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In between fake breaking up with his girlfriend, posing with fellow infamous pop-culture trainwrecks, befriending rabbis and showing a modicum of self-awareness by promoting mocking himself in viral videos, Jon Gosselin has found time to fight back against TLC.

The former reality TV dad is countersuing the Jon and Kate Plus 8 cable net, answering their widening breach-of-contract suit against him by claiming TLC not only violated child labor laws while filming his octobrood at their Pennsylvania compound, but made him sign a totally unfair contract that severely restricted him from pimping Ed Hardy, making the entertainment news show rounds and doing whatever else it is he does to earn money these days.

Aside from alleging that the network caused him to lose business opportunities and harmed his reputation (we weren't aware he needed help on that last one), Gosselin claims in his $5 million suit that the network has also failed to make good on the promise of some cold, hard cash.

"Jon is going to court with a slingshot and is going to aim it at the eye of the monster, TLC," attorney Mark Heller told E! News.

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Jon Gosselin now believes he's a big enough celebrity to do one of those self-referential Funny or Die videos where famous people make fun of themselves and then we think they're cool for a few minutes. (See: Lindsay Lohan's eHarmony one or Paris Hilton's presidential campaign.)

It's all about what he can do to erase the mistakes he's made over the past year. Simple things like: get rid of those earrings, ditch the Ed Hardy, stop going to clubs, don't hang out with the paparazzi and delete Michael Lohan from his phone.

This is all stuff he should actually do, too. In real life. Not in a fake Internet video. So watching him pretend to stop being douchey when he's still being douchey just makes him more douchey.

Also, he probably should have just posted this on YouTube rather than asking people to vote whether he's funny or should die. That's just asking for trouble.

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Now, to cleanse your palate, check out Taylor Swift doing her cute, sincere thing in our Big Pic gallery.

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Hailey Glassman and Michael Lohan have never met a camera they didn't like. But right about now they're probably wishing they had just kept their media-whoring mouths shut.

And if they're not, then Jon Gosselin certainly is.

TLC's pit-bull law firm has unveiled its wish list of Gosselin hangers-on to be grilled in the network's breach-of-contract suit against the octodad, and in a surprise to no one, both Glassman and Lohan are tops on their wish list.

In addition to the publicity parasites, the Washington, D.C.-based firm of Williams & Connolly wants to depose Thomas Meinelt, the paparazzo turned Gosselin bodyguard who is no doubt harboring extensive dirt on his new boss; Jon's divorce attorneys Michael and Mark Heller; and Matthew Kirschner, the rep for the "talent" that is J.Goss.

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How's Jon & Kate Minus Jon working out for TLC? Why is Kate Hudson's boyfriend spreading his wings? And did Heroes just suck you in again?

The answers—and more questions—in the latest TV ratings quiz:

1. Can Kate Gosselin compete with Jon & Kate? Yes. And she can outdo it, too. Last week's Kate-only episode, "You Ask, Kate Answers," was 50 percent bigger, audience-wise, than the previous week's joint-custody adventure.

2. What is the Centaur Effect? On Friday, Us Weekly reported that Alex Rodriguez owned two paintings of himself as a half-man, half-horse. On Sunday, the World Series, featuring Rodriguez's New York Yankees, galloped off with nearly 23 million viewers, TV's No. 1 show of the week, and the fall classic's most-watched contest in five years.

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Twitter; Glibert Carrasquillo/Getty Images

Last night was Kate Gosselin's turn to speak and pause for dramatic effect get choked up. And because there's no way she could have the last word for more than a few hours, now it's Jon Gosselin's turn.

This time the word is "lieing." It reminds us of the time he misspelled his own name on a huge sign threatening some sort of "penelty" to trespassers at his home.

Of course, he takes a break from his current apology tour and starts today with a Twitter update that appears innocent enough. However, thanks to an extended tweet program, looks can be deceiving.

"Got up early this morning took Mady and Cara to the bus, Came home to then hug my other 6 little morsels," he begins. That's almost all you can see in the basic version but, if you dare click that ellipses-like link, you've got some of Papa G's patented spell-check-defying bitterness in store. He takes on ex-GF Hailey Glassman and then lays into Kate.

Prepare for the sweet to get increasingly salty.

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The Kate-Gosselin-Sets-It-Straight train rolled into Remorseland today.

The reality-TV star whose show has been postponed out from under her admits in her latest interview that she isn't proud of the Jon & Kate Plus 8 moments she spent berating hubby Jon Gosselin or otherwise bossing him around.

"I was very hard on him and I would never deny that," she said tonight on the TLC special Kate: Her Story. "I felt very much like a lot of weight rested on my shoulders."

"I was wrong to treat him that way," she added. "Was it good, healthy and wonderful? No. Am I proud of those moments that were captured? No."

