American Horror Story: Hotel

Suzanne Tenner/FX

This one goes out to all the parents who are NEVER LOOKING AT THEIR PHONES AGAIN.

Tonight's episode of American Horror Story: Hotel showed us the (chilling) backstory as to why The Countess (Lady Gaga) abducted Holden, a dinner party from Hell and what has to be an Emmy-winning performance for Lily Rabe playing serial killer Aileen Wuornos.

Here are the craziest reveals and theories!

BIGGEST REVEALS

1. Alex Has Turned. In order to reunite with the "love of her life" Holden, Alex allowed The Countess to feed her the ancient blood virus in exchange to her "undying loyalty." All well and good but…Anyone else feeling bad for poor Scarlet? Talk about feeing less than a sibling! At least she has…grandma? #Momconcerns

2. The Countess Believes She Is "Saving" Children. John Lowe (Wes Bentley) took a 5-second call while his son Holden was on a merry-go-round, and Mother Monster considered that "neglect" so devastating, it would lead to a "tragic, wasted life." She also believes she has "saved" all her children and brought them to the Hotel to keep them "safe." All of this—combined with Hazel's (Mare Wittingham's) child-abduction backstory is disturbing enough to make any parent smash their phone into a thousand pieces and start carrying even their largest children in Baby Bjorns. Screw the back problems. Thanks, Ryan Murphy!

3. The Wineville Chicken Coop Murders Are a Very Real Thing. Save yourself and don't Google it. It happened. It's awful. Really, really awful.

4. March Is Pretty Much Satan, Right? As we found out in tonight's "Devil's Night" soiree at Hotel Cortez, March (Evan Peters) is responsible for the worst serial killers in history. They all stopped by the Hotel Cortez at some point, and he served as a mentor to Jeffrey Dahmer, Aileen Wuornos, John Casey, Richard Ramirez (The Night Stalker) and The Zodiac, etc. Question: Does it list this feature on its Travelocity reviews.

5. Lily Rabe Is Everything. Nearly unrecognizable at first, she completely transformed into Aileen Wuornos in the most disturbing and incredible ways. All the awards! "Suck my left tit, Clark Gable!"

6. John Is the Worst. Here's hoping we get some sort of explanation as to why he A) Hasn't checked out of that damn hotel (What?)  B) Didn't immediately arrest Aileen Wuornos or call for backup, but instead put on a tux and went to the Devil's Night dinner. (Double what?) C) Seems to have no concern whatsoever for finding his son Holden after seeing him in the hotel. Basically, so far this season, we are #TeamEveryoneButJohn and wouldn't have minded at all if he had indeed been killed off at the dinner soiree. You?

American Horror Story: Hotel, AHS

FX

THEORIES/ PREDICTIONS

1. John and Alex HAVE to Have a Connection to The Hotel/The Countess/Mr. March. For the time being, I'm still sticking with the theory https://www.eonline.com/news/708941/american-horror-story-hotel-s-biggest-reveals-and-theories-could-alex-be-the-countess-offspring that Alex is the offspring of The Countess (Gaga was recently seen wearing a baby bump). If that's not it, there has to be some other explanation for John being invited to the Devil's Night dinner, AND The Countess abducting John's child and turning his wife. Perhaps this all plays into the lover she lost that she keeps referencing? Dying to know!

2. Season Ending Prediction: The whole Lowe family will end up dead and turned and trapped inside the hotel forever. An homage to season one, when they all died and were trapped in the Murder House for all of eternity? Mayhaps. It just feels like now that Holden and Alex are both turned…What else could possibly happen with John and Scarlet?

3. Crazy "10 Commandments Murders" Serial Killer Prediction: John Lowe (Wes Bentley) himself. He seems more insane by the nanosecond, would be the person we would least expect, and by my count is one of the few people who is not dead or affected by the virus and can leave the Hotel Cortez building. Not to mention, any of the characters with the blood virus would NOT leave the bodies there like that—they'd drain them. And we all get the sense that anyone who died there (a la Sarah Paulson's Hypodermic Sally) cannot leave, yes? Meanwhile, John's grasp on reality seems to be slipping as the series progresses. So, what if he has "Fight Club"-style blackouts and/or some sort of alter ego? What if he didn't take his eyes off Holden for 5 seconds on that carousel but rather 5 minutes while having some sort of psychotic break? (In case you can't tell, I CANNOT get over the phone thing. #NightmaresForDays)

4. Other Possible Suspects: Will Drake (Cheyenne Jackson) and possibly Liz Taylor (Denis O'Hare) are the only characters still alive. However, both of those choices seem…Off. And of course it's also possible it's another one of Mr. March's living minions who stopped by the hotel for some mentorship, and we have yet to meet him or her.

Also, when are The Countess and Mr. March (whom we believe were married and she turned him in), going to meet up? They are the oldest and fiercest Hotel Cortez inhabitants. THAT will be quite the moment!

Next week, it looks like Alex will be dealing with her new status as a vampire/blood virus sufferer, and the inhabitants of the hotel band together against the one and only Lady Gaga. 

American Horror Story airs Wednesdays at 10 p.m. on FX. 

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