by Jenna Mullins | Mon., Feb. 3, 2014 11:56 AM
Hey, did you know that there were over 40 commercials during the Super Bowl? Not counting the movie trailers and spots for Fox TV, obviously. And we're ranking all of them, from worst to best. Why? Because we care about you guys. And we're the only opinion that matters. Get into it.
No surprise here, but we favored adorable children and animals, naked David Beckham and any commercial that tugged at our heartstrings. Also, we were not huge fans of confusing car messages, cow sex and boring ads that were boring.
Ready for the list? Behold:
49. Maserati, "Strike": First of all, as adorable as she is, we don't know why Quvenzhané Wallis is doing this car commercial. She's 10 years old. Also, we certainly appreciate all the shots of these people working hard to bounce back and middle America and all that, but seriously Maserati? The price of your cars start at $65,000, which is more than a lot of families in this country make in a year. Don't act like you are the symbol of the hard-working American. You are an Italian luxury sports car.
48. Jeep Cherokee, "The Restless Man": Stillness does not kill us. It's when your hearts stop beating, turns out. Science.
47. Sonos, "Face Off": Pretty, but snooze.
46. Chrysler, "America's Import": Yet another car commercial that tries to get a message across in a confusing way. Bob Dylan is telling us to let Asia assemble our phones. Hmm.
45. SodaStream, "Viral Message": Scarlett Johansson is hot, sure. But her dress at the end isn't even that revealing, so how would this ad go viral? Besides the fact that this spot caused a huge controversy and people wanted to boycott the company, that is.
44. Sprint, "Family Plan": Not memorable in the slightest.
43. GoDaddy, "Body Builder": Terrifying.
42. Time Warner, "Enjoy Everything Better": Major points off for featuring a show that was hot five years ago and a show that stars hairy men in camouflage. Points earned for Jon Voight talking about P. Diddy.
41. Carmax, "Slow Clap": More like NO clap, huh? Right? RIGHT?!
40. Geico, "Big Game Spot": We've seen the talking pig bit. Next!
39. Heinz, "Hum": Everyone knows the best way to get ketchup out of the bottle is to hit the "57" on the side of the neck! Seriously, Google it.
38. Fox, "Fox Sports 1": It's goofy, but what was with that little nose wipe with Charissa Thompson? Confusing.
37. Chevy, "Romance": We could have gone the rest of our lives without this commercial about cow sex.
36. Bank of America, "Invisible": Free music! Charity! U2! All good things.
35. Turbo Tax, "Love Hurts": John C. Reilly, we wanted more from you.
34. WeatherTech, "Made in America": 'Merica!
33. Kia, "The Truth": Still with the Matrix references, huh?
32. Subway, "Fritos Chicken Enchilada Melt": It's like a walking taco on Subway bread! The commercial wasn't anything special, but that sandwich is what this country is all about. Sorry, Jared. We're putting corn chips all over your precious healthy fast food alternatives now.
31. M&M's, Where's Yellow?": The yellow M&M doesn't understand a scary Russian man. Meh.
30. Coca-Cola, "Going All the Way": That kid just ran miles and miles to the home of the Green Bay Packers (Lambeau field), and he's hydrating with soda? That's just careless. But seriously, this commercial didn't do much for us.
29. Chobani, "Ransacked": Stop discriminating against bears trying to find Greek yogurt! Also, no John Stamos.
28. Doritos, "Cowboy Kid": A kid riding a dog. From a company who once made three-dimensional chips, we expected more. Thankfully, Doritos other commercial was better.
27. GoDaddy, "Puppet Master": We love the idea of quitting your job on live TV, but they could've done so much more with it. Especially if the boss was a real a--hole.
26. Hyundai, "Dad's Sixth Sense": Cute premise, but a wee bit boring. Bonus points for the dad being kind of foxy.
25. T-Mobile, "No Contract": Enough of Tim Tebow. But it's funny because he's in on the joke! He doesn't have a contract with any NFL team, and you don't need a cell phone contract with T-Mobile! If we're laughing with Tebow, maybe we'll stop laughing at him.
