6. Prince William: Since Paris claims she's a changed woman now, dedicated to doin' good 'n' all, and Wills and Kate Middleton are kaput, these two blond 'n' toothy types would be a perfecto duo! Paris can get her charity on just like Princess Di did, while helping Will get over his ex. Plus, since Posh 'n' Becks are coming over here stateside, isn't it fair we throw Britain one of our tabloid terribles in return?
5. Jesus: Miz H. was already toting around a Bible and stopping by Good Shepherd Catholic Church before she got locked up at Lynwood. Plus, the sultry starlet claims she found God in jail, so I'm betting we might see Paris' skinny bum in church more often...maybe even a convent? Nicole and Paris to a nunnery? Hey, sounds right to moi, and I do know a producer or three here at E!, maybe I'll have to mention...
4. Ben & Jerry: The already svelte hottie reportedly dropped 10 pounds while in the clink and didn't eat much—hates the behind-bars cuisine, natch. Girlfriend should get herself a pint of calorie-laden Chunky Monkey and dig in, already. I'll help! Live for that fattening crap! Hollywood definitely doesn't need any more skin 'n' bones celebs, thankyouverymuch.
3. Akon: The dude's been behind bars himself and turned it into a hit song called "Locked Up." He can take Paris' prison diaries, put them over some tight beats and revive her music career...as a rapper!
2. Justin Timberlake: Just because dating a gal who's been incarcerated would totally give him street cred, don't you think? And heaven knows he wants it more than straight hair.
1. Paris Latsis: Do not laugh, but I actually thought they were pretty sweet together. And I know the Greek heir still has a thang for P.H. (just not sure about that superrich, superreligious fam of his). I actually think Latsis is the one guy Paris has been with who actually didn't want to eat her alive in the tabloids—that is, get more headlines. He wanted equal. And ain't that how it's supposed to be in love and celebrated union?
Hania reportedly went to the personal fix-up farm back in February. And according to our source, it looked like Hania was most assuredly not standing as erect as the barnyard fence.
Maybe they should start holding 12-step meetings at Les Deux?
Oh, and I can hear it now: Far more folks will be alarmed by the above cooing age diff than anything whatsoever to do with naughty doings. Perish the thought a 21-year age difference should exist in Hollywood! So unusual!Hey, even though the discrepancy ain't quite that high, this is def one reason why I think Demi rocks (certainly not for her acting, as anyone who's seen the otherwise stellar Mr. Brooks can attest—it's like she was in one big shampoo commercial, or something). More power to the femmes who want to twist that normally male-female stereotypical arrangement round.
Remember when Billy Crudup left his about-to-pop
g-f, Mary-Louise Parker, to then lovey-dovey hang with Claire Danes, his Stage Beauty costar? This, despite the fact that Crudup's popper was the reason Parker was preggers in the first place? Sure, Crudup was widely chastised for being such a primo ass-wipe, but Claire suffered, too. Folks wondered why the hell she'd be a party to such sliminess, and such, and would her career survive?
Pretty good performances in Shopgirl and The Family Stone kinda helped. But I just caught a screening of Evening with a laughably stiff Meryl Streep and Vanessa Redgrave, a grotesquely wooden Patrick Wilson, among other stony performers in the unfortunate gal drama, but Danes, in the lead, is wholly watchable, always captivating. Damn, she's getting good. It was like, Billy who?
So, take heed, Lindsay, get back to some decent acting—instead of this beyond pathetic playacting—and you'll shed the sleaze in no time!