Rick Rowell/ABCWhat a beautiful day in paradise!
Chad was gone for good, left to whine about how he now has no chance to be the next Bachelor as he was ferried off to whatever hellscape he inhabits, and it was time for things to really get going, with help from a dramatic rose ceremony and a serious blast from Bachelor past.
Here's what went down:
Leah Arrives…and Then Leaves Again
The night began with the arrival of Leah, whose rather different-looking face was not one we recognized until the twins reminded us of that time she told Ben lies about Lauren B. in order to shake up her season of The Bachelor. Upon arrival, she announced that she only had eyes for the protein-loving Chad.
Unfortunately, he had just been kicked off the beach, so she had to pick someone else for her date card. Much to Amanda's dismay, she picked Nick, and was convinced that they had a deep, rose-worthy connection. Nick was not so convinced, and after getting his own date card (which felt like some pretty blatant intervening by producers) and inviting Amanda, he was definitely just going to give his rose to Amanda, no matter what Leah did or how loudly she yelled "Look at me!"
She, of course, went on about how Amanda's too "needy" and "dependent" as a young mom of two to be of any interest to Nick, and then thought her second best bet was Canadian Daniel, so we were not at all sad to see her go home without a rose.
Lace and Grant
Lace got upset because she felt like she had no friends, and that her early connection with Grant had been destroyed by her 2-hour tumultuous disaster of a fling with Chad. Grant, however, assured her that he was willing to pretend that whole Chad thing just didn't even happen. And he was willing to pretend that hard, because they ended up sleeping together. You go, Lace!
Vinny and Sarah and Izzy
Love triangle alert! Both Sarah and Izzy went after Vinny, and he made out with both of them. They both took the kisses as some sort of comforting confirmation that he was picking them. He ended up picking…Izzy.
Carly and Evan
Carly found herself wondering what it would be like to kiss Evan, and then they kissed, and they ended up with very differing opinions about how that kiss went. Evan described it as butterflies and explosions before lying in bed, lightly stroking his stomach and presumably dreaming of Carly kisses.
According to Carly, it was the worst kiss ever. Evan's kissing was so bad that she couldn't figure out how he has two children. But at least it meant Evan was going to give Carly his rose, and we just want Carly to find happiness, and also to stick around. Whether the latter depends on the former has yet to be seen, but we would miss Carly if she were gone.
While Carly was determined to avoid Evan (who she claimed was giving her erectile dysfunction), Evan was of course given the next date card, and she felt she had to go. The date ended up being possibly even weirder than the piñata cemetery from last week.
In front of a crowd and Chris Harrison, Carly and Evan had to eat a hot pepper, and then kiss continuously for 90 seconds in order to break a record for world's hottest kiss, which they did. All of this was horrifying, and we're pretty sure this show is trying to torture us, and also Carly.
Canadian Daniel
Can we talk about how disgusting Daniel is? Next to Chad's bad behavior, he's almost a catch, but on his own he's kind of horrifying. But like, horrifying in a hilariously quotable way.
"Talking to the twins, it's not like talking to a brick wall…it's like talking to a leather couch."
"I have standards. I'm an eagle, and I'm not going to drop down to the pigeon level. But if I were just to bang someone tonight, it would be one of the twins."
Fortunately/unfortunately, in the end, it was down to Daniel to give out the final rose, and he chose…Sarah! That meant both Leah and poor Jubilee went home, but at least neither of them have to deal with Canadian Daniel.
And finally…Josh Murray Returns
It was the promo reveal that made us gasp out loud, and it was no less entertaining to actually watch Josh's arrival play out. He immediately went after all the women, and all the women immediately found him deeply attractive.
Of course, if you've forgotten, Josh and Nick were the final two during Andi Dorfman's season of The Bachelorette, and Josh ended up winning. The engagement ended a few months later, but their rivalry was one that never got to be revisited…until tonight.
So it was extra shady when Josh's date card went to Amanda, and Amanda happily accepted after basically melting into his arms as a result of hearing about his cancer-stricken puppy.
While Josh and Amanda shared cocktails on a boat, Nick and the rest of the beach bums discussed Andi's book and the things she said about Nick and Josh that may or may not have been true. Nick said that several of the things that were written about him were true, so he assumed there were things about Josh that were true.
Josh and Amanda also discussed the book, but Josh claimed it was 100% fictional, and he had no comment on anything alleged in the book, because of how very fictional it is. The book did not deter Amanda from making out with Josh and being excited about what was to come, despite any connections with Nick she may have had, and Nick was left to sadly wander the beach and flex his many muscles.
After Josh and Amanda came back, it was clear that Josh couldn't have cared less that he stole Nick's date, and that any potential feelings Amanda had for Nick were gone and replaced with feelings for Josh.
This time, we're kinda feeling Team Nick, but maybe he needs to take some pointers from Emily on how to seduce people. Do you think she teaches classes?
Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on ABC.