Bitch-Back! Who's the Sexiest of Them All?

Robsten, Obama and Blind Vice debates wage on

Dear Ted:
I've been enjoying your column for the past two months, and it's a must-do every morning at work here in Toronto. Regarding Hugh Jackman running for a second term as Sexiest Man Alive, I have nothing against it. He's a nice, hot daddy. But if you'll allow me to propose another name for that title, how about Eric Bana—same age as Hugh and also a delicious Australian DILF. Robert Pattinson is still too new and young to be named the sexiest. Keep up the good work and also defending the rights of gay couples to marry in Calif.
—My Aussie Bums

Dear Bana Rama:
Great suggestion. I'm not sure how I feel about you writing off Rob so quick, but Aussie specimens are always welcome in the Sexiest Man arena.

Dear Ted:
Regarding your latest post about how Megan Fox has the hots for Rob Pattinson. When you said a rough road this summer, you didn't say you would be the one giving it to us. I remember not too long ago you said Rob would be scared to death of her. I believe you have already given us the truth on Robsten, and everything is good. It's why I became a fan of yours, but you are a little devil. A cute little devil. How do you get by with it and have us still love you?
—Me

Dear Tough Love:
Better it comes from me first than someone who would be much more vicious an damning of our man Rob.

Dear Ted:
I am addicted to the whole Toothy Tile drama! I think I know who it is, but the Baby Tile part throws me. Does the public know that Toothy has a child? Also, I love the Robsten deets...keep 'em coming!
—Jlbachmann

Dear Toothy Sleuth:
In order you mentioned: me, too; good for you; no; and you got a deal.

Dear Ted:
Forgive me if this is a really bad guess, but I've forgotten a lot of Toothy Tile hints you've given us. Is Toothy Tile Owen Wilson?
—Brionna

Dear Toothy Round 2:
So wrong, darling! Think far less obviously butch.

Dear Ted:
What's the real scoop behind Usher's divorce? Stay cool.
—Lisa

Dear I Always Do:
Let's just say that the actual marriage lasted less than half as long as the two of them claim it did. And the fact that Usher is demanding papers for all his wife's actions smells superfishy, not to mention revealing.

Dear Ted:
It seems to me that Robsten isn't working things out. Rob is in NYC, Kristen in L.A., so where do all the rumors come from? Have you some sources who provide you with such juicy gossip, or is it all made up? It seems to me as if the Robsten mania is having a break or, let's call it more accurately, is breaking up. I really do like to read your column, but from time to time I am not sure whether you're talking the truth or just some gossip you picked up somewhere on the Internet, which you, from what I've read, don't like...
—Flegma

Dear Quick to Judge:
Why else do you think it's called "The Awful Truth," hon? Sometimes gossip is the truth, sweetheart, and it ain't always pretty. But I can assure you I make nothing up. And let's not be too hasty on dissecting Rob and Kristen's every move apart this summer.

Dear Ted:
How can Robsten last with Pattinson working on Bel Ami in London and France for three to four months followed by a West End run in Death Trap, which has top producers and a director who just won a Tony (so Pattinson won't turn this chance down)?
—Sasha

Dear Run-On Sentence:
Hey, longer-distance relationships have worked. Who knows what their specific dating rules will be when that time comes, but I can assure you Robsten isn't cooling down anytime soon.

Dear Ted:
Is Dommy-Do Rightly Jen Aniston?
—R 

Dear Blunt:
You're giving Jen way too much credit with that guess. She's not nearly young enough.

Dear Ted:
I am sure I am not the only one who's a bit shocked at your recent rants about Bradley Cooper. The dude is hot (though if that man ain't batting for both teams, then I don't know who is, but I digress). I have always been a fan, but when you first mentioned him and Jen, you were more than a bit concerned about the coupling. Now you are suggesting she should stick with him and seem to be tooting his horn left and right. OK, you may not be suggesting marriage, but still, what's with the sudden change of heart? Sure, I suppose anyone is better than John "The Tool" Mayer.
—Samantha

Dear Hungover:
It's amazing what a hit movie and a revived life in the spotlight will do for a person. I've always thought he was sexy, but maintain that he is not the guy for Jen if she wants to be serious.

Dear Ted:
Is there an AA meeting I can attend for being a Robstenholic? I am 43 with an important career, wonderful husband and kids, and I cannot stop checking your column 10 times a day to see new Robsten developments. I so want Kristen and Robert to be together (if they want) without interference from studio or fans or lecherous wannabe stars...I find though that the highs and lows and rumors and innuendos are driving me mad. How can I get on with my life and enjoy the summer? Any advice?
—Robsten Addict

Dear Twilight Mama:
I've got nothing. Sadly, it's something that you're gonna have to cope with on your own. Might I suggest some Twilight-inspired positions in the bedroom? Spider-monkey?

Dear Ted:
Are Miley Cyrus and Nick Jonas really back together? I heard that they're trying to bring back "Niley" just for publicity, but is that true?
—Lilrockstar

Dear Teenybopper:
Miley crashed Nick's concert in Texas this past week, and it sounds like she's got big plans to corrupt the little Jonas. And he doesn't mind, trust.

Dear Ted:
Rob Pattinson has stated he plays three musical instruments. We all know he plays piano and guitar, but what is the third instrument?
—Suzi

Dear Music of the Night:
Heart strings.

Dear Ted:
I am stumped with Nevis Devine. Can you give us another clue, please?
—Curious II

Dear Hunting Nevis:
He has a great coif.

Dear Ted:
This is more of a idea I want to bounce off of you and see what you think. It took more than 100 years for blacks to get equal rights (and I am not saying our struggle is the same as theirs, though in many ways it is). Yes, I wish we could just wave a magic wand and have equal rights today. But are not all these steps (like Obama giving rights to federal employees) at the very least steps in the right direction?
—JDW

Dear Half Way:
Right direction yes, but the guy is moving at a friggin' snail's pace.

Dear Ted:
If only Obama cared about gay rights then he'd stop wasting billions of dollars! I say nag him until he listens! The good news is that he's only going to be a one-term president; we won't make the same mistake twice! In the future, Ted, please educate people on the "real" pro-rights candidate, and stop throwing your support to idiots!
—Sterveen

Dear Nobama:
You must be a newcomer. I was very pro Hillary.

Dear Ted:
Is Dominique (Dommy) Do-Rightly Anna Paquin?
—Carrie

Dear Sookie:
The True Blood babe is content in her sparky relaysh with Stephen Moyer, I assure you.