It's hard being Jessica Simpson. Not just because every ounce she gains is subject to media scrutiny, or because she seems to have honed her ability to choose anatomically racist boyfriends, or even because the world is still not entirely convinced that she knows the difference between chicken and tuna.
No, it's hard being Jessica Simpson because she apparently blames herself for all of the above.
So let's jump right in—John Mayer. Douche. Discuss:
"Yeah, I couldn't read the article," she said of his infamous Playboy interview. "I heard about it and I saw some of the clips and stuff. I tried to read the article and I was so...I was so disappointed in him.
"It made me so sad and it was really discouraging, because that's not the John that I knew."
Still, silver lining alert! As we heard yesterday, the John she knew—and dated "on and off for two years"—didn't, to her mind, say the absolute worst thing possible.
"I guess it could have been a lot worse—my phone is ringing off the hook, I have to say," she said. Not that she isn't still pissed.
"Absolutely, I felt betrayed. I just...you know, I hope he gets his life together. He did apologize to me," she went on, albeit by revealing that Mayer didn't even man up enough to deliver his mea culpa in person. Or on the phone.
"I haven't written back," she said, ignoring Oprah's question of whether he pulled a Joe Jonas and resorted to texting the apology. "I don't accept it. It's just kind of one of those things—I don't resent him, I'm just gonna let that go, that part of my life."
Unfortunately, it's probably going to be a while before the media follows suit. But after tackling Jessica's romantic woes, the pity party moved on to discuss her other tabloid-targeted weakness: her weight.
First of all, Jessica is not immune to your criticism, and thanks to the Internet-savvy haters (and really, what hater isn't Internet-savvy these days?) she told Mama O that her lowest point of the last few years came courtesy of the anonymous smack-talkers. And, OK, those highly regrettable mom jeans.
"People couldn't stop talking about my weight fluctuating," she preached to the choir told Oprah. "It would bother any woman, I would think. The fact that I was famous last year for gaining 10 pounds is ridiculous and it's really sad."
Particularly because Jess seems to think it's her own fault for laying under the media microscope to begin with, back when her biggest relationship worry was whether or not she and then-hubby Nick Lachey were adequately lit.
"I didn't know what I was signing up for, but I do think that I opened myself up to the world of judgment and of people's opinions," she said of her ill-fated decision to be a TV Newlywed.
"In a lot of ways it is my fault and I shouldn't expect people not to...I just didn't know it would end up so harsh."
And it only seems to have gotten harsher from there.
"The sad part about it is when everything came out, I didn't want to say anything about the weight, I didn't want to sit down and talk to anyone about it, because I felt guilty," Simpson said.
But, ever the giver, the guilt did not come from concerns about her own physique, which she's just fine with, thankyouverymuch. Instead, she was worried about the feelings of those civilians who might actually be bigger than her fluctuating (but let's be honest, still way more petite than your Average Jane) self.
"I just didn't want to feed into it. I didn't want people to let people know it was affecting me," she said, before once again proclaiming her love of curves.
"It's a really hard thing for me to talk about because I celebrate women of all sizes and I think we're all beautiful. I do believe it is something that comes from within, and something you have to find within yourself to be comfortable with yourself."
Still, her press nightmare was not all in vain, as she credits the mom jean backlash with giving her the idea for her new VH1 globetrotting documentary, The Price of Beauty.
What she saw pass for beauty around the world affected her deeply, evidenced by the tears that streamed down her face when discussing the negative impact media can have on women of all ages—including herself.
"Just the pressure that women feel to be thin or to be beautiful," she began. "The pressure that the media puts on women is so unfair and so disgusting."
As the tears came after Oprah previewed a clip dealing with a French model's battle with anorexia, Winfrey apparently felt it was the right time to ask Simpson whether she herself ever battled with an eating disorder.
"No, I've tried every fad diet, every diet there is, but never to the extent where it's unhealthy," Simpson replied.
Apparently, her willingness to discuss dieting seemed to make Oprah think that she would have no problem getting grilled on her own measurements.
"Do you mind saying what size you are?" Oprah asked.
"I'm a size 4. I fluctuate from 4 to 6," Jessica said, admitting that those mom jeans actually fell on the lower end of her personal size spectrum. Which was almost too much for Oprah to bear.
"Those are size 4? And people are calling you fat in a size 4?!" Oprah asked.
After determining that Simpson's biggest size ever was a well below average 6, an overcome Oprah had no choice but to end the segment.
"Ay, ay, ay. Ay, ay, ay," she said. "Oh my god, 8 is a goal."
Still, maybe Oprah can take comfort in Simpson's take-home lesson on beauty:
"Nobody else can define it but myself. Nobody's words, nobody's compliments, nobody's love"—nobody's ay ay ays?—"none of that, it's all what I have in myself.
"But I'm really finally relaxed. I don't care what people have to say about my weight, I really don't. I think I look great." We, for one, tend to agree.
Now if only we could do something about her taste in men...
This story mentions John Mayer. We feel morally obliged to link to our What a Douche! gallery. We're sure he understands.