We really weren't sure what to expect going into this season of Dancing with the Stars, but after that premiere, we are perhaps more excited than we've ever been. We fell in love tonight, and not just with the incredibly hot deaf professional model. We've also got a major crush on two football players, a meteorologist, a middle Tanner, and a boy II man. It's a complicated love affair, but we're in it for the long haul.
We're also really digging the new features like "Erin Andrews stands back stage and squeals about football" and "cut to the dude yelling at the audience during the commercials." We may sound flippant or sarcastic, but we're serious. We are so here for season 22 of Dancing with the Stars, and we are pumped.
Anyway, while tonight was more about introductions than eliminations, that doesn't mean there weren't winners and losers. For instance, winner: Us. Loser: everyone who forgot to tune in to see Nyle DiMarco's abs chacha their way into their hearts.
It was a great night for all. Or most. Let's go with most (sorry, Mischa).
And now, the best and worst performances of the night:
Doug Flutie and Karina Smirnoff: 15/30
Former football player Doug Flutie may not have objectively been the worst of the night, but unfortunately we did forget about him as soon as he performed. Sorry, Doug.
Geraldo Rivera and Edyta Sliwinska: 13/30
Oof. Geraldo Rivera danced exactly how we thought Geraldo Rivera would dance, but at least this time he found a lovely partner named Edyta in the vault instead of years of disappointment and humiliation!
Mischa Barton and Artem Chigvintsev: 16/30
Oh honey. We seriously hope Marissa Cooper just needs some time to warm up because we don't think we could handle another couple minutes like that.
Marla Maples and Tony Dovolani: 21/30
"His hair is fine," Marla Maples says of ex-husband Donald Trump, just after she said she wanted to show the world who she is aside from Trump's ex and just before she quickstepped to the Moulin Rouge version of "Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend." We don't know what to do with any of this.
Kim Fields and Sasha Farber: 20/30
We spent the past TV season wondering why Kim Fields was on RHOA, but it doesn't look like we'll spend a season wondering that about DWTS. The only reason she's this far down the list is because so many people were just so dang good tonight.
Jodie Sweetin and Keo Motsepe: 20/30
We've had high hopes for Stephanie Tanner ever since she was rumored as a cast member, and she did not disappoint. We did feel like the dress and the dance were a bit too heavy intense for her to start off with, so we can't wait to see what she does with other styles!
Von Miller and Witney Carson: 21/30
We were a little too distracted after learning that Miller studied poultry science in college to truly focus on his dance, but he's certainly got a ton of potential.
Antonio Brown and Sharna Burgess: 21/30
Solid dance, stellar outfits. The judges scored them the same, but Antonio had just a bit of an edge over fellow football player Von thanks to his infectious energy.
Paige VanZant and Mark Ballas: 21/30
We picked the MMA fighter as our frontrunner before we'd seen her take a step, so we were incredibly pleased to find out that she really can dance. She may have gotten a little overshadowed tonight, but we wouldn't be surprised if she goes all the way.
Ginger Zee and Val Chmerkovskiy: 23/30
Our DWTS bracket is screwed, guys, and we don't even care. Ginger Zee is a ray of sunshine and Carrie Ann Inaba's comparisons to Bindi Irwin were right on the money.
Nyle DiMarco and Peta Murgatroyd: 23/30
In the immortal words of George Takei, "Oh myyyyyy." That cha cha actually looked easy for the smoking hot ANTM winner, despite the fact that he couldn't hear a single note of music. It is going to be way too fun to watch him get even better this season.
Wanya Morris and Lindsay Arnold: 23/30
Wanya became our favorite contestant before he even started dancing, and he remained our favorite contestant throughout his time on the dance floor. We're in love with him. We want him to win it all, and we didn't even put him in our top three in our office pool. We're stupid, basically. So, so stupid.
Then again, who knows what could happen this season? Based on the surprises so far, pretty much anything is possible.
Dancing with the Stars airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.