Birthdays are a pretty big deal for everyone. It's probably a little bit bigger of a deal if you're the most globally anticipated baby in eons and your parents are the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. But just a little bit bigger of a deal.
Which is why people need to step their gift giving game up for His Royal Highness Prince George of Cambridge. You cannot give the child of Kate Middleton and Prince William a onesie that says "iPood" or "My Dad Can Kick Your Dad's Butt."
(Well you could. And it'd probably be adorable. But don't.)
As the swag continues rolling in, we decided to brainstorm a few ideas for presents the royal baby probably did not receive but definitely should have. You know, just in case you need to pick something out last minute.
Note: With globe-trotting parents like Will and Kate, gifts will arrive from all around the world. So we went international with our brainstorm and have an idea for a gift no matter what content the buyer lives on!
1. A Voucher for a Free Safari: At this stage of development, George will probably prefer his animals stuffed. We mean plushes, not taxidermy. But who knows?! Maybe that baby wants the real-deal big game, in which case an African tour is perfect for him to try to take on a lion or a tiger or a zebra, oh my! And if not now, at least before the coupon expires* (*voucher cannot be redeemed for equal cash value).
2. A Penguin: If you're from Antarctica, you should commandeer a penguin and ship it off to merry old London Town. Who needs a dog when the Prince of Cambridge could have a friggin' penguin as man's best friend? (Sorry, Lupo!) Prince William could turn the castle basement into an ice rink à la Mr. Popper's Penguins! Plus, what else would a baby want from Antarctica? No offense.
3. Judo Lessons: There are plenty of different martial arts in Asia, all of which could be cool to teach to Prince George (and could come in handy later when he needs to kick ass and take names, as babies are wont to do). We picked Judo, the national martial art of Japan, by chance. Any type from China, India, Korea, etc., could work equally well. Definitely sumo wrestling if he's fat.
4. A Lifetime Supply of Vegemite: Mushy peas and watered down corn? This is the royal baby, people. Don't embarrass yourself. Bring on the caviar and escargot and, Australians, star shipping that Vegemite by the boatloads! It's like England's Marmite, but the baby will seem more exotic with this down under twist on his daily crumpets.
5. Miniature Monuments: The good people of France gave us, the U.S., the Statue of Liberty just for, what? Being independent? The royal baby will change the world. But babies need smaller monuments (because they're small too), so a mini Eiffel Tower from France would work (it'll be so romantic! See also, gift no. 6) and a playpen-style Coliseum from Italy. Whatever your biggest monument, European countries, shrink that and send it to the palace.
6. A Celeb Baby's Hand in Marriage: Canada and Mexico and the rest of the United States have plenty to offer from North America, sure, but we're writing this from Hollywood. It would be a shame to pass up the opportunity to join the royalty of our two counties into one super marriage, officially linking Hollywood and the crown forever: Blue Ivy, let us introduce you to your future husband.
7. A Carnival Headdress: Listen up, South America! With Prince Harry as an uncle, we think it's safe to assume we'll have quite the party animal on our hands. So what bigger party is there than Carnival? Sorry, Vegas, but slap a headpiece on the tot and point Uncle Harry towards the half-naked dancing ladies and this trip to Brazil just became their Best. Dudes. Trip. Ever.
And remember, if the gift is a bit pricey, you can always go halfsies with a friend!