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    Bitch-Back! Are the Affleck Boys in Big Trouble?

    Ben Affleck, Casey Affleck Gareth Cattermole/Getty Images

    Dear Ted:
    My imaginary Great Dane says "rut ro!" regarding the Affleck brothers. Is the poo about to hit the fan?
    —SeaBee

    Dear Brothers Grim:
    Why Casey's sexual-harassment s--t may be hitting the proverbial fan right now, Ben is fairing far better. He has not one but two flicks coming out that look more than decent (and both utilize some awesome accents, too!), and isn't anywhere near the doghouse with wifey Jennifer Garner. She knows how to run a tight ship; Ben would never get away with any of the antics his bro is accused of.

    Dear Ted:
    What do you think of Lindsay Lohan released "for good behavior"? And will rehab help her? I think there are cases with no solutions, and this may be one of those.
    —Nikki

    Dear Lynwood Leftovers:
    It was less "good behavior" (is Linds even capable of that?) and more due to overcrowding. No one expected her to serve the full sentence because it was a "nonviolent" crime. Do I think she learned her lesson from her stint in jail? No, she wined about how hard it was on the inside, but special treatment—and there was some, trust—isn't going to change her sense of entitlement.

    Dear Ted:
    Nikki Reed
    too pretty...are you kidding? Kristen Stewart is gorgeous; Nikki is not. You are losing every ounce of credibility with so many of us. Do you want to be Perez Hilton? He is a lowlife and you better pray that you do not follow down that vile path. Watch your step with Garrett...
    —Kristen

    Dear Anger Management:
    Do you really think I'm calling K.Stew ugly? If so, K, then that Bitch-Back! was clearly your first time reading this blolumn. Kristen is totally hot in a unconventional way, which is perf for the role (if you've read the books), whereas N.R. is too cookie-cutter cute. Jeez, calm down, doll.

    Dear Ted:
    I guess I'm OK with the whole Ryan Gosling-Sandra Bullock thing, but quite frankly, it's never gonna happen. Firstly he's not even 30 yet, and I think he's more focused on his career than starting a family. Secondly, the age gap is just too big now. It was all right when he was 21 and she was 38, but I think they're in totally different places right now. And lastly, the whole reason they broke up in the first place was the long distances, and now she's living in New Orleans? Nope, that ship has sailed. Time to hook Ryan up with someone else. I'm voting me?
    —Ailish

    Dear Cougarific:
    While I do agree that Ry and Sandy won't rekindle their romance anytime soon—it was just a sexy suggestion, after all—I don't think it has anything to do with age. Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are making it work, no? But I would settle for a big-screen reunion of the former costars. Goslock could be the new Bullnolds (that's Ryan Reynolds, of course).

    Dear Ted:
    Now that Judas Jack-off and Dashed Dingle-Dream are back together, what are the chances they will finally come out? Do you think they are more or less likely to come out than Toothy Tile and Grey Goose? I hope at least one of them will!
    —Chaz

    Dear Close Closet Call:
    That's a tough one, Chaz, 'cause both the duos are mucho comfortable in their respective closets. But if I had to choose who would come out as a couple, it would be T2 and G2. Way more serious and way more comfortable with each other.

    Dear Ted:
    I think Zooey Deschanel would make the perfect Lisbeth Salandar. What do you think? Is she on the short list?
    —Leigha

    Dear The Lisbeth List:
    Nope, as adorable (and acting capable) as Zooey is, she wasn't up for this Tattooed chick. Not what the producers were looking for, though I'm sure she'd have done the fierce femme justice.

    Dear Ted:
    I take umbrage with your comment that Mischa Barton dresses like crap because of what she (allegedly) smokes. Is that why Jennifer Aniston has a stylist?
    —XXOO

    Dear Ganja Garb:
    I'm guessing one of these ladies hits the funny stuff a bit more than the other—and that's not based on each gal's outfits of choice. Sorry you were offended and if you were offended again by my rolling my eyes. Oh, wait...you didn't see that, did you?

