Bitch-Back! Punking Palin, Piling on Jolie

Readers bite back, politics piss them off

Dear Ted:
I am living and working in the heart of DeeCee (a stone's throw from 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.) and can tell you that all the "Independents" I know are firmly Democratic since Sarah Palin arrived on the scene. And those that were in denial became Democratic after Katie Couric did her business. You need to recruit a new Desk DeeCee...anyone who has ever had a windup doll in DeeCee is realizing that Sarah Palin's crank is fairly short.
—Sarah, D.C.

Dear DeeCee Diss:
I'd much rather believe you, trust. But Desk DeeCee rarely disappoints and is also polling a far more dangerous section than just the Washington types: the heartland.

Dear Ted:
Enough with the bitching about Sarah Palin. You're starting to sound like your hemorrhoids are flaring or something. I just wanna hear about the latest doings of my favorite hell-raiser Angelina...
—Lonewolf

Dear Jolie Jaded:
I'm sure you meant to say Amy Winehouse, darling, not Angelina, right? Angelina's changed! (And I'm blond.)

Dear Ted:
It's official! You are America's new hero! For what? For dissing Angelina Jolie. Never liked her and her man-stealing ways (I got the "man-stealing ways" line from your BFF Jules Asner). When will the people of this country realize what a fake she is? Never bought the whole adopt-a-child scheme of hers. There are a lot of homeless and orphaned children in this country. Why not start here? Question: When do you think she'll dump Brad?
—Taryn

Dear Man-eater:
When another hunky, unavailable partner comes along, that's when. She and Jodie Foster really should get together. For so many reasons.

Dear Ted:
Did you see Fergie is in London filming Nine and was out without her engagement ring on Monday? She was with Kate Hudson and Sophia Loren.
—Annl

Dear Ring Around the Hosey:
She and Giuliana Rancic both.

Dear Ted:
Instead of (in addition to?) sending around emails about how horrible Sarah Palin is, let's all make a donation to Planned Parenthood in her name. And here's the great part: When you make a donation to Planned Parenthood in her name, they'll send her a card telling her that the donation has been made in her honor! You'll need to fill in the address to let Planned Parenthood know where to send the "in Sarah Palin's honor" card. I suggest you use the address for the McCain campaign headquarters, which is:

Sarah Palin
C/O McCain for President
1235 S. Clark Street, 1st fl.
Arlington , VA 22202

P.S. Make sure you use that link above, or choose the pull-down of "Donate—Honorary or Memorial Donations," not the regular "Donate Online."
—Connie

Dear Punk Palin:
Clever. A little creepy, but clever.

Dear Ted:
You so often told us that Toothy Tile knows he's Toothy and that he's proud of it. What about Gray Goose, is he a proud one, too?
—Robert

Dear Smile Like You Mean It:
Hardly. Grimacing through it all.

Dear Ted:
Who is the most loving, sweetest and hottest hubby: Toothy's or yours? Is Baby Tile old enough to walk?
—Grace

Dear Tile-icious:
Mine. No.

Dear Ted:
How do celebrities break-up with someone only to have another in just a few weeks or days? I can't even work that fast. Also, is Chris Brown really dating Rihanna? It doesn't seem all that legit.
—Donna

Dear Fast Times at H'wood High:
It's literally their job to be that slutty. And I think C.B. and RiRi are perf for each other.

Dear Ted:
I think Jen Aniston should hook up with Leo DiCaprio. He may be younger (and likes models), but he's very cool, and they'd make a great couple, if only for a while.
—Pegn53

Dear Matchbreaker:
She'd better steer clear of lovely Leo.

Dear Ted:
This is something I've never understood about the whole Brad Pitt-Jennifer Aniston breakup. To me, it really doesn't sound like anyone did anything wrong. It sounds like this is a couple who developed different priorities. Brad had made a lot of movies and was ready to expand his life with a family and charitable causes. Jennifer had just finished Friends  and was at the perfect point to build her film career; she was in no position to get pregnant and start a family. So, Brad fell in love with someone who shared his priorities (having a family and charitable work). It happens. Is this really what happened, or is there something that I'm missing?
—Elle

Dear Stuck in 2005:
Yes. You're missing Angelina Jolie.

Dear Ted:
If Jake and Reese are just PR buddies, then as far as I can tell, he hasn't dated anyone since he broke up with Kirsten Dunst back in 2005. Is he that picky?
—Jill, M.E.

Dear Dump or Dunst:
Maybe he didn't date KiKi, either.

Dear Ted:
Do bisexuals still exist in this world? With all the mentions of gay and lesbian couples during the same-sex marriage debate in California, many bisexuals are feeling a bit left out. Lindsey Lohan has had a couple of high-profile romances; does her relationship with Samantha Ronson invalidate those loves? Not if she's bisexual. I wish the mainstream media would quit hounding her to come out as a lesbian and instead ask about bisexuality, a sexual orientation with a long and storied history.
—Faith

Dear Bye-Bye Bi:
Valid Q. For what it's worth, I don't consider L.L. a lez.

Dear Ted:
I was wondering if you think Benji Madden might become the next Nick Cannon. You know, superfamous star and a Z-list star.
—Chris, Texas

Dear Falling Star:
Did I miss something? When was Nick Cannon ever superfamous?

Dear Ted:
No question here, sorry! My mother introduced me to your column, and I just wanted to say how much I love it! As an avid (albeit secret) reader of too many gossip blogs than I'd like to admit, I wanted to give you kudos for being more entertaining than the rest. And here comes the real point: That "swishing" noise that indicates a frame change on Truth, Lies & Ted is highly distracting. Could there be another noise that might be better?
—Sherry

Dear Earful:
Thanks, babe, would a fart suffice?

—Additional sass by Taryn Ryder