Sew, what's new?
Sorry, couldn't resist because holy hell who needs a little bad humor after that horrific threesome sewing scene we just witnessed, with Hypodermic Sally (Sarah Paulson) sewing her own skin to two people and them ripping herself apart?
Thanks, American Horror Story, for yet another image that shall never be erased from our minds!
And…some GOOD TV.
A lot went down tonight—and Gabourey Sidibe's guest spot was everything--and only one episode remains. So what will happen in the very end? Bite down on that leather strap and let's tear it up with some revelations and theories! (Sorry, had to.)
WHAT WE LEARNED
Queenie Is Still Hilarious! (And Dead) Gabourey Sidibe's guest spot was definitely one of the highlights of the season, as she resurrected her American Horror Story: Coven character, and checked into Hotel Cortez on her way to visit Drew Carey and The Price Is Right. (Small question: If your supreme set up the trip, and it's enchanted, then why are you staying at a s—thole like this?! Might we suggest a better travel agent?) You Coven fans may remember that the season ended with The Surpreme (Sarah Paulson) outing the coven to the world, hence Liz Taylor (Denis O'Hare) recognizing her from her spot on CNN. All of that deliciousness was gold, but then we were treated to the true purpose of Queenie's visit: To serve as a meal for Ramona (Angela Basset) and give her witch's blood, making her possibly more powerful than The Countess. Just A+ storytelling all around, especially in the fight scene where Ramona only hurts herself and then March steps in for the kill.
The Countess Will Be Trapped in Hotel Cortez For All Eternity. Poor Donovan (Matt Bomer) sacrificed himself to save his true love The Countess (that scene where he said goodbye "Mom" socked me right in the feels). The Countess's children also sacrificed themselves to save her. And of course all was for naught because John (Wes Bentley), who is scientifically proven to be THE WORST, opened fire and killed her, leaving the fierceness of Lady Gaga to be trapped at March's (Evan Peters) side for all eternity. At least his accent can give her a few laughs? Think of the ab workout on the daily!
Iris Is Finally Free. She can go anywhere now that Donovan is dead and that rooftop scene proved it. So tragic and yet a beautiful moment.
John and Alexis Are Oddly Perfect Together Now. "Honey, I'm home! I've brought some takeout for me and Scarlet and a helpless human victim for you and Hudson! Meet you at the dinner table!" This might be the most dysfunctional family that has ever existed and yet they seem to be making it work. Good luck, you crazy kids!
WHAT LIES AHEAD
Now that March's 10 Commandment Killings are done, he has no more unfinished business. And by the rules of the Hotel, that means that he is free to move on. Will he? Will The Countess move with him and take her "baby boy" with them?
All I know is that I have never wanted anything more than I have wanted this: For John to finally realize that March orchestrated the abduction of his son from that merry-go-round, and take him out, some way, some how, for good.
Of course, that just may be the mama bear in me. But please universe, Let. This. Happen. On behalf of parents everywhere who haven't touched their phones in public places since watching the premiere.
And the real question: Is there anyone at all who deserves to be victorious in the end?
The answer: Yes. And her name is Liz Taylor and if there's any justice to this story, the final scene will be Liz riding off into the sunset to Colorado to join her son.
Of course, this is American Horror Story, so that's the least plausible scenario…
And if you ever see Sarah Paulson in a sewing class, run.
BEST LINES OF THE NIGHT
"Thank you…Mom." –Donovan
"Dinner is served." – Iris
"That's right. I'm a human voodoo doll, bitch!" – Queenie
"Kill me. But screw me first." – The Countess