Those moments were the ones that initially had the fans playing for Team Jon in the early days of their breakup—before new Jon reared his ugly (yet now apologetic) head.

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Kate Gosselin may be smarter than we thought.

Just in case that big movie career doesn't pan out, the reality TV maven is making sure she can still provide for her 8.

TLC's top draw claimed on Monday's TV special that she was keeping up her credit hours just in case she had to go back to her original occupation, giving tender loving care as a nurse. She wasn't kidding—her nursing license was renewed with the Pennsylvania Department of State that very day!

See the certificate

Should she decide to scrub in, she'll have until Halloween 2011 before she has to renew it again. She was first issued her nursing license in 1997 after earning a degree in nursing studies from Reading Hospital and Medical Center, where she worked before having all those kids.

—Reporting by Lindsay Miller

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In case you forgot what Kate's hair used to look like, there's always this.

We have to say, single life seems to really suit Kate Gosselin.

She might be lonely, but the 34-year-old future divorcée looked more relaxed than ever as she commandeered the confessional armchair and quipped her way through a special Q&A session on Monday's episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8. (Perhaps knowing that the Jon part is going away soon helped.)

"Really? Seriously? Do you really think now is a good time to be answering that?" she said in response to the question, "Do you ever see yourself married again?"

"I struggle because I really don't want to be married again—can you blame me?—but I don't want to be alone," Kate admits, before wrapping her response with a little joke.

"We shall see. Maybe when I'm 73½."

So she's a bit ambivalent on the remarriage front. What else did we learn from the "You Ask, Kate Answers" special?

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UPDATE: Kate Gosselin's attorney, Mark Momjian, just released the following statement to E! News about today's hearing:

"We are clearly pleased that the monies taken by Mr. Gosselin have been returned to the marital account, and we look forward to recouping additional monies taken by Mr. Gosselin at the time of the parties' private arbitration hearings...Despite his initial comments denying responsibility, we have established that Ms. Gosselin needed emergency relief to prevent her economic claims from being compromised.
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It was the Jon Minus Kate show this morning.

Mr. Gosselin arrived sans his estranged missus in a Pennsylvania court to let the judge know he indeed paid back $180,000 he had improperly withdrawn from the couple's joint account.

Jon sought to turn the tables, telling Judge Arthur Tilson that the MIA Kate needed to account for $33,000 in missing moola.

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No need to feel in the dark. We know we haven't given you a Jon and Kate Gosselin update since Tuesday, but we won't let you go into the weekend without your fix.

E! News has confirmed that the dynamic duo is due in court bright and early Monday morning for another arbitrator's conference in relation to their divorce proceedings.

Despite reports to the contrary, Jon's attorney, Mark Heller, tells E! News that the octodad is in "total compliance with the court's orders" demanding he pay back $180,000 of the $235,000 he supposedly took from the couple's joint bank account.

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DONNA SVENNEVIK/ABC

Jon may be enjoying special Hailey time in NYC, but Kate Gosselin's about to get some special TV time on TLC—and not just because Papa G and the network aren't exactly on the best of terms.

After bonding with Meredith Viera on Today and the ladies of The View, the finely coiffed mama has scored an hourlong special and a chance to bond directly with you.

The final episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8 as we know it is set to air next Monday—the same day they're due in court to continue hashing out their joint bank account drama—but instead of carting the kids to and fro, she'll be answering your pressing "questions about life, the show and moving on," the network announced. They're even calling the gig You Ask, Kate Answers.

Queries can be posted on TLC's main show site.

While there's no word as to the actual weight of the questions that'll make it on air, something tells us they'll be lighter than a certain Jiffy Pop-esque flying saucer.

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Relive the good ole days of Jon & Kate Plus 8 right here.

Visit Fancast to watch full episodes of your favorite shows and get the top TV quotes of the week.

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Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar and their almost 19 kids had better watch out.

The Octomom has eyes for the octodad...and, together, they'd have a whopping 22 offspring to raise.

Nadya Suleman admitted to Radar Online that she's crushing on that total babe Jon Gosselin, and really, who can blame her?

"I kind of have a crush on Jon Gosselin," she said. "I think he's hot!"

Of course, she also admits she feels bad for Kate Gosselin and wishes the media would leave the troubled twosome alone (and focus more on her, perhaps?). And despite her own visions of reality-television stardom, she agrees with Jon that the TLC show has been exploitative of the kids and should be put on the backburner.

Still, Hailey Glassman had better hold on tight—Jon has been known to stray, and this saucy minx has "fate" written all over her.

In other Octonews, Dr. Michael Kamrava, the fertility doc who treated Suleman, has been expelled from the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, according to Sean Tipton, a spokesman for the organization. However, getting kicked out of a professional organization doesn't mean his license has been revoked. Kamrava can continue to practice medicine (and burden California taxpayers with extraneous babies).

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Who do you think is Hollywood's worst parent? Vote now!