So much happened in the last seven days, we won't waste your time dilly-dallying with prosaic jib-jab.
Instead, dig right in!
RENOUNCED BACHELOR: We begrudge a few people no one a fairytale ending, but the caution flags are already flying around newly engaged Jake Pavelka and Vienna Giraldi, the girl he put a ring on despite his parents', Tenley's and America's misgivings. Incoming Bachelorette Ali was already looking like some sort of romance genius for cutting and running pre-finale, but now there's some gal out in Florida claiming that Jake's been texting up a storm (haven't these guys learned?) with her since popping the question. Jake has denied being a bad boy and, for princess-cut-diamond's sake, we hope he's telling the truth. And that he's not going on Dancing With the Stars because he'd rather do anything than think about getting married.
STAR SEARCH: Fascinating how DWTS works: People whose celebrity status we probably wouldn't have questioned get cast on the ABC show, prompting everyone to ask, "Where'd they get those guys from?!," thereby turning the famous people into bottomfeeders, after which a handful (see: Lopez, Mario; Burke, Brooke; Marini, Gilles) rise to a level they never would have ascended to otherwise. The show should be called Who Wants to Become More Famous for a Random Reason? This season's specimens include Kate Gosselin, the mother of eight everyone loves to hate; Bachelor Jake, who everyone's just looking for a reason to hate; Pamela Anderson, everyone's hope for a wardrobe malfunction; Evan Lysacek, because everyone loves a Team USA-approved hero; and Buzz Aldrin, because Neil Armstrong would rather be golfing. Kym Johnson will not be defending her title.
PARTY-SAN POLITICS: If you were in Hollywood this week, chances are you were thisclose to running into Sarah Palin. Turning her time in L.A. into one big audition for the presidency, she was telling jokes on The Tonight Show, taking her kids to American Idol, scooping up oodles of swag at Oscar gifting suites (which, we hear,has all been earmarked for charity) and taking meetings with network execs to peddle her idea for a show about Alaska called Too Much Northern Exposure.
CURVATURE: If you prick Jessica Simpson, does she not bleed? The scandalized chanteuse opened up to Oprah about what it feels like to have John Mayer telling the world what you're like in bed (don't worry, Jess, there are support groups for that) and to hear the world call you fat when you're still hotter than most people.
IN MOURNING: Our thoughts and prayers go out to Marie Osmond (and family), whose son, Michael Bryan, committed suicide last weekend. Michael had struggled with depression and spent time in rehab for substance abuse issues. His funeral is scheduled for Monday, to be proceeded by a private viewing, and immediately succeeded by his mom's return to the Vegas stage. We shall give the veteran performer the benefit of the doubt and assume getting back to work super quickly is essential to her healing process...Andrew Koenig's family is planning a private memorial in California...Brittany Murphy's widower is selling the house they shared and moving back to New York, after he goes to the Oscars...Ax Men star Jesse Browning's 4-year-old daughter was killed by the family's Rottweiler.
THE MANY GUISES OF ROBERT PATTINSON: Waxy Pattz...Ersatz Pattz...Evasive Pattz...Supported Pattz...Navigator Pattz...Smoochy Pattz.
LOVERS FOREVER?: Jason Mesnick tied the knot with second first choice Molly Malaney...Jared Padalecki swapped vows with Genevieve Cortese...Simon Cowell is flirting with being engaged.
RAY OF LIGHT: Kidnapping victim Jaycee Dugard happily appears to be adjusting to real life after spending 18 years trapped in a nightmare.
IDOLATRY: So, what do you think of the top 16 American Idol contestants? We like Crystal Bowersox, Lee Dewyze, Michael Lynche and Lilly Scott all the time; Aaron Kelly, Siobhan Magnus, Casey James and Didi Benami some of the time...and the rest can go back to whatever it was they were doing. And, is it just us, or does Randy Jackson actually have coherent opinions this year?
SWEET 16: And speaking of people to vote for, keep voting for your favorite small-screen pairs in Watch With Kristin's Top TV Couples poll. Among those still in the running: Ross & Rachel, Angel & Buffy, Mulder & Scully and... You're getting excited just reading those names, aren't you?
REDUX: WWK breaks down all the "holy @%#$!" that happened on Lost this week.
STRUTTING HER STUFF: Naomi Campbell knows she's made a few wrong steps in the past, but, despite a NYC driver's now-retracted complaint that he fell prey to her legendary temper, she vows to not be "held hostage" to her past. (Wait, all this time she's been partying and making millions and looking hot, she's been a hostage, too?! Now we know why they call her a supermodel...)
HEALING: A Double Shot at Love With the Ikki Twins' Erica "Rikki" Mongeon was placed in a medically induced coma after suffering internal cranial bleeding in a car accident...Burt Lancaster is recovering from quintuple bypass surgery...Gang Starr member Guru is in a coma after a heart attack...Chynna Phillips is out of rehab.
FEUDAL TIMES: Sean Penn has a few choice words (namely, rectal and cancer) for all the haters out there...Ke$ha isn't one for Britney Spears' lip-syncing...Howard Stern took his well-documented dislike for Jay Leno to network TV...As far as the Kardashians vs. the tabloids go, it's three goddesses of swagger against one collective douchelord.
BABY BOOM: Rebecca Gayheart and Eric Dane are first-time McParents...Joey Lawrence welcomed his second daughter...It's a boy for Keyshia Cole and her Cleveland Cavalier...Christina Milian had a daughter with hubby The-Dream.
CROSS DRESSING: Has Shiloh Jolie-Pitt become the first victim of the ultra-girliness adopted by Suri Cruise? Hey, not every female toddler needs to wear dresses and heels to be adorable, OK?!
ODDS & ENDS: Kim Kardashian bought a house big enough for a running back in Beverly Hills...Michael J. Fox, honorary doctor...Jon Gosselin, Playgirl's latest centerfold?...Clay Aiken was out for gay rights...Lindsay Lohan must be trying to break some sort of record...Megan Fox is not...Kim Zolciak is pulling a LiLo...Jay Leno returned to The Tonight Show...Conan O'Brien is getting closer to hitting the road...James McAvoy has family business to attend to...Ain't Matt Damon cute?...Check out the winners of Joel McHale's annual Soup Awards!...Lady Antebellum could clean up at the ACMs...What, no good?
THANK THE ACADEMY: It's not just Oscar season anymore, it's Oscar weekend! Finally, an end to the whole Avatar vs. Hurt Locker conundrum! Test your cinematic wiles with our Red Carpet Prediction Quiz, download our Oscar app and bookmark our special Red Carpet section. Not only come Sunday will you have the inside scoop on the fashion, the best and worst moments, the jokes, the winners and the parties, but you will probably win some kind of award yourself for being so informed.
So use the time you would have spent searching the Web for all the info you'll find only at E! Online, and work on your speech.
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We don't care what the box office says! Lindsay Lohan can still be a star in our Big Picture gallery.