Jason Merritt/Getty Images
Jason Merritt/Getty Images
In his bid to win his estranged wife, Paula Patton, back, Robin Thicke is making us all real f--king uncomfortable. His new album, subtly titled Paula, is basically just an extended thesis statement explaining why she should take him back.
Paula (the album, not the person) is full of cringe-worthy lyrics set to, for some reason, old-school swing music (maybe Paula likes doo wop? Does anyone else in 2014?) Anyway, here are all the lyrics you'll wish you never read:
"You're My Fantasy"
1. "Touch me you're my fantasy / My body's yours, my heart is yours / Touch me you're my fantasy / My night is yours, my love is yours."
2. "Please, please, please, please, please, please, please."
3. "I will always daydream wishing that you were mine / I understand right now you need some space and time / I can smell your perfume / Your legs are on my walls / Your body's on my ceiling / Your giggle down the hall."
We followed this up to the body on the ceiling part. Is this like, a supernatural possession?
4. "Let it go, lights down low, you're my fantasy/ Here we go, the angels know you are my fantasy."
5. "Come back to me / Come home to me babe / Come on back to me / Pretty please darling."
"Get Her Back"
6. "(All I wanna do) Is give you that thing / Play that song you and your girlfriend sing."
No one should have to get that thing.
"Still Madly Crazy"
7. "See the birds fly, see the blue sky, see the best times of my life / Watch me crawl, watch me beg, watch me fall deep cause I- / I just can't stop, I just can't stop thinking about those days."
8. "Every night you'd close your eyes / On my chest like it's home / And you'd say until that happened you just can't fall asleep / Without you laying your head on me."
9. "But I was in chains in the rain, lost my soul, now you know / I'm so sorry you had to suffer my lack of self-control / You think by now I might have grown."
"Lock the Door"
10. "One, two, look at you / Three, four, she locked the door / I keep knocking and knocking and knocking and knocking."
The lyric should be: I keep stalking and stalking and stalking and stalking.
11. "She locked the door (I kept trying to tell you you were pushing me too far) / She locked the door (I kept trying to warn you you were slowly breaking my heart) / She locked the door (I kept giving you all I had but you took way too much) / She locked, locked, locked, locked, locked, locked that door (And I don't know what this is but I know this ain't love)."
12. "One morning the tears started rolling down her empty face / That sparkle in her eye had been abruptly replaced / When I touched her she said wait, when I kissed her she pulled away / And I knew it was over, cause she had nothing left to say."
This seems like grounds for a restraining order, in our legal opinion. No means no.
13. "Don't leave me out here in the cold / Ooh turn the porch light on / At least open the doggy-door / Throw a friend a juicy bone."
"Whatever I Want"
14. "(I can do whatever I want) Ooh baby / (I can do whatever I want) Finally / (I can do whatever I want) Freedom / (Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me) All over."
Probably not helping your cause here.
15. "(Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me) I kiss you all over your body baby / (Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me) I want to kiss you all over, over, over / (Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me) Your body, body, body, body, body baby."
"Living in New York City"
16. "I thought I was livin' (YEAH!) / ‘Till I woke up to a siren / I thought I was over (YEAH!) / ‘Till I met those New York soldiers / They keep on working (keep on working) / They keep on fighting (keep on fighting) / America (America) / It's time to wake up (Time to wake up)."
Wait, is this about 9-11? We're completely serious, is this a verse about September 11?
"Love Can Grown Back"
17. "You're way too young to dance like that in front of a man like me baby / Oh yes you are / You know cigarettes are bad for you baby / But so am I."
18. "So go out and get ‘em done / When you come back we'll have so much fun / With your new nails on my back / You be scratching and scratching my itch."
19. "With your new new new new new new new nails / Sweet cherry pineapple black / Shine your magical touch and heavenly light on my body baby / Show me our love can grow back."
What does "sweet cherry pineapple black" even mean?
20. "I like the way you light all the candles and dance in front of the TV extra slow / Giving me those eyes over your shoulder baby / Like the sun and the rain you make everything around you grow."
IS THIS ABOUT A BONER?
21. "With your new new new new new new new nails / Passion fruit three inches stacked / Shine your rainbow of hope and hot pot of gold on my body baby / Show me our love can grown back."
"Black Tar Cloud"
22. "You're yelling and screaming and smacking me / How could you do this you spoiled little rich kid (truth) / A rock in the TV / You bashin' my ride up, you smashed my guitar (Tell ‘em the truth) / Chasing me around the house swinging / Trying to hit me with my favorite golf club (truth)."
23. "You were lying in bed (truth) / Said you took twenty pills (truth) / Now I'm calling the ambulance, police, I'm freakin' out till you said / Chill baby, I didn't really take them pills / I'm just desperately crying for help."
Is he claiming that Paula Patton faked a suicide attempt?! WHAT THE F--K IS HAPPENING??!
24. "I was licking your wounds / I thought we were straight (truth) / I thought everyone was gonna eat the chips / Turns out I'm the only one who double dipped (truth)."
25. "One heart was more than enough / One body wanted too much (truth) / One kiss it wanted to stay / One hand always misbehaved."
"Too Little Too Late"
26. "Every time you walked through that door / Should've bought white roses good and plenty and rubbed your toes."
27. "Every time you walk through that door / Should've waited patient, thanked you, spanked you, pleased you, feed you."
We hate this album.
28. "(You been such a bad baby, bad baby) Aww yeah / (You been such a bad baby, bad baby) I've been so bad."
29. "She's a princess but not from kings and queens / Pink lips on my fingers, ears, and ankles / I'm a fiend."
Ankles though, bruh?
30. "I try to be deep before I do bad things / But it feels so good right now how wrong could this be / I know you wanna fly so baby open up your wings / Then I'll walk out with your legs shaking while you're screaming, ‘Robin please!'"
Ugh, Robin. Please.
"The Opposite of Me"
31. "If she ever knew that I would never be the man I promised I would be / If she ever knew that I was gonna be runnin' around she would've never stayed."
IF YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO BE THE MAN SHE DESERVES, WHY ARE YOU EVEN MAKING THIS ALBUM IN THE FIRST PLACE? WHY ARE YOU WASTING HER TIME? WHY ARE YOU WASTING ALL OF OUR TIME?
"Time of Your Life"
32. "This is the moment of your life / Everything's changed it all gonna turn out right / We don't know how this little fairy tale ends / Good thing we will always be best friends."
You sure about that? Because you kind of seem like an a--hole. (See: all previous lyrics.)
33. "Forever love / Oh forever love / Forever mine, forever yours / Forever love / Forever love / Oh it's forever love / Forever mine, forever yours / Forever love, forever love."
Oh, shut up. Leave that poor girl alone.