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Blind Vice

Dear Ted:
Is Nelly Fang David Boreanez?

Dear Wrong Guessin':
Nope! Close 'tho.

Dear Ted:
I just watched Tea Leoni on The View, and she seemed, well, impaired. Have you seen the footage? Should we be worried about her? Good news never follows once you see a celebrity (or anyone, of course) "working" under the influence. Love ya!

Dear Loopy on Live:
Yeah, watched it, and I agree she def seemed like she wasn't all there...hilarious! How just for the record, how friggin' there would you be after putting up with Duchovny all those years, huh?

Dear Ted:
I don't think of myself as sensitive, but today's BV description of Nelly Fang was far too graphic for me. Way TMI. I love your BVs, but could you tone down the physical description next time, please? Squirming here.

Dear Virgin Eyes:
Oh relax, it was just a couple of deets. And that was tame compared to some of the other stuff Nelly said. That definitely wasn't appropriate for print.

Dear Ted:
I think I have figured you out Ted, are you so sick and tired of having to literally babysit all the babies who ask you numerous times a day if Robsten is still together that you have resorted to nebulous and cryptic answers that set every post and every person, who is not literally crazy, up in flames? Hope you are enjoying it because you have succeeded. I am ok with that but I am having to supplement my lack RK news with a few more glasses of vino. Am I sort of right?

Dear Got it:
Yes and no...when I get the same questions, it's hard not to toy around a bit. But I know how much everyone loves their Robsten (as do I) so I won't be too harsh.

Dear Ted:
I'll pile on with your supporters who think Tiger's yeasty baker's dozen deserve whatever monikers they get. They participated in elaborate maneuvers by Tiger and his entourage to get into his bed without Elin finding out. How low can you go, sneaking into hotel rooms to be used for kinky un-safe sex by a dorky bore because he has fame and money. Sluts, skanks, hos, dirtbags, pigs—if the Payless faux Choo fits...

Dear Knows What's Up:
Bingo darling! Love the shoe comparison.

Dear Ted:
I know you like Ashley Greene and support all of her "I'm a woman who's entitled to play the field and have fun too" type endeavors. But please answer me this: Is she as much concerned with improving her poor acting as she is at doing interviews and making magazine covers? Why is she in this business? Is she out to take really good roles or just easy ones that will get her invited to parties? I'm a little suspicious of her.

Dear Greene's the Wrong Color:
She's hardly the worst out of all the Twilight actors...but I would say she's less concerned about going the Anna Kendrick route if you know what I mean.

Dear Ted:
Why are so many here angry with Robert Pattinson, is it just the Katy Perry thing? (Which doesn't seem too significant to me, unless I missed something.) I believe it likely that R and Kristen Stewart are jointly and intentionally keeping their relationship out of the public eye as much as possible. By staying "low profile" (as K said in interviews), I get the idea they are pretty serious about each other, otherwise why the effort? Am I getting it right or are they much more casual?

Dear X Marks the Spot:
You're right, hon. Finally someone gets it!

Dear Ted:
What you said about Jake needing a date to the Prince of Persia premiere...may I suggest Anne Hathaway? I've seen this coming since their "steamy" sex scenes were mentioned. Please tell me she is smarter than this!

Dear Failed Cupid:
Don't think they're right for each other. Like, at all.

Dear Ted:
Now I know that Angelina Jolie has been a BV, but what about Brad Pitt? Got any dirt on him?

Dear Bad Pitt:
He's one of out BV superstars! An oldie but goodie. In many ways.

Dear Ted:
Dude, why is RP hanging out with the likes of Katy Perry and Russell Brand, not to mention letting it be photographed? Did he and Kristen break up as a couple? I'd really appreciate a straight answer, please.
KPattz fan

Dear Nonbeliever:
Just look at this and let me know what you think.

Dear Ted:
Sweets, love your blolumn! But please give it to me straight is Nelly Fang Jackson Rathbone?

Dear Vamps Gone Wild:
Don't think he's the kind of guy to pull this stuff in public...think more rebellious.

Dear Ted:
You're a brave man, Ted. Regardless of who Nelly Fang actually is, the Twihards are going to have you for lunch. Those people are crazy. Thanks for the company...my work days wouldn't be the same without you.

Dear Risk Taker:
It is what it is, just givin' them the facts!

Dear Ted:
Apparently I have been living under a rock as I just discovered your column. That being said the family may have gotten take-out for dinner as mommy was too busy reading hours worth of your past columns—one word—love! Here's my bitch and it really weighed heavily on me last night: In reading your Blind Vices, I was disgusted to see so many closeted people in there. Disgust! With the rate of teen suicides by those troubled by their orientation, do them proud and be proud of who you are!
Straight but not narrow

Dear Mommy Lecture:
I agree, they should feel free to come out, but Hollywood's a harsh reality and not many people out there are as free thinking as you babe. Now, feed your fam, love!

Dear Ted:
Okay, this is getting ridiculous—while I've read your column for years, lately I've taken to writing in, and I swear I'm communicating more with you than with my mother. But on to my request: can you please please give me a hint as to the identity of Shafterella Shoshstein? It was my six-year sobriety birthday yesterday and it seemed that everything that could go wrong, did, so this would really perk things up a bit for me! (And be easier than calling my sponsor. kidding.)

Dear Clue Hunting:
Awesome job on the six years, hon! So what kind of clues are you looking for? She's working on her next move as we speak. 

Dear Ted:
My faith in Blind Vices are restored! Cannot wait to find out more about Nelly Fang! Is Nelly a vampire on a television network or in a movie? If it's a television network, two letters or three? I'm pretty much asking you to hand him over on a silver platter huh?

Dear Nice Try:
You're getting too specific there, sweets. Nelly's smolderingly hot...that narrow it down enough?

Dear Ted:
I was surprised at the amount of hate expressed here in the last two days about Rob Pattinson. It was intimidating. In that light, knowing the power of Internet community and knowing the truth about Rob's where-why-with-whom-abouts don't you think you should write a little less suggestive post? These crazies (gossiping is supposed to be fun, that's way I'm doing this and not real life) will fall for anything. I hope their power is as virtual as this medium. P.S. I'm a huge fan, but refuse to watch those pap videos (and some pictures) of Rob because that's just wrong.
Anonymous complainer

Dear Rob Forever:
What was suggestive about the posts babe? Is plain ol' love so offensive?


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