Frederick Breedon/Getty ImagesDear Ted:
I read your column every morning, and I can't sit idly by when you are trashing everything I believe in. First, let me say that I believe same-sex couples should be entitled to everything from a legal standpoint that hetero couples enjoy. However, the concept of marriage was born in the church; therefore, it is a religious concept. Like it or not, it does say in my Bible that marriage is between one man and one woman. If you want to enjoy the same legal benefits, then why not push for civil unions? Maybe we're just caught up in semantics here, but marriage, as a religious concept, is not meant for same-sex couples.
—K.B., Houston
Dear God:
So glad you aren't twittering yet. Staying away from it 'cause you know Ashton Kutcher would still have more followers? P.S. Bite me.
Dear Ted:
Some people are complaining that you didn't talk about Robert Pattinson's parents being with him and Kristen to celebrate his birthday. Can you clarify for all us Robsten lovers out there? Thanks.
—T
Dear Read the Slang:
We said Rob's 'rents, as in parents, were at dinner with Kristen and the gang. And if you look at the pics of Pattinson leaving with Stewart, you can see that his family left with them. We don't need to point out every Robsten detail do we? I mean, the Twi detractors are asking for less, not more. Can't we just leave things the way they are?
Dear Ted:
Please tell us Nikki Reed is not going to Italy for New Moon. She is a hard pill to swallow, especially since her part in the series was so grossly miscast. Seems like her leave of absence was a Robsten-requested punishment, but now Summit is letting her show her face again because it needs her to resume her role of cock blocker and tattletale. Can you find out if the travel plans she's been blabbing about this week are true? Thanks!
—JinNola
Dear Third Wheel:
Like we told ya Sat, we hear Nikki won't be heading to Italy. But don't be so hard on N.R., she's had a rocky couple of months.
Dear Ted:
A tabloid is now claiming that Michael Angarano will be working with Rob in Summit's next film titled, Remember Me. Was this part of the pay/bargain of M.A. being used a prop in trying to distract the people from what was really going on with R and K? How do Rob and Kristen feel about this? Can you imagine the premiere? Awkward.
—Kris D
Dear Variety:
If I were Michael, Rob would be the last person I would want to hang around with.
Dear Ted:
Ted-doll, my love, my gossip guru. I have had Jamie Foxx in my mind for quite some time now. Please, please clue us in. Is he Toothy Tile?
—SweetIrishSwede
Dear Foxtail:
Wrong B.V. for Jamie, doll. Way wrong, too.
Dear Ted:
I'm a newbie, so pardon me for not knowing the slang. But what is a Crescent Kumquat? Where do I go for your lingo?
—Sandysmom
Dear Virginal:
Crescent Kumquat would be the pseudonym for a certain young actor who is doing naughty things, but we cannot legally tell you about his indiscretions. They're with a another guy. They both have terrific hair and careers.
Dear Ted:
Just had to say no to calling these strange, out-of-touch with reality Twilight fans "Robstenites." I think "Robstennuts" suits them much better! I'm totally amazed at the level of obsession from some of these people...They seem to range from never-been-kissed teens to lonely, unhappily married, never-been-kissed old maids.
—Cheryl, Seattle
Dear Not So Robsessed:
Going to the tired old needs to get laid theory, huh? There you're quite wrong. This is a very well-sexed group, darling, think again!
Dear Ted:
Is Hard-Nipple Nick Mel Gibson?
—Allsmiles
Dear Conspiracy Theory:
Mel is bigger scum than HNN. At least Nick and his babe have extramarital agreements that don't involve acrimony and millions of bucks.
Dear Ted:
I'm not gonna tear you a new one over: (a) Twilight overkill, (b) the new old problem with the yellow background or (c) anything to do with Jen/ Brad/ Angie. Just a little curious about something. Do you ever post on the boards? Maybe throw us off on some of the Blind Vices or give the right answers?
—Lorraine
Dear Food for Thought:
I don't, but thanks for the idea! Shall I start? It's just that I kinda feel that's your territory, not mine.
Dear Ted:
Is Robert Downey Jr. Hard-Nipple Nick?
—Susan
Dear Good Guess:
But wrong stud. RDJ's got his act somewhat together now.
Dear Ted:
How reliable is your source on Woody Drop-Hint? I saw this post on Dlisted on Friday, May 8, in which Michael K. guessed it was Ty Pennington: "Which network TV reality star told our source that he is considering coming out in order to boost his image and score some pricey interviews? If you've guessed that he isn't gay, you'd be right. He thinks at the very least being bisexual would cause a stir. He also told this source that his agent wasn't comfortable with the idea, and the star is thinking about going against the agent's advice and possibly getting a new agent."
—Diane Augusta, Ga.
Dear Buzzworthy:
You're giving this Vice way more credit than it's due: it was just a horny, closeted schmuck who wanted to get laid, babe, nothing more.
Dear Ted:
Word is that your fellow gossip blogger Lainey is heading to Cannes. So I'm sure we'll read about sightings of our dear R. Pattz "living it up." I think you should make a trip as well and keep us informed to the true events that are taking place. Any chance of you going? And apparently, Nikki said she's going to Italy when filming begins. Hmmm, trying to show that all is well with her and her costars maybe? I feel like none of them stand her anymore, but maybe that's just me.
—robsten fan
Dear Concerned:
I won't be making it to Cannes, but I can assure you my ears and eyes will be there. As for Nikki, it's easier to just like her than to hate her. You'll sleep better, trust me on this.
Dear Ted:
A Brangelina pop-up book? What a great idea! It could even have a Where's Waldo subtext featuring Aniston—there she is lurking behind the bushes, peeking in the window, stalking the kids, etc. Loved ya since Premiere mag. P.S. Your wig still looks better than the dead animal Trump wears as hair.
—Megley
Dear Hairy High-Five:
Thanks for the Truth, Lies & Ted kudos, much appreciated!
Dear Ted:
Everybody thinks you're trying to imply now that Rob and Kristen are getting or have gotten engaged and that they supposedly announced it to friends and family on Wednesday at Rob's birthday. Rather than the more likely scenario that they were just coming out to those closest to them as an official couple that night. Just wanted to make sure it was the latter scenario only is all.
—Anonymous
Dear Misread:
Simply meant that Kristen looked like it was a big important night for her, too, what with hanging with R.P.'s fam and all. But, when the ‘rents are around, you do know that means something serious is up, don't you?
Dear Ted:
This probably sounds silly, but the Morning Piss regarding Homophobia Alive and Well in (Miss) USA really choked me up. I'm not sure what it was, because it's not like I haven't cared before or haven't been paying attention or haven't read your frustrations on your blog. I think it was Miss California's idiotic statement about her hairdresser, your response and comparison to racism and again, calling out basic civil rights...all things I knew, but well, it all came together to make me teary. I'm really sorry you and your hubby have to go through this—that my best friend has to go through this (we're in Florida where Amendment 2 passed in November) and that anyone else does. I'm a practicing Catholic, but frankly I don't see how the God I believe in would frown on more love and harmony in the world.
—Jeannie
Dear Hopeful:
I appreciate the kind words and support very much. At least some states, like Maine and N.Y., seem to be doing right!
Dear Ted:
When Robsten finally does go public, is no one going to care that all these people are huge liars. What happened to Rob not being able to lie? It's one thing to not address the situation, but entirely different to really flat out lie, and push the lie.
—K Davis
Dear Digging in Deeper:
Yikes, maybe you're the kind of person Summit is afraid of!