The time has come, friends.
Tonight, we finally begin to find out how the mess that has been Peter Weber's season of The Bachelor will end. We won't fully find out since obviously it had to be a two-night event, but at least by 10 p.m. tonight, we'll have some clarity on what on earth is going on and who Pilot Pete might end up with, if anyone at all.
Will it be Hannah Ann Sluss, the 23 year-old model whose age and inexperience once concerned Pete until it didn't anymore? Or will it be Madison Prewett, the 23 year-old foster parent recruiter whose age never seemed to bother Pete that much, but who dropped a complicated sex-related bomb on Peter during fantasy suite week and threw him for a wild loop?
The answer is unclear, but we're promised a "riveting" "shocking" "unprecedented" "unique" ending to one of the franchise's messiest seasons over the next two nights.
We're going to be here the whole time, providing live updates, thoughts, GIFs, and musings throughout the episodes, starting tonight at 8 p.m. ET.
8:03 p.m.: After yet another look at that emotional supertease starring Barbra Weber, Chris Harrison is live to tell us once again how shocking and dramatic this finale is, and how Peter still doesn't know how it will all end. "How is that possible?" he asks. We're dying to know.
8:04 p.m.: This is the portion of the show where we watch three separate people wheel suitcases through Australia, while Pete talks over footage of kangaroos and sunsets.
8:05 p.m.: It's Barb! And Pete Sr. and Pete's little brother. And Pete's jumping right into telling his family about how Madison asked him to not have sex, and then he did have sex, which is not the first thing we'd tell our fam but to each his own. And all the Webers were concerned about Madison waiting sooooo long to tell him about the sex thing, but excited to meet Hannah Ann, who Peter described thusly:
"Hannah Ann is the perfect combination of like, that pure, beautiful innocence that combines like so effortlessly with all the confidence in the world, and she is just like the biggest sweetheart that you will ever meet."
The parents' response?
"The way you describe her, she sounds like you."
Absolutely no offense, but who describes your son like that, Mr. and Mrs. Weber?
8:14 p.m.: "I'm proud to be a part of him," Hannah Ann says to Peter's parents while essentially sitting on Peter's lap while Peter kisses her shoulder and we feel slightly ill.
Other than that weird line, honestly Hannah Ann's killing it.
8:20 p.m.: "Peter's really torn," Pete Sr. says.
"I feel like I've known you all my life," Barb tells Hannah Ann.
Could this mean that it's Hannah Ann who she's crying about in all the promos?! Bring her home to us, Pete!
8:25 p.m.: Live Chris Harrison is back with more teases: "What you are about to watch is something so different, so emotional, you really have to see it to believe it." We'll believe it when we see it, sir.
8:27 p.m.: Madison is back to continue her anger over Peter and the sex, and Peter's getting the chance to respond, though she's not taking it well.
"This is your journey and you are a big boy and you can make decisions for yourself, but I did want you to understand the weight and the gravity of the importance of that week for me and what I was OK with and what I wasn't OK with," Madison said. "I felt like you really just put your feelings and your needs and your wants like way above mine, and that was really hurtful."
"I know that I've hurt you in a lot of ways and I'm so sorry, and I totally get where you're coming from and why this is so difficult for you and why it means so much," he said. "I'm just being straight blunt with you right now, and maybe you don't want to hear this, but you're the only person that I truly don't really know how you feel. And maybe you're not on a level that I'm at with you, and that's OK, but I feel like up to this point and me being so close to this type of decision, that that is something I should know. And I felt, going into that situation, I had someone that means the absolute world to me still hasn't even told me how she feels about me, and is now, as much as I don't want it to sound this way, is kind of an ultimatum."
Also...you're not the only person I'm dating here, basically. And we're having trouble not siding with Pete on this one since again, this is The Bachelor.
8:37 p.m.: Madison: "I'm really strong-willed."
Peter: "Tell me more."
Madison: "I don't give up. I fight for what I believe in."
Madison: "I'm loyal to a fault."
Madison: "I love you."
Peter: "I literally can't stop smiling. It doesn't matter what you say, I'm all smiles for the rest of the day. Let's go meet my parents."
What the hell just happened here? (Was that foreplay?)
8:46 p.m.: Peter explains to his parents, in front of Madison, that they had a great relationship until they hit a roadblock.
Pete Sr., fully knowing: "So what exactly was the roadblock?"
8:47 p.m.: BARBRA IS WEARING THE YELLOW SWEATER.
