ABCDarn you, Joe!
We spent this night in paradise with a seriously bad taste in our mouths, as we have spent the past few episodes of this show.
We already felt bad when the episode started when we remembered that Clare was in the midst of a nervous breakdown, and then slowly got worse and worse over the course of the night.
Just in the past week, Joe went from being that boring southern dude from Kaitlyn's season to being the biggest jerk paradise has ever seen by pretending to set his sights on Juelia just to get a rose, just so he could stay long enough to "meet" Samantha.
We learned from Tanner that Joe and Samantha had been chatting before the season which is starting to be a trend somebody needs to start quashing before any more seasons of this franchise start happening. This pool of people is gettin' real big and real incestuous.
Anyway, after Juelia gave Joe her rose, sending poor Jonathan and Mikey T back home, he pretended to have been all nervous while secretly saying things like, "rose before bros!"
The very next day, Samantha arrived, and it was as if Juelia had never existed. The poor girl was even excited to see her closest friend from Chris' season, until Samantha (whose name we still could not have told you with our lives on the line) immediately asked Joe on a date, and Joe immediately accepted.
Their "date" turned out to be a sexy People magazine photoshoot that was meant to "celebrate hot bodies." It was basically porn with clothes on, or as Joe described it later, "There's a very romantic shower scene where we're like in the shower and stuff."
Joe and Samantha returned to ignore Juelia some more, while their fellow bachelors and bachelorettes called Joe out for being completely rude. He brushed it off, not seeing what could possibly be wrong with deliberately leading a woman on, causing her to send other guys home, and making another guy cry just to stick around long enough to meet a different woman.
Joe continued spent the entire episode either making us uncomfortable with Samantha in the hot tub or telling the cameras that everyone's a bunch of "little bitches."
He also said things like, "I don't know what Jeulia needs. I don't really care," and nearly made us turn off the TV by just generally being very terrible.
He eventually admitted to Juelia that he and Samantha did talk before the show, and that he knew she was joining the show. He then played dumb when she bluntly accused him of playing her, and told her to just pay attention to what a connection he and Samantha have and face the truth.
Joe's entire tune changed when Juelia started saying she was going to talk to Samantha about everything that had happened, and he clearly started squirming like a worm. The episode ended with Juelia and Samantha going off to talk in private, while Joe wandered along the beach, bitching about losing the girl of his dreams to some stupid "drama," and he might have actually cemented his place as our least favorite contestant ever.
Meanwhile, previews from next week reveal that Samantha might have been in on the plotting! Wow do we miss last season!
After the dramatic arrival of Samantha, Megan was the next new lady to come to paradise. First, she got lost in the streets of Mexico, bought a sombrero and asked the sombrero salesman if he knew Chris Harrison. She eventually made it to paradise, gifted Chris Harrison with the sombrero, got distracted by a crab, and asked JJ out after deciding he was a sweet guy who would never hurt her.
Oh Megan, how we have missed you since your days of testing motorcycle helmets.
Elsewhere in paradise, Carly really wanted to have sex with Kirk while Kirk, like, thought he like really wanted to, like, slow the relationship down. He thought that so strongly that he claimed he was having little panic attacks over it, but after Carly called and talked to her brother (whose wedding she was missing to be on the show) for about ten seconds, he, like, changed his mind. Carly was the one for him, and they got a hotel room together to finally seal the deal.
In some sadder news, Dan seemed to break up with Ashley S, which upset us greatly as we have become very attached to Ashley S the more we've gotten to know her. Dan, you're a dummy, and hopefully you come to your senses, because Ashley S is a true treasure. Though if she does end up leaving, we do hope she throws out another "Bye Felicia!" and gives Jorge the bartender a big hug on her way out.
And finally, Clare called a raccoon on the phone while we decided we were kinda done with this animal nonsense, and Ashley I didn't shed a single tear, making us think that perhaps the apocalypse is truly upon us.
Bachelor in Paradise airs Sunday and Monday at 8 p.m. on ABC.