Bitch-Back! Is Religion a Laughing Matter?

Tom Cruise is too much fun to pass up

Dear Ted:
Celebrities may or not be "fair game," but Scientology is a religion practiced by millions of housewives, lawyers, students, firemen, doctors and bricklayers, who say it helps them lead happier lives. Maybe it shouldn't be casually slimed in a gossip column.
—John Carmichael

Dear Slime Away:
Thanks to Tom Cruise, and his surprising spiral, it's hard to take anything he backs all that seriously.

Dear Ted:
In Ian Halperin's book on Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, he says that Angie and her team waged a mean-spirited campaign against Jennifer Aniston and planted stories to the media about how Jen didn't want kids, etc. Do you think this is true? I mean, it wouldn't shock me, Angie does seem to me a manipulative witch and I can see her doing this, just wanted your thoughts. Come on, Ted, please tell me that Angie hasn't changed at all and this "Mother Teresa" persona she wants us all to believe is one big old act!
—Anc

Dear Bitchalina:
Whether Brange planted stories or not, some of those are in fact true. And hell, no, A.J.'s totally saintly, now, don't you know?

Dear Ted:
Stop trying to make Ashley Greene-Kellan Lutz happen. They are not happening for the fans, it's obvious. You refer to her and Jackson Rathbone as ex flames, are they still friends though?
—Bella

Dear Read Again:
We're not trying to make it happen—they're friends, we said that. Just think they would be cute together. Ash is more one of the guys on set, she and Jackson are still friends.

Dear Ted:
I'm so happy those photos of Robsten finally came out so people can stop second-guessing you. A picture is worth a thousand denials, right? Anyway, I have a B.V. question: I was having drinks with a friend of mine last night when we got on the subject of celebrities, and he started telling me all these scandalous things about John Travolta. So it got me thinking he has to be one, right? Love ya!
—M

Dear Obvious:
Duh. Do spill, though.

Dear Ted:
If Robsten is doing Breaking Dawn, then will the charade continue as in no real public PDA? They are starting to give Gywenth Paltow and Chris Martin some competition on who can hide their relationship/marriage the best! Why does Kristen Stewart look fuller in the interviews she gave right before leaving for Europe, where these filmed at a different time?
—Arabella

Dear Baby Weight:
Oh, give the girl a break, she's a skinny-minny.

Dear Ted:
OMG! Kristen and that see-thru skirt in Madrid. I love that chick. My question is...How much time do you think passed between the time Robert Pattinson first saw her in that skirt and his pants becoming unbearably tight? Just call me Naw-Tee!
—Bubble 

Dear Dirty Girl:
Thank heavens they have a place to go to unleash some steam.

Dear Ted:
I would have to agree with the person who asked the question about David Boreanez and Emily Deschanel. They seem far too cozy to be just costars. He's always trying to kiss her offscreen. What's going on down there? Can you please give us a hint?
—Amj 

Dear Bad Boreanez:
Nothing that won't get me sued. Sorry, babe, he's a cranky-ass one.

Dear Ted:
If George Clooney is the new Cary Grant, who is his Randolph Scott?
—Notme 

Dear Olden Days:
Who said G.C. was the new Grant? Not quite sure I see, anyway, as Grant was married billions of times and hardly was into pigs. At least the pet kind, as is Georgey.

Dear Ted:
I've had this question for quite some time: Do you think Toothy Tile and his beard have or have ever had an intimate relationship? If not, does this mean Toothy has been abstinent for the past few years? That doesn't sound fun at all! Or very realistic.
—Skye

Dear Remember:
Toothy has been with girls. Just don't believe he and the Missus Beard are intimate all that much.

Dear Ted:
You said both David Boreanaz and Sarah Michelle Gellar were the subjects of past Blind Vices. My question is, were they together, in the same B.V., or separate?
—Willow 

Dear Buffy Fan:
I wish it was together the way you're thinking, but no, they were separate.

Dear Ted:
Your column always brightens my day. Keep up the excellent work! I have a question for you: have Toothy Tile and Prius Crotch-Catch made a movie together? Recently? Thanks!
—Mrss

Dear Hmmm:
Define recently—don't you love those responses? But promise I will answer you.

Dear Ted:
Had to comment on the Rihanna/Chris Brown mess. I was at a public function last month where a teenage girl had purchased an 8x10 close-up of Chris' face and was sharing her excitement with her group of equally admiring friends. Strangers were walking by and echoing the oohs and ahhs. I sincerely hope that by Rihanna speaking out, a seed of reality was planted in the minds of these young girls. It made me sick to my stomach that they would still see him as an icon of any sort after what he did to another human being. Love to you and your four-legged fam.
—Jen

Dear Preaching to the Choir:
That's why Team Awful's standing by Rihanna's decision to speak out.

Dear Ted:
As far as I've heard, Rocky Trailer hasn't come out yet while doing New Moon press. Do you know if Rocky is still planning on talking?
—Robsten Fan

Dear Anxiously Waiting:
We didn't get a chance to talk with Rocky exclusively, or we would've asked the right questions. Don't think anybody knows to. Yet.

Dear Ted:
Just love your latest Truth, Lies & Ted! I wish you had your own TV show so I could turn my TV on after a long day at work on the East Coast and see your funny, smart, hilarious face at 7 p.m. EST every night! Love Robsten and the airplane. Believe me, Ted, for those with a brain, you've kept us abreast of the situation. Love all the pink and blue by the way. Please do evening TV, pretty please.
—OJ

Dear TLT Fan:
Many thanks, babe—it was superfun to film! If you have some money to throw around I urge you to check it out at www.transexec.com. Especially if you want to get massaged at 37,000 feet on the same bed I'm sure Robsten will soon get kneaded on.

Dear Ted:
It's my birthday, and the only present I want in the whole world is for you to (pretty please!) answer one little question for me! With all the talk around Jensen Ackles getting married, I just wanted to know—is Jared Padalecki his best man? Cheers!
—Radha

Dear Crystal Ball:
That remains to be seen. We're going with no.

Dear Ted:
Here's a shot-in-the-dark question...Do two of your very popular B.V.s have a movie coming out together very soon? Possibly something about complicated family ties?
—FingersCrossed

Dear Too Cryptic:
Can you be more specific? Some of our favorite Vicers certainly do have movies coming out soon.

Dear Ted:
I am bracing for some major Taylor Swift backlash. It seems like anyone who speaks out of turn in her mere presence is immediately chastised and told to sit down! I get that the girl is nice, sweet, talented and pretty, but come on—she's gotta get a little dirt on her at some point. Do you think the backlash countdown has begun, and do you have any ideas of her first stumble?
—Pixie

Dear Ticking Taylor:
She seems to be as squeaky-clean as she appears...for now. But Swift is slowly entering into the Hollywood scene, and it's politics here. It's only a matter of time before something happens.

Dear Ted:
Does Nevis Divine still live in merry ole across-the-pond-land most of the time, or has he made his home in the U.S.? Also, what color eyes does he have?
—Lab 

Dear Nationality Confusion:
He seems to spend his time equally traveling. Eye color is dreamy.