    Dear Ted:
    Why not have a poll with all the male True Blood stars to see who the fans want to be the first to do full-frontal nudity. Oh! That's exciting to think about, isn't it? Who do you think it will be? Who would you like it to be?
    —Ken

    Dear Poled:
    Well my current choice—and the rest of the T.B. cast's, as you know—is Joe Manganiello. How unfair was it that we only got one friggin' second to peak at his tush the other week?

    Dear Ted:
    I am new to your blog, but me and my two rescue mutts, Wendy and Peter Pan, are now hopelessly addicted to the A.T. and your Robsten coverage! I was going through some of your old Robsten articles, and I stumbled across a post where you basically admitted that Robert Pattinson does a fair deal of flirting/hooking up, and that Kristen is basically OK with it. This is just so shocking to me. It completely contradicts my image of Kristen as this fierce, strong, independent woman. I cannot think of anything less romantic than this setup, and so I have to ask: Is it still going on? And if so, when is Kristen going to hook up with Taylor Lautner or one of the myriad other men lined up for her attention? This makes me want to kick Rob's ass!
    —Three Pissed Bitches

    Dear Former Bad Boy:
    Wrongo, babe. You can tell Wendy and Peter Pan that any playboy antics Robby was up to were pre-K.Stew. And can you blame him when every gal in the world (let alone Hollywood) is throwing herself at him?

    Dear Ted:
    I'm getting a little obsessed with looking for beards and seem to be finding them everywhere! Are bearding relationships set up by a third party, say a manager? Or does an actor just approach a friend or costar and say, "Hey, will you be my pretend GF so I won't loose my female fan base and can continue to make lots o' money? 'n thanks?"—BubbleYum

    Dear Hairy Situation:
    Could be either, really. Some arrangements are far more business-oriented, involving both camps and paperwork galore (yes, there are contracts—that's how serious these setups can get). Others are more casual, with a hottie helping out her gay bestie.

    Dear Ted:
    I saw the most good-looking cast at the Scott Pilgrim premiere last week, and I wondered is there any gossip about the cast? They appear to the too young and good-looking for there to not be any! Or is that just the Twilight gang?
    —Sarah

    Dear Terrible Twenties:
    Correct me if I'm wrong, S, but isn't there some Twilight overlap in that comic-book cast?

    Dear Ted:
    Please tell me you have any news about Robert Pattinson. I'm having my Rob withdrawals here. Any new movie he's in talks for? A new project? Come on Ted. Give something here!
    —Jess

    Dear Project Pattinson:
    Don't worry, Jess, Robby is booked up solid through springtime of 2011. He's getting plenty of work.

    Dear Ted:
    Is Toothy's longtime BF a chef?
    —Curious

    Dear Dinner and Dessert:
    By profession, no. But who knows what he could whip up in the kitchen for his main man.

    Dear Ted:
    What gives? You haven't answered any questions about Chubster Hunkster—and I know you've received some—since you wrote the Blind. Is legal breathing down your neck on this one? Should we just give up? Enquiring minds want to know.
    —H

    Dear Blinded by the Vice:
    The guesses for that horndog Hunkster must have gotten lost in all the Q's begging for info on Nev or Nelly Fang. Send ‘em my way tho, I'd love for you crafty commenters to peg this cheater.

    Dear Ted:
    Regarding Strippa Rip-Ya, you have an obligation as a human being to report abuse (even if it's just suspected)! If you don't speak up, your hands would not be clean if, heaven forbid, something worse happened! Silence allows these kind of things to continue! Out the abuser or go to the police!
    —Heat

    Dear Wants Justice:
    I have not seen Strippa's man shove her around. This is what her worried friends are telling me. In a court of law, which is exactly where this type of behavior should be ultimately be judged, I would have to have direct knowledge myself to put forth the accusations. This is where a gossip column comes in handy—to hopefully encourage the folks who do have direct knowledge of Strippa's unfortunate situation to spill. Let's hope they do.

    Dear Ted:
    My guess for Moisty Mohr is Maury Povich. Am I right?
    —Daphne

    Dear Skankernity Test:
    Maury, when it comes to Moisty Mohr, you are...not the perv!

    Love Ted? Follow @theawfultruth on Twitter.

    ________

    Check out the Bitch-Back section for more clues on your fave Blind Vices.

     

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