If only the initial denial that Eva Longoria was divorcing Tony Parker had been true for longer than a day, this week would have been about nothing but romance and wedding bells and the British monarchy.
And the surging Tea Party, of course.
But the rumors were true and yet another golden couple made it nowhere near their golden anniversary (i.e. five years, Hollywood standard time).
SPLIT OF THE WEEK: A fairytale wedding is no guarantee that the match is made in Grease heaven. Eva Longoria dropped her hyphenate like it was hot in filing for divorce from NBA star Tony Parker, who, like so many others before him, apparently was lulled into a false sense of texting security. He pleads innocent to cheating in the particular case of a former teammate's wife, but even if he didn't violate the marital code in that instance, he may have violated the bro code.
UPSET OF THE WEEK: Bristol Palin still being on Dancing With the Stars wasn't that big a deal, until she knocked Brandy out of the running! The audience emitted an audible gasp, the contestants were stunned, Maksim Chmerkovskiy made no pretense of being cool with it, and now the FBI are investigating how an envelope full of powder (luckily just talc) ended up in the mailroom. Before she danced for her spot in the final, Bristol opened up to E! News about the controversy, the so-called conspiracy and life in general. Next week is the finale, also featuring Jennifer Grey and Kyle Massey. Care to cast your vote now?
THOROUGHBRED ENGAGEMENT OF THE WEEK: Prince William has finally offered to make an honest royal of trendsetter Kate Middleton after roughly eight years of dating, giving her his late mum's ring and everything! Do you understand what a big deal this is?!
CIVILIAN ENGAGEMENT OF THE WEEK: Like her supportive ex, Jessica Simpson is ready to give the newlyweds thing another try, too, accepting a proposal from retired footballer Eric Johnson (who isn't a poor social climber, for those of you who were wondering). In case it seems like he put a ring on it rather fast (not Xmas fast, though), consider this: LeAnn Rimes' ex-husband, Dean Sheremet, is also planning to take the plunge again after being divorced for about five minutes. (On the flip side, Ali and Roberto plan to just be engaged for now.)
SUPERHERO ENGAGEMENT OF THE WEEK: Watch With Kristin was thrilled to report that wedding bells are part of the future for Clark and Lois on Smallville—even if it's a future viewers just have to trust in if the series signs off before "I do's" are said.
BABY BOOM: Pink admits she's aglow with expectancy...Chris Daughtry and wife Deanna welcomed twins Adalynn and Noah...Paulina Rubio and hubby Nicolas Vallejo welcomed their first niño, Andrea...Rachel Zoe admits to baby-bumpin'...Jen Schefft and hubby Joe Waterman welcomed daughter Mae Elizabeth...Ne-Yo and girlfriend Monyetta welcomed a daughter...Kelly Preston still bumpin', not birthin'.
ROMANCE FILES: Michael Phelps dipping into the dating pool with Brittny Gastineau...Kellen Lutz and AnnaLynne McCord still spending time together despite the breakup...Julianne Hough sings Ryan Seacrest's praises.
POTTER'S FIELD: Leak, shmeak! Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 was a raging success at midnight, if not quite the draw that were New Moon and Eclipse...Daniel Radcliffe expounds on former costar Robert Pattinson (one of the grown-up Potter hotties) and kissing Emma Watson...Will Deathly Hallows get the Return of the King treatment?...Do you want more Harry Potter books?...Regardless, watch our replay of the film's New York premiere right here!
FWIW, JK: Bristol Palin apologized on behalf of her and sister Willow for lashing out on Facebook at a few folks who didn't think Sarah Palin's Alaska was top-notch entertainment. Actually, Willow (or, there's always the possibility, a hacker) used a couple of gay slurs, but Bristol isn't running for public office and therefore felt no need to apologize for that part per se.
SPEAKING UP: Oksana Grigorieva discussed the Mel Gibson Tapes on Larry King Live, saying she recorded her ex's rants so that she could both encourage him to get help and give her mother evidence to go on in case something happened to her. Meanwhile, the L.A. District Attorney's Office is looking into who leaked gobs of Gibson family court documents to the press.
RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES: Veteran Hollywood publicist Ronni Chasen was gunned down in her Mercedes Benz on the streets of Beverly Hills after attending the Burlesque premiere.
TV LAND: Tyra Banks makes directorial debut...Top Chef: Just Desserts picks first winner...Medium canceled after seven seasons...No ALMA Awards this year...Next up, The Celebrity Vice President?...Mad Men plays coy...Joe Scarborough gets the Olbermann special...American Idol cuts some dead weight and changes timeslots...The Incredible Hulk headed to the small screen (er, because of all the recent big-screen success?)...Glee talent search gets Oxygen...PBS' Tina Fey fete skimped on the Palin jokes...NBC shuffles the schedule in January...Taylor Momsen made adorable commercials once...SPOILER ZONE!
SCREEN PLAY: Lindsay Lohan no longer heating up Inferno...Angelina Jolie pulls directorial debut from Bosnia amid conflict...Cam Giganget going the full monty in Burlesque...Oscar favoring The King's Speech and Colin Firth already...Toy Story 3 tops Oscar's animated short list...Leonardo DiCaprio is the latest to wonder who really killed JFK...Carrie Mulligan is Daisy to Leo's Great Gatsby...Brad Pitt wants in on the Chilean miners story...The Hangover 2 gets Bill Clinton...Daniel Craig is on the 3:10 to outerspace in the Cowboys & Aliens trailer...Ryan Reynolds brings sexy back to The Green Lantern trailer...Michael Caine spiffs up the Cars 2 trailer...Amanda Seyfried fears wolves of all shapes and sizes in the Red Riding Hood trailer.
MUSICAL NOTES: See Jesse McCartney "Shake" right here...Miley Cyrus opens up to E! News about The Big Bang 'n' stuff...The Beatles and iTunes let it be...Glee kids to serenade Europe...Randy Jackson upset over Michael...Rihanna poses for album art to remember...Bruce Springsteen and "Neil Young" try their hands at whipping their hair back and forth...Christina Aguilera gets a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame...Sugarland sweetens the pot for former member.
WE'RE THE GOOD GUYS: Matt Damon and Ben Affleck fighting hunger...Jennifer Garner saving the children in her home state...Denzel Washington and Anne Hathaway hosting the Nobel Peace Prize Concert...Kal Penn returning to the Office of Public Engagement.
COVERAGE: Anne Hathaway and Jake Gyllenhaal get naked...Matthew Morrison Details his abs...Jeff Bridges, Stephen Colbert, Drake and James Franco share the GQ wealth...Lea Michele and Cory Monteith stay demure for Teen Vogue.
LAW & ORDER: Chris Brown is a first-class probationer...Audrina Patridge stalker sentenced to prison...Teen Mom Amber Portwood charged in alleged baby-daddy beatdown...Jail still exists, therefore DMX is there...Court still exists, therefore Randy Quaid is not there...Prison or bust for Wesley Snipes...T.I. doesn't appear to be enjoying prison...Russell Brand chastened but not charged...A posthumous pardon for Jim Morrison?...Hard time ahead for Cameron Douglas...Surviver producer accused of killing wife in Mexico in custody in the U.S.
CIVIL WAR: Michael Douglas' Wall Street 2 money won't be sleeping in his ex's bank account...Real Housewives of New Yorker Sonja Morgan files for bankruptcy...South Park sued for being too on-the-nose.
HEALTH SCARES: Rosie O'Donnell's biopsies come up benign...Bill Nye, the science guy, back in the lab after collapsing during an appearance...Toni Braxton is living with lupus...T.J. Lavin back home after bike crash and receiving outpatient treatment.
SEEN: Robert Patinson and Kristen Stewart piggybacking and otherwise frolicking on the beach in Brazil...Paris Hilton and Sober Coach costar Brooke Mueller staying dry at Us Weekly's Hot Hollywood party at Colony...Joe Bryant dishing on Rachel Zoe's baby-naming prowess at Esquire House's Oxfam party in Hollywood...John Mayer and Gerard Butler swapping Jen stories rocking out to "Mustang Sally" at Butler's 41st birthday party at the Darby in NYC...Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Kyle Richards venting at a Bel Air house party.