It's been 25 years in the making, and it's finally here: Lifetime's Unauthorized Saved By the Bell movie aired tonight, and we spent two full hours of our Labor Day subjecting ourselves to it.
Was it good? No. Was it bad? That's a harder question to answer, but only because ‘yes' has more letters in it than ‘no,' and typing is hard after all the cookies we've eaten today. We will say, however, that we enjoyed watching it immensely, and that enjoyment was only mostly due to the excellent music (Oh hey, Bell Biv DeVoe).
The Unauthorized Saved By the Bell Story told the scandalous tale of everything that apparently went on behind the scenes over the course of four seasons, from relationships to drinking to drug use. It was, as we already said, quite scandalous, and many a revelation left us crying for the early nineties, when we were young and had no knowledge of things like marijuana and the movie Showgirls.
Anyway, for your enjoyment, here are the moments from The Unauthorized Saved By the Bell Story that made us uncomfortable. Join us in our discomfort!
1. Screech/Dustin interrupting Zach/Mark-Paul's time out. "This is my story." Wow! We're so glad Lifetime heard us sitting on our imaginary couches and never ever going, "Man, I wish I could hear about Saved By the Bell from Screech's point of view!"
2. "Mark-Paul" secretly touching up his own roots in the bathroom, just to really make sure you knew his blond hair wasn't real. We were sort of sold on this movie right at this moment.
3. "Mario" signing a mom's bellybutton. Ew.
4. When the casting directors "got rid" of Jennie Garth in casting the role of Kelly Kapowski. Ooooh burn!
5. "Mario" sneaking girls onto the set to do scandalous things with them. We choose to believe things like this never happened. The Saved By the Bell set was a pure, heaven-like place where nothing sordid ever occurred!
6. "Dustin" imagining himself as a blond with bad CGI abs. If you watched the movie, sorry for reminding you of this image. If you didn't watch it, sorry for the image that will haunt your nightmares for days to come.
7. "Dustin" taking a swig from a flask in his karate uniform, as you do.
8. That time "Dustin" said "I got wasted and I got laid." No Screech, no!
9. "Mark-Paul" sitting dirt-faced on a motorcycle. Real talk – this didn't ruin anything. This was just hilarious.
10. "Mario" in a green leotard. This, on the other hand, ruined a lot of things. (Almost no one can pull off a green, ruffly, full-body leotard, fake Mario Lopez included.)
11. Screech calling a time out at fake graduation to tell us (a slightly outdated version) of what everyone's been up to since the show ended. Bet you wish you hadn't wasted all that time reading (or writing) "Saved By the Bell: Where Are They Now?" posts!
Now, check out our Saved By The Bell: Where Are They Now? gallery and head to the comments to let us know what you thought of the movie!