24. Volkswagen, "Wings": Pretty fun in a silly way, but we would have laughed harder if people were freaking out more about these wings spurting out of their skin? Also, show us that butt rainbow!
23. NFL, "Together We Make Football": As NFL fans, we loved this ad, but it reminded us that football season is over, which is the absolute worst.
22. Butterfinger, "Butterfinger Cups": Why did this ad make us slightly uncomfortable? Whatever, we are going to eat the crap out of those Butterfinger cups!
21. Beats Music, "Super Bowl Ad": While we adore Ellen DeGeneres, we did not adore those creepy animal-people.
20. (Tie) Axe, "War and Peace": Ha! See what they did there? Make love, not war. Also make intense-smelling body spray with names like Dark Temptation.
20.(Tie) Honda "Hug Someone": Bruce Willis and Fred Armisen: a combo we didn't know we wanted until Super Bowl Sunday.
19. Dannon Oikos, "Spill": We would rank this higher, but this Full House reunion did not live up to the hype. We thought we were in for more Full House alums. But we did appreciate John Stamos sans pants.
18. Sony Crackle, "Seinfeld": A reunion we've all been waiting for, and look! Even Newman showed up! This one ranks higher than Full House because we didn't get video teases beforehand (aka on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon), just some mysterious photos.
17. Cheerios, "Grace": Adorable as hell.
16. Chevy, "Life": Now that is a real man. And he's got a real truck.
15. SquareSpace, "Game Day Commercial": Memes! Dads switching heads with their babies! Girls making duck faces! The Internet is crazy, y'all. We appreciated this ode to the World Wide Web.
14. Budlight, "Epic Night": This night could have been more epic, but we did enjoy the random llama who was hanging out with Don Cheadle.
13. Microsoft, "Empowering Us All": Bring on the emotions. We'll take them gladly. Especially when this technology is allowing people to hear for the first time or talk with their children while battling ALS.
12. Ford, "Nearly Double": This commercial had us at "Hi, I'm Rob Riggle."
11. Toyota, "Big Game Ad": If you add the Muppets, it will make anything better. But are they suggesting Terry Crews was tripping and that's why he saw singing vegetables?
10. Jaguar, British Villains Rendezvous: Tom Hiddleston is in this, so every other commercial that doesn't have Tom Hiddleston falls short.
9. Budweiser, "A Hero's Welcome": A punch right to the heart. Burns so good.
8. Doritos, "Time Machine": Yes to plotting children!
7. Coca-Cola, "It's Beautiful": It caused quite the uproar on Twitter, so it must have done something right. America is a melting pot, folks. Has been for a long time. Get used to it.
6. Intuit/GoldieBlox, "Bring the Toys": Get those weak, pink toys out of here! Sometimes girls wants to play with something besides dollhouses. And this was the first time a small, independent company was featured during the Super Bowl, so it gets points just for showing some love for the little people.
5. RadioShack, "The Phone Call": Loved all the '80s icons storming the store, but we loved that RadioShack is in on the joke that they've been basically obsolete since…well, since the '80s.
4. H&M, David Beckham: Wait, what was this an ad for? Who cares? Point deduction due to the lack of Beckham ass.
3. Wonderful Pistachios, "Stephen Colbert": Much like the Muppets, if you add Colbert, it's better. Doesn't matter what it is, it's just better. And it's really hard to beat Pistachio Colbert!
2. Audi, "Doberhuahua": Not only was this commercial genuinely funny, but it promoted rescuing your pet over breeding your own weird hybrid. Don't make Doberhuahuas, please. And this was the first time we could watch Sarah McLachlan talking about animals without immediately bursting into tears, changing the channels or a combination of both of those reactions.
1. Budweiser, "Puppy Love": We've seen this commercial already, and we still cried when it aired during the game. A+++
Agree with our ranking? Don't agree? Either way, let us know down below and be sure to tell us how wrong and awful we are if you disagree with us. That's the way Internet comments work.
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