This Is All We Have to Say About the Goliath Birdeater, That Giant Spider From South America

It's the size of a puppy and it makes hissing noises, so NOPE

By Jenna Mullins Oct 21, 2014 9:32 PMTags
Goliath Bird-eating Spider Piotr Naskrecki/Getty Images

Look, we've avoided this as much as we possibly could, but seeing as the Internet won't let this stupid story die, we now have to talk about it. We will never, ever forgive the Internet for this because we have been forced to look at these damn pictures for days now.


These are photos of the South American Goliath Birdeater, which is the world's largest spider. Piotr Naskrecki, an entomologist and photographer from Harvard University's Museum of Comparative Zoology, was going for a casual nighttime hike in the rainforest in Guyana (as one does) when he stumbled upon this creature from hell.

Piotr Naskrecki/Getty Images

It's the size of a puppy with legs that can grow up to 12 inches long, it has two-inch fangs that can pierce the skull of a mouse and it makes a hissing noise which just adds to the horror of its design.

And although these spiders are not deadly to humans, its bite would still be extremely painful, like "like driving a nail through your hand," Naskrecki wrote. Oh, and guess what else it does?!

"First, the spider would start rubbing its hind legs against the hairy abdomen," he described on his blog upon first encountering the Goliath Birdeater. "'Oh, how cute!', I thought when I first saw this adorable behavior, until a cloud of urticating hair hit my eyeballs, and made me itch and cry for several days."

It sends out a cloud of hair that damages your eyeballs! Who let this thing escape from Satan's bedroom?!

"I've been working in the tropics in South America for many, many years, and in the last 10 to 15 years, I only ran across the spider three times," Naskrecki.


There. Now you know the story behind these awful photos floating around the Internet and we don't ever have to talk about this thing again. In conclusion, we only have one thing to say to all of this: