Hey, High Mercury Counts Happen…and So Did This Stuff

Sun., Dec. 21, 2008 11:49 AM PST by Joal Ryan

HBO

Do not laugh at Jeremy Piven.

What if you were suffering from a sushi-induced mercury malaise? Wouldn't be so funny, now would it? Why, if you were like Piven, you wouldn't even be able to muster a guffaw on account of your "literally paralytic" condition.

So, no matter how funny David Mamet is, do not laugh at Piven because he bailed on Broadway to "pursue a career as a thermometer."

Unless, that is, you're going to be fair about it, and mock all the other stars who've covered questionable or controversial moves with lame interesting excuses explanations.

Well, all right then. Laugh away:

Michael Jackson's Littlest Foe: The pop star is notoriously allergic to courtrooms and somewhat unsurprisingly arrived several hours late for a court date in 2002. Keeping things interesting, Jackson hobbled in on crutches, and declared his left foot victimized by a spider bite.

Lindsay Lohan's "Overheated" Summer: In 2006, during her troubled Georgia Rule shoot, Lohan was declared "overheated and dehydrated" by her rep, and briefly hospitalized. The film's production company later diagnosed the actress as suffering from "ongoing all-night heavy partying."

Amy Winehouse's Spidey Instincts Tell Her to Investigate—Pronto! In 2007, the "Rehab" singer was snapped enjoying a predawn stroll in jeans and a red bra. Suspicious? Hardly! “She was not on an all-night bender,” her rep told People. "She was asleep [and] heard a noise outside."

Jennifer Lopez's Miracle Recovery: This past September, Lopez bowed out of judging Project Runway's fifth-season finale, citing a "slight injury" to an ankle. Two days later, she ran, biked and swam a triathalon in 2 hours, 23 minutes and 28 seconds.

Tatum O'Neal's Dead Dog Made Her Do It: During a drug bust in June, the one-time Oscar winner reportedly told arresting officers she was "doing research for a part." Later, she told the New York Post she had been undone by the death of her Scottish terrier, Lena. Said O'Neal: "She was the fabric of our family."

Janet Jackson's You-Know-What: In a fairly obscure incident on Super Bowl Sunday 2004, the pop singer briefly flashed her bare right breast to all the Earth, plus parts of Mars. Duet partner Justin Timberlake explained the striptease act was an unintentional act of God. (Actually, he said it was the result of a "wardrobe malfunction," but that's become such a cliché…)

Tyra Banks' On-Second-Thought Makeover: In January, the model turned mogul threw down a challenge to her weight-watching critics via a People cover story headlined, "You Call This Fat?" Five months later, she was in a bikini for Life & Style and promising to reveal "How Tyra Lost 30 Lbs."