There are no better experts on truly terrible movies than the guys behind Mystery Science Theater: 3000, who now take on horrible A movies as well as awful B movies with Rifftrax. If you ever thought the Twilight series needed a running commentary skewering the ridiculous plot and acting, Rifftrax has got you covered.
The Rifftrax team (Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett) has just released its worst movies of 2014 list, and (unsurprisingly) Michael Bay films appear not once, not twice, but three times. The guys polled their users and after hundreds of thousands of votes, we have our winners losers.
Here it is, your worst movies of 2014, according to the guys who have seen The Room, Manos: Hands of Fate and Birdemic: Shock and Terror more times than is probably healthy. So they know what they are talking about:
10. 300: Rise of an Empire
"Favorite scene: when all the guys start chanting ‘THIS IS SPARTA!!...WELL IT ISN'T QUITE SPARTA YET, BUT IT'S WELL ON ITS WAY TO BECOMING SPARTA, LOOK WE'RE DOING OUR BEST, OKAY?'"
"How do you zazz up the most cataclysmic story in the Bible? Easy! Add fallen angels who become battlin' rock monsters! It's a knock-down drag out stone-fisted Genesis Retcon, and this time it's heretical."
8. Sex Tape
"An adorable suburban couple try to revive their romance by making a video of themselves having sex, because that always works. They manage to shoot eleven different angles of themselves from a single iPad. But oh no, their sex video got up on the cloud and now they can't get it down! What are they gonna do?! Surprisingly little happens. Features eleven thousand Apple products and a dog getting injured."
7. Ouija (Michael Bay entry #1)
"According to Rotten Tomatoes, Ouija was 'definitely a movie' that 'came out in theaters' and 'not just something you guys made up to mess with us.' Hey, why not take a minor prop used in dozens of B movies and make that prop the whole movie? Only the spirits know the answer."
6. The Amazing Spider-Man 2
"A thrilling summer popcorn flick that critics have described as 'performing satisfactorily in overseas markets' and 'providing an adequate return on investment firms' money.' This year, the catchphrase on everyone's lips was 'Huh...Guess they made another one...' when they saw that boxes of Frosted Flakes came with a free Spider-Man yo-yo."
5. Left Behind
"Nicolas Cage reprises his role as Jack Left for the third movie in the trilogy after the equally derided Left Ahead and Left In The Middle. Chad Michael Murray co-stars as 'No, I wasn't the third son on Home Improvement. Yes, I'm sure.'"
4. A Million Ways to Die in the West
"Seth MacFarlane's relentless juggernaut of pop culture dominance is delayed oh-so-briefly by a movie that pretty much died, in the West and elsewhere. A Millions Ways to Die in the West II: The Quickening will NOT make the mistake of omitting a drunken, lecherous teddy bear. For a li'l change of pace, Liam Neeson plays a guy who is good with guns."
3. Dumb and Dumber To
"The pompous speech-giving anchorman from HBO's The Newsroom falls back into the dimensional portal he escaped through years ago, and is sucked back into his former parallel-universe life: Jim Carrey's low-IQ sidekick with constant explosive diarrhea. They wear wigs too!"
2. Transformers: Age of Extinction (Michael Bay entry #2)
"If you'd like the experience of seeing this movie but prefer not to give any portion of your income to Michael Bay, just have a screaming lunatic beat you into unconsciousness with small engine parts."
1. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Michael Bay entry #2)
"Finally, advances in CGI technology and film wizardry are able to create a Megan Fox so lifelike you'd swear she was actually human."