Courtesy: Chris Polk / Getty Images
Wonder why Lindsay Lohan still hasn't gone to jail yet? Simple! This girl has one wild book of excuses.
While Lindsay is on a mission to prove that she did not set off her SCRAM bracelet this past Sunday night, we figured we'd give the girl a break and help her brainstorm how get out of this one. And based on her past history, her explanation is bound to be a doozy.
But remember from How to Trick the Court 101, it's important not to reuse your old excuses.
So let us remind you of your five all-time lamest ones:
1. The black guy did it!
Grand theft auto? Kidnapping? Not if Linds has anything to say about it! Back in 2007, La Lohan spent a night partying with her then assistant and a couple of the assistant's pals—including one lucky dude named Dante—when L.L.'s assistant quit. Oh no you don't...
According to the lawsuit, this allegedly resulted in a high speed chase (in Dante's Denali) down the PCH, with Linds in the driver's seat supposedly yelling "I can't get in trouble. I'm a celebrity. I can do whatever the f--k I want!"
The cops didn't feel the same way so LiLo (unsuccessfully) tried to pin the whole ordeal on her reported helpless passenger, Dante.
2. Those aren't my pants!
After L.L. tried to claim "the black kid" was driving, cops found cocaine in her jeans pocket. But hey, not her pants, no problem right? "I am wearing a pair of borrowed jeans from a friend/assistant," Lindsay wrote in her statement after being booked. "She wore a pair of my jeans." Of course! Cocaine is something Lindsay frowns upon.
3. My passport was stolen!
Linds has some serious F.O.M.O (fear of missing out) because not even a judge could get in the way of the bloated brunette and her Cannes parties, sorry, promotion. After being ordered to appear in court, Lindsay still went yacht hopping in France, missing her flight back to the states. But it wasn't her fault!
"My passport's been stolen. It's clearly an inside person who works with my father that has been sent to set me up. He's been threatening me."
4. That's a set up!
"I wasn't looking around the room, I thought I was just taking a picture with a fan."
While on her tour-de-force party spree in Cannes, a photo surfaced of L.L. and her signature pout posing next to what appeared to be a platter of cocaine. But hold the judgment! Lindsay the martyr was just obliging some fans who asked if they could take a pic with the hard-working actress (in their hotel room). She agreed, made herself comfy, and happened to overlook the suspicious white substance a foot in front of her.
5. It's the paparazzi's fault!
No way was it alcohol that gave L.L. her first DUI: "My car accident that I got into, where I got my first charge, I wouldn't have been speeding up like I was if I didn't have people shoving cameras in my windows. I was running away from the paparazzi."
If that wasn't rude enough, the paps were also to blame for her first arrest warrant last year when she missed an alcohol class, and then the shutterbugs used their secret telepathic powers to push L.L. into a cactus after a night of partying out in Hollywood.
We miss Lindsay's more creative excuses, but blaming the cameras (they can be invasive, but really?) is the Lohan go-to. Since paparazzi aren't allowed in clubs, what will her reason be for setting off her SCRAM bracelet this past Sunday?
Just in case your mind is a little, uh, clouded, here are some we came up with for you:
"But it wasn't my SCRAM bracelet, I switched ankles with my friend!"
"It was an inside job! My dad snuck into Las Palmas and poured a drink down my Louboutin boot."
"I ordered a virgin whiskey straight! The bartender must have messed up!"
"Wait! It's not considered alcohol if it's less than 50 proof, right?"