deny that their favorite actor is probably...gulp...gay? I think you have the best job ever invented!
—Brenda
Dear Blind Eye:
Not really.
Dear Ted:
I love your column, and I consider you my go-to guy for all celeb gossip, so please tell me this: if Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck do split (they don't seem at all happy to me, either), then do you think she might go back to Michael Vartan? Would he have her? I'm still one of the Sydney-Vaughn shippers and loved it when they were together in real life!
—Hopeless Alias Sap
Dear Dream On:
Vartan's been burned twice by Garner, already. He not stupid.
Dear Ted:
What does PDA stand for ?
—DJ
Dear Duh:
People Dense All the Time. So kidding!
Dear Ted:
How does One Tree Hill's Chad Michael Murray grab you for Judas Jack-Off? Not a big enough name, perhaps?
—Sadie
Dear Slipped Away:
Right star level, wrong sexuality.
Dear Ted:
Will we ever find out the real reason why Brad and Jennifer Aniston grew apart and decided to divorce? Is it really just as simple as Brad wanting kids while Aniston didn't want them? Or were things great between them until Brad met Angie?
—Puzzled in LA
Dear Writing on the Wall:
Do I really have to answer that for ya?
Dear Ted:
Have any of your Blind Vice's or their representatives threatened your life for outing them? This is pure curiosity. I imagine your line of work must be as dangerous as Jason Bourne's. Only yours is not fictional. Take care.
—Jarebear
Dear Switcheroo:
Hardly, I get about the same amount of calls asking me who they are.
Dear Ted:
Hi. Love reading you every day. Is Schlong Fenn John Mayer?
—AJ
Dear Slipup:
Wrong sexually amped dude, I'm afraid.
Dear Ted:
You've said in the past that you use the same moniker for the same celeb in all Blind Vices. Yet recently, some Blind Vices sound like an old Blind Vice celeb under a new moniker. Have you changed your ways, or are they really two different people? Thanks for clarifying!
—Alex
Dear FBI:
All Blind monikers are exclusive to their smutty selves. No repeats.
Dear Ted:
Perez Hilton has pretty much outed Matt Dallas and Jonathan Bennett as a couple. Have they ever been a Blind Vice subject? I'd love to cross another one off the list.
—Jim
Dear Stud Search:
No, but I did think of doing one once about how those boys come out of the shower at the gym (a far fancier one than I'd be caught dead at, so this one was from friends who go there). Apparently, they're totally unlike Emile Hirsch and don't mind showing it all off, maybe even fluffing it a bit, too. But then, I've seen Joel McHale do that at the urinals, so whatever.
Dear Ted:
Please, please can we have a Bitch-Back that doesn't mention Robert Pattinson? Even you must be getting sick of him! The insanity surrounding him and the constant picking over every mundane detail anyone can get their hands on is frankly disturbing. Take a stand!
—Leonieelder
Dear Blowing It:
We were...until now! Thanks a lot.