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    Tori Spelling Cries After Dean McDermott's Affair: "I Didn't Plan on Raising Four Kids Alone"

    Dean McDermott, Stella McDermott, Liam McDermott, Tori Spelling, Finn McDermott, Hattie McDermott Rodrigo Vaz/FilmMagic/This photo of minors was taken at a public event.

    Tuesday's True Tori premiere was fraught with heartbreak.

    The Lifetime docu-series showed an emotional Tori Spelling struggling to come to terms with the fact that her husband, Dean McDermott, cheated on her with Emily Goodhand in December 2013.

    In January, McDermott "voluntarily" checked into rehab to seek treatment for sex addiction. His wife—left alone to care for their four children—visited him for the first time at the facility with cameras in tow. "I miss having my best friend," the Mystery Girls actress tearfully admitted during her drive. "I miss having that support, that person that's your go-to in life. And now it's just stripped from me. I had it for seven years and it was just gone one day. And I go on. I go on every single day as best I can."

    At the meeting, McDermott's therapist said he was dealing with addiction, depression and "the fallout from his affair." Spelling acknowledged that some of the issues were years-old. "I s--t on our life," McDermott said, noting that he's dealing with alcoholism and other issues after "lying his whole life."

    PHOTOS: Celebrities who've been to rehab

    "I'm tired of living like a liar," McDermott confessed. "I have hurt you so bad. That's why I'm dealing with my alcoholism and my addiction and depression and mental health. Everything that is so important to me is on the line right now. If I don't change who I am from the inside out, we're not going to make it. I'm not going to make it." Later, the Chopped Canada host admitted to Spelling, "I cheated on you. I cheated on you and I lied to you. There's one thing that I want to say, genuinely, that I'm sorry. I don't want to lose you." The Beverly Hills, 90210 actress didn't accept his apology, however, saying she's been "let down over and over again."

    During their therapy session, McDermott suggested that Spelling should hit him in the face. "I don't want to slap you," she told him. "What if I wanted you to slap me in the face?" McDermott asked.

    NEWS: Tori Spelling says Dean McDermott "broke" her heart

    The therapist also asked McDermott to elaborate on his nickname, Deano. "I wanted to be known as the tough guy, the intimidating bully," the twice-married actor said, adding that Spelling thought the moniker made him sound like a "douchebag." In hindsight, he admitted, "I was that guy. I was Deano."

    McDermott, 47, asked to come home early, saying he missed his family "like crazy." To his dismay, his wife wasn't on board. "I don't think I'm comfortable with that yet," Spelling, 40, told him. "Once I make that decision I can't go back. That's the only thing I have holding over you—is that you're not home."

    If McDermott returned home before she was ready, it might make things worse. "I'm the type of person who would just sweep this under the rug," she said, crying. "I just feel like I need to be heard before we embark on that." McDermott tried to console his wife with a hug, but she rebuffed him.

    NEWS: Tori Spelling isn't sure if her marriage will "have a happy ending"

    Raising Liam, 7, Stella, 5, Hattie, 2, and Finn, 20 months, is a lot to handle, especially when one parent is absent. "I [want] their lives to stay as normal as possible," Spelling said while making her kids' lunches. "I don't do a great job [alone]. But at least they're fed and alive every day!" Spelling also revealed that the last time she got her children to school on time was before McDermott's affair in Toronto. "I think about how everything's really bad in my life," she admitted.

    Later in the episode, Spelling addressed a tabloid report that claimed she was "wasting away" due to stress. "This is a picture from five years ago," she said. "I was never under 100 lbs. It's when I was sick."

    Speaking to a friend, Spelling tearfully admitted, "Realistically, I didn't plan on raising four kids alone. It scares me so much I'm like, 'What am I going to do? No matter what, just take him back?'" Later, she wondered if her marital issues were karmic. "I don't know what I did to deserve all this," she said. "I'm so scared that we won't grow old together. That's my biggest fear. When I say I haven't processed this yet I'm telling the truth. I have to deal with this. And deal with Dean. And deal with what's happened."

    PHOTOS: What became of these Beverly Hills, 90210 stars?

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