So, Lindsay Lohan, your probation was just revoked, a bench warrant was issued for your arrest, jail time may be in your future and a judge (and pretty much everyone else) thinks you've cried wolf so many times that your stolen-passport excuse was more or less laughed out of court. What are you going to do next?
Hint: The place you're headed is far from the happiest on Earth. Better soak up those last few French Riviera rays while you can, kid.
Here's what to expect next on the rollercoaster ride that is LiLo's life:
First thing's first. She's on the RSVP list for tonight's Artists for Haiti party in Cannes, where she had been expected to mingle with the likes of Russell Crowe, Naomi Watts, Gerard Butler and Paris Hilton.
But with the judge's order, it's not known if that will be her last hurrah on the Croisette or if she'll try to head home ASAP. Lohan has finally secured a temporary passport; according to Lohan attorney Shawn Chapman Holley, the erstwhile teenage drama queen could return as early as tomorrow, volcano permitting.
Once back, any number of scenarios could play out (OK, probably just two). The first: with a bench warrant out for her arrest, she could be flagged coming through customs (all eyes are on you, TSA!) where she would be detained and/or arrested upon landing.
"If Los Angeles County says, 'Yes, the warrant is active, and yes, we would like to extradite,' then we would turn over a subject to the local police department who would coordinate with the agency that issued the warrant," Customs and Border Protection spokesman John Saleh told E! News.
"We always cooperate with our law enforcement partners. If this is someone they would like to speak to or extradite, we are always willing to cooperate with them within the limits of the law."
Los Angeles Sheriff's Department spokesman Steve Whitmore admitted today that this scenario is "potentially a possibility." Even Holley agreed that it could go down that way.
The second scenario: Uh, it won't go down that way.
"Let's remember, at the heart of this, it's a misdemeanor case," said criminal defense attorney Alec Rose, who is not involved in the Lohan case. "The police do not usually comb the streets looking for misdemeanor people. And if she's flying back to Los Angeles, that's a sign she's coming to deal with her problems."
In other words, Lohan's biggest headache at the airport could be making it past the paparazzi.
"I don't think anyone will hassle her at the airport from law enforcement. They may not even detain her because it's a misdemeanor warrant," Rose continued. "They will probably just give her notice that the warrant has been issued. And I would be shocked if she's arrested over the weekend. Most likely, if she comes back, they're going to give her the chance to show up [in court]."
Most likely, Rose added, Lohan will be allowed to turn herself in either to the courts on Monday or when Holley makes an appointment for the troublemaker to appear. The timing of that scenario will likely depend on when, exactly, she makes it back to L.A.
If she arrives over the weekend, courts obviously aren't in session, so she would be looking at face time with the judge, at the earliest, on Monday. If she makes it back tomorrow, she could be in court then (though that's highly unlikely).
Either way, once Lindsay makes it down to the courthouse, she will ostensibly pony up her $100,000 bail, right? Or else go to jail?
Not necessarily. According to Rose, LiLo may end up never actually having to pay the six figures.
"The warrant is for failing to appear," he explained. "Once you show up, you've appeared. What normally happens is, once you appear in court, the bench warrant is over because now you've appeared. She'll likely never have to post the $100,000."
Whether she shells out or not, once Lindsay appears in court, a judge—though if it's after tomorrow, not Revel, since she's going on vacation next week—will set the formal terms of her bail.
Revel gave a detailed rundown in court today of what those terms may be in order to help guide whichever judge draws the short straw ends up inheriting the case.
While nothing is official until the judge rules it so, Lindsay is looking at random drug testing at a minimum of once a week, a complete ban on drinking any alcohol whatsoever and total compliance with the terms of her probation. As for the district attorney's ballsy demand for some good-faith evidence that Lohan indeed had the intention of making it to court on time—in other words, she'd better materialize a plane ticket with a date earlier than today—that all depends on one person.
"It's going to depend whether the judge really wants to pursue the issue of willfulness or not," Rose said. "And there are many layers involved. What if Lindsay didn't have a plane ticket? What if she tried to buy one at the airport and she couldn't get on the plane? There are plenty of ways it could have gone down. People lose their passport on vacation all the time."
During the hearing, she'll also get the chance to rail against the terms of her bail, namely the fitting of a SCRAM (Secure Continuous Remote Alcohol Monitor) device and the random drug testing.
"They will hear her arguments about that," Rose said. "Maybe when she shows up, the judge may not do all those things. No one's heard Lindsay's side of this yet. There's always a chance her side is reasonable."
An increasingly unlikely chance, but a chance nonetheless.
A formal hearing date will also need to be set to make up for today's missed appointment. When that finally goes down, Judge Revel will determine whether or not, independent of her recent absenteeism, Lindsay was in violation of her probation. Revel said in court today that she suspects LiLo has in fact violated the terms, specifically the one which stated that she needed to attend one alcohol-education course every seven days without exception.
Should that prove to be the case, the district attorney's office has already come out guns blazing, saying they will seek the maximum sentence for Lindsay—a whopping 180 days behind bars.
"The judge could give her jail time," Rose said. "But I can tell you that is normally not what occurs in a case like this."
Of course, this kind of case isn't exactly what you'd call normal. When it comes to Lindsay, it's best not to rule anything out.
—Additional reporting by Claudia Rosenbaum
Lindsay's not the only one making a splash at Cannes. Check out our complete coverage of the French film fest.