Think of it as the anti-Love Actually. Instead of charming us with multiple, intertwining love stories, this sugary schlock sends us searching for the nearest insulin shot. Director Garry Marshall gathers a celebrity-studded cast (Julia Roberts, Ashton Kutcher, Jennifer Garner, Bradley Cooper, et al.), but the artificial characters and stale dialogue make Valentine's Day as appealing as years-old candy hearts.
Only fools rush in...to see this lame romantic adventure. Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson reteam (after How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days) as an estranged, treasure-hunting couple who search for a sizable booty, the pirate kind! Oh sure, both actors are gorgeous and show plenty of bronzed skin, but all that glitters… Plodding, predictable, and devoid of yo-ho-hos, this Gold is worthless junk.
Long before Britney Spears took on X Factor, she hit the highway in this road-trip retread, which packs every cliché for the ride. The MTV diva makes her big-screen debut as Lucy, a virginal valedictorian (ahem) who drives cross-country with two gal pals and cutie ex-convict Ben (Anson Mount). A Lucy-Ben romance blooms, pop songs are performed and teenage dreams are pursued, but Crossroads crashes and burns at every expected turn.
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!" wails Kelly Clarkson. So after nearly drowning in the banality of this beach blanket bomb, we should be friggin' Superman. The American Idol first-season winner survived this embarrassment; her costar and runner-up Justin Guarini did not. They play spring breakers who meet in Miami, fall in love and sing and dance about it, badly. Where are land sharks when you need them?
A rom-com that's neither rom nor com, Steve stars Sandra Bullock as insufferably quirky-perky Mary, a crossword puzzle creator who falls for news cameraman Steve (Bradley Cooper) after one blind date. Convinced they're meant to be together, delusional Mary trails the guy across the country, because chatty stalkers are hilarious and not creepy at all, right? Eek. We want a restraining order against this hot mess.
If brainless Norbit has any heart, you're hard-pressed to find it beneath the layers of latex and crass fat jokes. Eddie Murphy plays multiple characters again (yawn), including the nerdy title character and his overweight, overbearing monster of a wife. Meanwhile, Thandie Newton—what's she doing here?—is the skinny, pretty object of Norbit's affections. Overindulging in mean-spirited gags and racial stereotypes, this belly flop starves us in the laughs department.
You know a movie's doomed when characters have "hilarious" names like Dick Pants and Tugginmypudha. Mike Myers hits bottom with this barrel-scraping dud about Guru Pitka (Myers), a fame-craving mystic who counsels clients (including Jessica Alba) about spirituality and self-help. Help yourself by avoiding this toxic collection of recycled shtick and gross-out gags. No love for Love Guru.
You mean "starring Dane Cook" isn't enough to convince you Chuck sucks? This moronic raunch-fest features the "funnyman" as a dude with a curse—every woman Chuck boinks finds true love with the next guy she dates. When Chuck falls head over flippers for a penguin expert (Jessica Alba again!), can he finally reverse the curse? Who cares? As with Chuck, the next movie you see will be perfection by comparison.
These days, Ben Affleck can say, "Argo f--k yourself!" to his critics, but in 2003, this notorious fiasco nearly deep-sixed his career. Affleck and Jennifer Lopez play a hit man and lesbian assassin who guard a mentally handicapped hostage (don't ask) and eventually fall in love. Oh, that Affleck can charm the pants off anyone! This poorly acted, wretchedly scripted crime-world romance is like a bullet to the brain, though that at least would be quicker.
OMG, like WTF?! Paris Hilton plays preening princess Cristabel, who refuses to date love-struck Nate (Joel David Moore) until she finds a man for BFF June (Christine Lakin). Ugly duckling June—with blackened teeth, hairy moles, and moustache—eventually morphs into a swan, but Hottie remains repugnant on every level. Unfunny gags pile up as Hilton coos lines like, "A life without orgasms is like a world without flowers." Imagine a world without this crap.
NEXT GALLERY: The 10 Best Romance Movies