Come with us to an alternate universe where 30 Rock's Liz Lemon (Tina Fey) and Parks and Recreation's Leslie Knope (Amy Poehler) are real people. And in this alternate universe, Liz has been asked to host the 2014 Golden Globes with a perky government worker from Pawnee, Ind. Don't ask us how it happened, just go with it. What, you need a backstory? Fine.
The HFPA wanted to make the Golden Globes more accessible to middle America, so they hired Liz, the gifted TV writer from New York, and she picked Leslie out of a list of applicants from the Midwest. Leslie's audition video was mostly her high on NutriYum Bars while she came up with an acronym for "Golden Globes." There. A back story.
Anyway, here is how we think the big night would go down with Leslie and Liz hosting:
First, they have to get ready! Liz persues her collection of Spanx and tries not to have a panic attack while getting her makeup done. Leslie springs for a proffesional hair stylist and is talked out of wearing her "best pantsuit."
Before starting the show, Liz and Leslie would engage in their own pre-hosting routine. Leslie would listen to Sarah McLachlan to pump herself up. Liz would be rehearsing a musical number that may or not make the show titled "There Is No 'Me' In Golden Globes, But There Is a 'Lobes.'"
The opening monologue would basically be Liz trying to set Leslie up for some jokes, but Leslie is momentarily starstruck by all the celebrities. Bradley Cooper is no Joe Biden, but she's still giggling a little too much. It might be the NutriYum Bars she hasn't stopped eating, even though her best friend Ann is backstage trying to hide all the sugar.
Eventually, Leslie focuses on the teleprompter, and being the smart and focused woman she is, she nails the opening monologue. Liz is impressed and very excited to work with a blonde woman who doesn't have an inflated sense of self, aka Jenna Maroney.
During commercial breaks, Leslie works the room, but only because her husband Ben said he would be very disappointed if she came back without mentioning his Batman suit to Christian Bale. Bale nods and smiles politely as Leslie goes on and on about her husband, who's a grown man, and his superhero costume. Standup guy, that Christian Bale.
Liz spends her commercial breaks perfecting the jokes and getting a barrage of texts from Jack. Most of them are reminding her to stay away from any powdered snacks from the craft table, as she is wearing a black dress. Liz doesn't listen and has to change before announcing the Best Drama Series category.
Leonardo DiCaprio wins Best Performance in a Comedy, and Leslie whispers to Liz that she's going to make a Titanic joke when he gets to the stage. Liz begs her not to. Too late. Leslie has made a crack about Leo "never letting go" of his Golden Globe award.
Leslie uses the closing number to talk about supporting your parks and local government. Liz is just waiting for all this to be over so she can get back to her hotel room where she will throw on her sweatpants and order some damn mozzarella sticks.
Liz drags Leslie to the NBC afterparty (because of course she has to make an appearance), and the two new friends unwind with shots of Snake Juice, courtesy of Tom Haverford, who somehow managed to sneak into the party. He's trying to pitch a new animated series to Idris Elba that stars the two of them called Tommy and El-bows. Do you want to join that project, Idris?
Liz and Leslie get so drunk that they photobomb every celeb in sight.
They get kicked out of the NBC party and are banned from the rest of them, so they end their Golden Globes night at a nearby Norms for some waffles and mac and cheese.
And they were the best Golden Globe hosts ever. The End! But seriously, Amy and Tina are hosting the Golden Globes this Sunday and it's going to be amazing.