Steve Granitz/Getty Images, Lisa O'Connor/ZumaPress.comDear Ted:
I just read the comments about Brangelina and my question is…Did you notice that Jen Aniston closed the cancer telethon that all three networks ran simultaneously and less than three weeks later Brangelina's "people" are reporting that they donated 2 mil here and 1 mil there? I think Angelina is a total fraud/druggie.
— Ms. P
Dear P Must Be for Pissy:
Bitter, much? Paranoid often? And if the Jolie drug to which you refer is infamy, oh, yeah, sister, you be right on that score.
Dear Ted:
Petered Metered from One Signed, Sealed and Debauched Blind Vice is totally Mario Lopez, right?
—Lttl Brat
Dear Too Much Access:
He does fit, but it’s not him. Think less of an obvious meathead.
Dear Ted:
After reviewing the poster of the upcoming movie Changling, I believe that the powers that be should have their heads examined. They spend millions on the production and promotion of this movie and then appear to have little regard for how the poster looks. Most posters give you some idea of the movie content.
—Carolyn
Dear ChangeASAP:
Get the Wanted poster. Change the title to Changeling. Might not be the same plot, but makes about as much sense and is way cooler.
Dear Ted:
Is Petered Metered Diddy? He loves curvaceous women—Jennifer Lopez and his most recent ex Kim complained about his wandering eye.
—J Stein
Dear Diddling the Wrong Diddy:
He does fit in many raunchy respects, but Petered doesn’t have as many A-list women on his track record.
Dear Ted:
How lame was it of John McCain to lie to David Letterman? It would have been easier if he just told the truth. If he can't handle this, what chance does he have running the country? Quite scary....
—Joan, St. Paul, Minn.
Dear Honestly Confused:
Politicians lie? Gasp. That’s like Clay Aiken telling us he’s gay! Oh wait…
Dear Ted:
I called in sick today and said I was deficient in my Vitamin T—OK, that was cheesy, but I think I deserve for this question to be printed since I risked my livelihood over it! Have you and Mr. Tile ever done the nasty (prehubby, of course!)? I reread some entries and you two sure seemed a little flirty a couple of years ago. And, who is hotter, Toothy or his BF? Is Mario Lopez his lover?
—Thrasher
Dear Bedroom Boinked:
In order: No. Yes. Neither, I like men, not little beautiful boys who still retain a tad of privileged baby fat. No.
Dear Ted:
Recently you said 1 in 10 people in Hollywood were straight. You must be including behind-the-scenes creative folks, agents, producers, etc. In terms of actors/actresses, what is the percentage that is straight?
—Cupcake in Cincinnati
Dear Left Brain:
One in 25. Make that 100.
Dear Ted:
OK, so Clay is gay. Big whoop...file that reveal under No Merde. Quick question, though…Has Clay ever been a subject of one of your Blind Vices? If yes, which one? And yes, I know he's not Toothy Tile.
—Jen
Dear Aching for Aiken:
Clay is far too dull for our sexy Vice archives.
Dear Ted:
Doesn't the CW pay their actors enough money? Why is it that four hunky guys from two of their shows have to shack up? Can't the actors afford their own spaces? Not that I mind, of course, who wouldn't want to live with Jared and Jenson or with Ed and Chase? Is my imagination pervier than the truth? What's your take?
—Deliam
Dear More Than Friends:
There’s no such thing as too pervy in this town, dear. These boys need to get a little more famous till we hear how close the roomie pairs really are.
Dear Ted:
Just watched your TL&T Sept. 25. OMG Dog?! You put a hole in your wall? Are you in trouble? How's your shoulder? You know you're starting to get up there in years! Just teasing! Big hole in the wall, though.
—Lola
Dear Hole, Schmole:
Clearly, it was the wall that was hurt.
Dear Ted:
Is Petered Metered John Mayer? I grew up with him, and we actually dated awhile. I would bet my life on it.
—Samantha
Dear Growing Up Mayer:
Wrong B.V., hon! And we need to talk.
Dear Ted:
What? Not a word on Lindsay's coming out? Should I regard it as a sign of how much her career is in the toilet that people (i.e., you) seem to find it more fascinating that Clay Aiken is coming out? Or are you just more interested in the gay guys than the gay gals?
—Gsta
Dear See-Saw LiLo:
Lindsay announced nothing. 'Cause she knows this female phase ain’t gonna last. Just like we do.
Dear Ted:
Your home state of Texas was just hit by a major hurricane and many areas were demolished. You did have one blurb asking people to give donations to help last week. Don't forget that thousands of people have lost everything and are homeless. The Red Cross is having trouble getting donations to help these hurricane victims because there is very little national media coverage. Don't forget about your fellow Texans who need help so desperately right now.
—Nshanna
Dear Mother:
Fully aware of the sitch, hon—that’s why we mentioned it to begin with, and have been, if you’ve been paying attention. But just ‘cause ya asked, here’s a remention of the McCormick Foundation where everyone can donate some dough.
Dear Ted:
I was watching Dancing With the Stars and I have to ask you...When are we going to see you on the show and, if you were, who would you want your partner to be?
—Digikattshaw
Dear Take a Dance on Me:
Fine by me, doll! But only if George Clooney can be my partner.
Dear Ted:
Just thought you might wanna know that a lot of conservatives writing to you and getting mad for your coverage of McCain and Palin are probably ghostwriters hired by the McCain campaign. Here's an article on Salon.com from a woman who was actually hired to write letters to the editor pretending to be an angry McCain-Palin supporter. Keep up the good work!
—Kathy
Dear Ghost Liar:
The lengths some people will go to for big-haired glory, huh?
Dear Ted:
I'm still laughing at your video for this week. When you hit the wall I cracked up. It looked painful, but you've got some pretty big guns, so I guess it's really your own fault. And you were so sweet with Margo—made me want to take her place.
—Sheila
Dear Video Vamp:
Thanks, but I’m not so sweet when she hogs all of Butch and Cleo’s food or licks their bumholes, trust.
Dear Ted:
The mags have been pushing the Reese-Jake romance for over a year now, but neither will confirm or deny the rumors. What’s the big secret?
—Mallory, Conn.
Dear Cladestine Couple:
Those two are just friends with benefits. The benefits, of course, meaning publicity.
—Additional sass by Becky Bain and Taryn Ryder