THE YELLOW SWEATER!! BRING HER HOME TO US!
8:50 p.m.: It is so incredibly clear that Peter's family knows for sure that this Madison relationship is such a bad idea. They all know that not only is Pete more "spiritual" than religious, but he really likes sex, and they can see that Madison is not the lady for him. Jack in particular really doesn't think Pete is going to be cool with waiting until the wedding.
8:54 p.m.: Barb sits Peter down, while in her yellow sweater, and tells him that Madison's "not there for" him, but she said a prayer last night for the pair of them. She did not yet say "DON'T LET HER GO," but we will be waiting.
9:01 p.m.: We're officially in hour two, and Peter's family is actually fighting with him over the insane decisions he has made.
9:03 p.m.: Barb is in tears, and here we go. HERE WE GO, FAM.
She's a dream come true!! An angel on earth!
"You gotta stop doing this right now," Pete says to his mama. "It's literally destroying me right now."
"But I have emotions!" says Barb.
Imagine being Madison or Hannah Ann or any woman considering a relationship with Peter right now, and imagine continuing to consider that relationship. Oof.
9:09 p.m.: Live Chris Harrison is back, and he says that what happens next is going to be "brutal." Can't wait!
9:10 p.m.: Peter pads across some sand and reasons that the way Madison handled herself yesterday means she really does love him, and he flags down her helicopter. We actually forgot there's a whole other date we have to get through. We're past dates at this point. We care no longer. We want decision making!
9:13 p.m.: Why does Pete know so much about Australian topography? "It's called Uluru. It's a very spiritual rock for the people of Australia. The majority of it is underground right now. Uluru started forming 550 million years ago and all of this used to be ocean."
"Ah, dang," says Madison.
He read a whole guide book for you, girl!
9:14 p.m.: Family conversations aside, this feels sorta over for Hannah Ann, doesn't it? Or does it?
9:20 p.m.: Pete and Madi are on a picnic, but it ain't no picnic. She seems to be doing a breakup.
"I want this so badly, but I think when you want something so badly, I think a lot of times you can't see clearly and as much as we want this, I don't know that we can, like, give each other what we need," she said. "And sometimes I think... Being a great warrior and being a good fighter is knowing when to surrender. And I do think that love still wins and I do still think love still conquers all because I'm willing to walk away so that you can get what you came here to find."
But why don't you think you're that person, Pete wonders, as if he hasn't been paying any attention at all. Madi says she has to be realistic (for once?). She has to think about compatibility, and "lifestyle."
"I don't know that we're the best for each other."
Pete is obviously not here for this breakup. This is not how he wanted this to go! But he walks her to a waiting car, and then goes off to cry in the desert.
9:36 p.m.: Non-live Chris Harrison sits down with Pete and wonders if this is over. Pete says he's still in love with Hannah Ann, but he's real torn up about this whole Madi thing.
"I don't know right now. I honestly don't," Pete says.
9:37 p.m.: Hannah Ann's ready for her date, with absolutely no clue what just happened with Madi. And even as we're watching it, the air just feels sort of...empty. Petey's heart isn't in it anymore, but Hannah Ann is trying her hardest to help Pete decide if he sees a future with her, and not even adorable baby kangaroos can make this date feel alive.
9:41 p.m.: Pete thanks Hannah Ann for giving him no pressure, and for always just being there to help him make the decision she thinks he still has to make. Hannah hopes Peter will be sure of her by the end of the day. At this point we hope so too.
9:44 p.m.: Time for a promo for another ABC show! Thanks, Live Chris Harrison.
9:51 p.m.: We're kinda over here feeling bad for Hannah Ann, because she thinks things are normal and they're just not. And Peter starts to tell her that he's being pulled in two different directions, but he won't just tell her what's actually going on.
9:53 p.m.: Hannah Ann has had it. "I've given and I've given and I've given and I just want something in return, you know what I mean?"
She's so sure, and he's just not, and she's at her breaking point, and she's real nervous to potentially be waiting for a proposal from this guy who she thinks is also dating another woman, but who hasn't told her he isn't anymore.
9:58 p.m.: OR IS HE? Live Chris Harrison returns to tell us we haven't heard the last from Barb or Madison, and to show us a promo for tomorrow night's episode, which includes Madi's return. We are already exhausted by this, but we'll be right back here tomorrow night at 8 p.m., whether we like it or not.
In the meantime:
The Bachelor airs tonight and tomorrow at 8 p.m. on ABC.