Sean Penn, Brody Jenner

Jason Merritt/Getty Images; Michael Caulfield/WireImage

Dear Ted:
Why does Brody Jenner keep getting into fights at bars? This time it was with GF Avril Lavigne, and last time it was with that Playboy chick. I really don't support violence in any way, but it seems a little fishy that he would get into multiple "unprovoked" fights like his rep says.

Dear Another Day, Another Brody Jenner Bar Fight:
Look, all I know is Brody's a pretty nice guy who sometimes hangs out with dudes (and gals) who aren't. Maybe he doesn't always have the best radar, but his intentions are usually cool. And Avril is actually quite a change from Adam's Playmate past, but yeah, pretty ironic both women ended up with same fisticuffs situation. If the cameras were only around, Brody would still have his reality show!

Dear Ted:
What has Lucretia Johnson been up to lately? Is she still with her loser man?

RELATED: Brody Jenner and Avril Lavigne Reportedly Get Into Bloody Bar Scuffle

Dear All About Inner Peace:
Yeah, but whatever, she's happy these days. And after all the pitying I've had to do for this par-tick chick, if she's got something good going on in her life, then who cares if her BF will do anything possible to never get serious? Well, like marriage serious.

Dear Ted:
I feel that eccentric and talented James Franco is connected to Barrington Bang-Me and Nevis Divine. If not, please give me a clue to his moniker. Also, I will donate $25 to the Humane Society (in your nom de plume) if Lindsay Lohan doesn't claim to be bipolar by Easter 2012. I just hope for her sake, she can get her career back on track like Robert Downey Jr.
—Love from Hell's Kitchen

Dear Let's Be Franc:
I'm not surprised you'd think James would be part of the Divine Bang-Me coupling, which is why he so obviously is not. Sure, he might be into all sorts of weirdo art, but James is an actor first and he plays his part well. You'll have to think harder on his Vice. As for LiLo? Too risky a bet, sorry, babe.

Dear Ted:
Robert Pattinson
seems pretty close to his family, and his parents always seem to be at all of his public appearances. Do they know about his B.V.? And if not, would they be surprised to know?

Dear Smile for the Cameras:
Depends which part of the B.V. you're talking about, doll. But either way, they're pretty in the know. The Pattinsons are a pretty tight-knit crew. Like the Stewarts!

Dear Ted:
Sam and Dean are going to have to salt 'n' burn my bones 'cause I've died from the suspense of not being able to determine the identity of Judas Jack-Off and Dashed Dingle-Dream. Help a lady out?

Dear You Think You're So Clever:
I'm not going to fall into your Super-freak trap that easily, chica. Be a little more clever and I'll give you a JJO-DDD break.

Dear Ted:
Settle a bet: Have Secretia Ohio and Chester Shorts-Off split up?

Dear Swing and a Miss:
They're definitely not getting as hot and heavy as they once were. Like at all...It's très icy. Brrr!

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