"I have to go get the women now."
That's how Ben bid adieu to his parents at the start of tonight's episode of The Bachelor, which took us on a little trip to Warsaw, Indiana. For the second season in a row, we were introduced to a small Midwestern town in which a bunch of things used to be other things. At least this time, it was just a motel that used to be the movie theater, and it wasn't an abandoned building that used to be the town's only bar (lookin' at you, Arlington, Iowa).
It's very possible that this trip to Warsaw was the most important trip anyone has ever made to Warsaw, due to the fact that it turned Ben's six girlfriends into just four. Needless to say, things got awkward.
First up, Lauren B was treated to the most small town date in the history of time. In fact, we're pretty sure it actually took place in 1957, and Lauren might as well have been doing the hand jive in a poodle skirt. He drove her around Warsaw in an old truck, one hand on the wheel and one hand on his girl while he sweetened her up with a tale of the first time he kissed a different girl.
Then, Lauren was introduced to all of the kids he used to mentor at a youth center, and the kids immediately decided Ben and Lauren would get married, because they hopefully have no concept of what the hell The Bachelor even is.
Ronnie the Half Court King (his official title) even allowed the two lovebirds to share a kiss after he did, in fact, make the half court shot he's known for. The kids applauded. It was weird. (The Indiana Pacers also showed up, which is a cool thing for people who care about basketball, probably.)
While Ben comforted crying children and melted the hearts of America, we started to think Lauren's the frontrunner here. She's not our frontrunner, because the editing hasn't really given us much of a sense of her being an interesting person, but she's clearly Ben's top choice. We're more partial to Jojo, but whatever.
Anyway, Ben and Lauren had to take a moment to discuss Leah's complete nonsense from last week, when she vaguely claimed Lauren wasn't the same person in the house as she was on dates. Ben and Lauren both assured each other that those comments were not true, and Ben's levels of smitten are still off the charts.
Jojo received the next one-on-one, which was a little less personal for Ben but probably a hell of a lot cooler: they got Wrigley Field all to themselves. Now, we've been to Wrigley Field. It's a really lovely place when there is not a baseball game happening. When there is a baseball game happening, it is literally coated in beer, and it's terrible.
But since there wasn't a game, Ben and Jojo just got to play their own game and eat dinner in the middle of the field and discuss her issues with opening up to him. She didn't really open up, but she explained some of the issues that she has with opening up.
The night's group date was somehow even more awkward than the group date from last week, with the pigs. This time, they paddle boated and flew some kites, which is definitely a thing we did during a few Midwestern summers when we were like six. It made no sense for a bunch of grown women and one grown man to spend their afternoon doing that. Ben got a few minutes with each of the women, and learned that Caila is just some moss looking for a tree and Becca is just sad all the time, and was about to get sadder. While Becca and Caila were rightfully bitter, Amanda was given the date rose, meaning Ben's gonna meet her kids next week.
Becca and Caila were then sent away to be bitter somewhere else while Amanda and Ben continued on to the most amazing date The Bachelor has ever had.
First, they went to McDonald's. Yes. McDonald's! They then went—get this—behind the counter of McDonald's and experienced exactly what it's like to work the drive through at a McDonald's. Then, they ate their all day breakfast and looked totally happy while doing it.
We have no idea why McDonald's still needs commercials, because if you're going to eat something like McDonald's, you don't need a commercial to help you with that decision. And no, we were totally not jealous of Amanda's egg mcmuffin. Not at all.
They followed that up with a carnival, where Ben screamed his little face off thanks to those torture devices someone decided were supposed to be fun "rides." Amanda had a great time, but Ben's a human being and knows those things are terrifying nightmare machines. Then, Ben hit some children with inflatable weapons. The whole thing was delightful to watch, even if we did have a feeling Ben might have taken some off camera time to throw up his hashbrowns.
While that already feels like a whole lot of dates, the night wasn't over. Emily finally got her first one-on-one, and we have a feeling that if she had gotten one before now, she might not have lasted so long. We love Emily to death as an entertaining person, but she's not ready to get married. She wants to follow her dreams of being an NFL cheerleader, not settle down and have some kids.
Ben introduced Emily to his parents, and they could immediately tell Emily was not the one. Ben's mom didn't want to tell her son what to do, but she sort of did, and then he did exactly what she didn't quite outright suggest.
Emily was sent home, but we hope this is just the beginning for her. Follow those dreams, girl. Cheer on those football players! Get yourself some ducks! Live your best life!
Once Emily was out of the picture—and she really was the one who didn't quite fit—we thought Ben was really in for a tough time, since we could see him marrying all of the women left. He apparently didn't agree, and there was yet another woman who had to say goodbye. Caila thought perhaps it would be her, and we thought we agreed, until Ben surprised us all by denying Becca!
Poor Becca has been through so damn many rose ceremonies, but once again, she didn't find the one.
"Why would I keep putting myself in this position?" she cried in the car, which was a good question. If she shows up next season, someone needs to get this girl an intervention.
If we show up next season, feel free to intervene as well, but we're not sure you'll be successful. That McDonald's date just looked too romantic and we need a piece of that.
The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.
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