Line up, ya nerds. Who wants a shot at the champ?!
The draft order has been set. The draft date has been picked. Your team name is a clever pun on a player's name (like "Making it Wayne" or "Somewhere Over Dwayne Bowe") and your team photo has been cropped and uploaded. You are ready for Fantasy Football season!
2. Frantic Research/Planning
You will be prepared this year! You devote at least two hours a day to research. You find the sleepers. You pour over stats, injury reports and preseason game footage. Your brain will be stuffed full of all the facts and figures you need to get that top draft grade. You also put together your battle plan, which is basically everyone's battle plan: top running back first. Or maybe you'll go real crazy and draft a defense first round.*
*Don't do this. Seattle's defense is good, but don't be an idiot.
After all that extreme planning and research, you feel ready. Your former college roommate and that dude who lives with your cousin is not ready for what's coming at them. And you are on top of the world as the countdown to the live draft begins in 3...2...
Everyone is talking both smack and crap as the first round gets underway. Whoever is on the clock first gets the worst of it because no matter who they pick, they'll be mocked regardless. "Are you sure you want LeSean McCoy and not Adrian Peterson? Bold choice!"
5. Excitement: Part Two
The first two rounds of the draft are the best, because people come out of the gate quickly and with confidence. People usually have their first two picks figured out before the draft, so the trash talking and quick-picking makes you feel alive.
6. Reality Check
And suddenly you remember that after two rapid fire rounds, things slow down immensely. Now people have to think about who they are picking based on who gets snatched up.
By round four, people are taking their sweet time and boredom sets in. You can only spend so much time double checking bye weeks, setting up your queue and insulting everyone else's picks.
Dear God. Why aren't more people ready with their picks?! No one should be taking the full two or three minutes to pick each and every round. That s--t adds up!
"Crap. It's almost my turn. That snuck up really fast. Is Rob Gronkowski still available? I can't remember. Wait, I shouldn't get a tight end yet. Or should I? Holy hell, the last two people just picked super-fast. I'm not ready! Running back or wide out?! RUNNING BACK OR WIDE OUT?!"
10. Giving Up
All the good players are taken and all your favorite players are gone, too. Now you are just relying on whatever Yahoo! says to pick next, also known as Kind of Giving Up and Picking at Random. Can't decide which wide receiver to pick for your bench? Sometimes we just pick the player who is on the team we hate least.
11. Boredom: Part Two
Final two rounds, which means defense and kickers. Nothing too exciting to see here.
12. Trash Talk
Draft is over! Time to brag about your sleeper picks and basically how good your team is going to be. You don't even know what's coming, Aunt Sylvia!
13. Crushing Humiliation
If you're fantasy football draft ranking is a C- or lower and/or you are projected to finish last, you immediately shut down your devices and crawl under the covers. No one can mock you when you are under blankets. Everyone knows that.
14. Total Dominance
But if you got that A grade and you are projected to blow through the season and land at first place, you're probably telling everyone who will listen through Twitter, Facebook, text, MySpace, LinkedIn, gchat, Snapchat, Instagram, Friendster, door-to-door, smoke signal...
Happy drafting, y'all! Good luck and may the football gods smile down on you while you fight for Jamaal Charles.