Ask the Answer B!tch

Jeff Steinberg/INFphoto.com

How long do you think Nick and Mariah will stay married?
—L.H.

Are you insinuating a less-than-robust future between a 27-year-old rapper and diva who walks her dogs in evening wear and complains when her Jack Russell can't get an airplane seat in first class? Honestly, son. Where's your faith in hip-hop humanity?

If you must know, celebrity therapists say they've seen whirlwind relationships like Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey's—plenty of times. And things rarely end well.

Click into the jump to see which insta-hitchings are still solid and who split quick.

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Chris Weeks/WireImage.com

Just curious. How come you guys on E! Online are kinda mean to Heidi and Spencer? Not that I am a big fan of them or The Hills.
—S.S.

Quiet, you. Kindness only encourages them. And once people realize that the sex-tape trauma they've engineered is kind of tired, they'll have nothing, and Heidi will have to auction her breast implants on eBay for peroxide money. Is that what you want? Is it? Is it? Now, to more of your burning questions.

How many bodyguards does a celebrity usually have with them?
—Clare, Las Vegas

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FOX

The other day, you talked about how much celebrities charge just to show up at a club. But what about charity fundraisers? Stars have to appear for free then, right?
— Druce, Philadelphia

No. Of course not. What manner of crazy talk is this?

“Ninety-nine percent of the time,” celebrity wrangler Robert Tuchman tells me, stars charge—even for fundraisers and other pityfests, unless the event benefits the star’s own charity, foundation or pet passion.

We’re usually talking fees in the thousands of dollars. Or maybe, if the star is feeling generous, just a Rolex watch or three.

Sometimes a celebrity will waive those fees when charities come calling; Ryan Seacrest told Larry King that he and the American Idol judges donated their per-episode salaries for the most recent Idol Gives Back fundraiser. “We’re all going to give back what we would make on that night, you know, for doing that regular episode,” Seacrest told King.

But for every one of those stories, there are plenty of tales of your favorite star commanding big bucks to raise money for charity. Take a peek after the jump.

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Brian Ach/WireImage.com

How much do celebs get paid to host evenings at the clubs? Us normal people can't go anywhere near the VIP section, so why pay them to be there?
—Lorna

Actually, it's a safety measure. You really don't want to get too close to the hot, sulfurous air being blown out of Heidi & Spencer's various orifices. Might cause third-degree burns. So listen up.

Top-name celebrities charge up to $50,000 for two hours work, according to Robert Tuchman, whose TSE Sports & Entertainment company does nothing but book celebrities for hosting gigs.

By top-name, we mean Lindsay Lohan and up, not Spiedi and down. See what B- and C-listers bank, and why you're not allowed anywhere near them, after the jump.

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Dara Kushner/INFGoff.com

When celebs travel with their dogs to, say, Hawaii, what's the lowdown? How about overseas? Do they get special treatment?
—M.A.

If you're asking whether Jackson P. Mutley commands some superelite quarantining process involving his own tiny canopy bed whenever he goes abroad with Mariah Carey, the answer is no. When it comes to import rules, exotic locales—within the U.S. and outside of it—do not make exceptions for star pets. They still need their rabies shots.

But that doesn't mean A-listers don't ship their pets in style. In fact, for a few thousand dollars—if, you know, you have that lying around—you can transport your pet in the same grand manner as those belonging to Orlando Bloom and other A-listers.

Exactly how, after the jump.

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INCO/FAME Pictures

I'm so confused. I just read that Nicole Kidman is allegedly pregnant. Seriously, she looks about as pregnant as a stick bug after digesting a big leaf.
—Sterveen

She is, in fact, pregnant. And for the record, your analogy doesn't work, because, unlike Ms. Kidman, stick bugs are cold blooded animals that—wait. Never mind. Hey, how about some more of your Burning Q's?

How do celebrities deal with body hair? Maybe Matthew McConaughey can get away with blond chest stubble between waxings, but with all the crotch shots we've been subjected to lately, you'd think we'd see more 5-o'clock shadow down there.
—Karen

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Jamie McCarthy/WireImage.com

Mariah got married just as her new album came out, and both Ashlee Simpson and Scarlett Johansson announced engagements close to their CD releases. This can't be a coincidence, right? Do celebrities time their "big announcements" with a new project?
—Charlotte, Tampa Bay, Fla.

You mean, did Mariah Carey deliberately schedule her "secret" wedding to Nick Cannon—a romance so private you have to have to go all the way to the People site to learn the details? Did Ashlee possibly give herself pregnantitis by that terrifying, greasy eyeliner man just to stay alive in the charts?

Well, yes. And no. My precise meaning after the jump.

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20th Century Fox

What's up with MILF-qualified Cameron Diaz being cast in What Happens in Vegas? Since she's closer to 40 than she is to 30, the movie looks creepy/ridiculous.
—K.S.

Funny, I just assumed Ashton Kutcher was a method actor. His real-life wife, Demi Moore, is 45, you know. Let's answer more, more, more of your burning Q's!

Is Hannah Montana being replaced because of Miley's Vanity Fair picture?
—Kayla, Redmond, Wash.

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Seth Browarnik/WireImage.com

How many people does an A-list celebrity typically employ?
—J.S.

The care and feeding of celebrities requires two breeds of minion. The household help—cooks, nannies, butlers—usually work directly for the star. The satellite people—lawyers, nutritionists, trainers, publicists, agents—work for themselves and charge an hourly or monthly rate.

But exactly how much assistance a star needs depends on how rich and fabulous—or fertile—he or she is. Brangelina and their We-Are-the-World peanut gallery have different needs than, say, Beyoncé and Jay-Z, who have only two—albeit hefty—egos to feed.

Follow me past the jump, and I'll tell you exactly how many lackeys are required in both kinds of households—plus the minion count for a third, mystery diva.

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Theo Wargo/WireImage.com

We always see celebrity women with a huge entourage and assistants, but do the guys have assistants, too? I mean the macho guys like George Clooney and Brad Pitt, even Ving Rhames?
—Leticia

Yes. And sometimes.

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NBC Photo: Trae Patton

I love watching Deal or No Deal, but it drives me crazy when Howie says, "$100,000 is enough to change your life!" After taxes, won't the contestant only end up with half of that? Is Howie just out of the loop?
—Sarah, Cincinnati

Come, come. How can anyone who shares screen time with George W. Bush on national television be seen as out of the loop?

A Deal spokesman didn't return a call and an email asking for comment, but most game shows—such as The Price Is Right—do not pick up a contestant's tax tab. The winnings count as nonemployee income on a tax return.

So let's say you have Mary Q. Coffeecozy from Racine, Wisc., and she makes $40,000 a year. Then she wins $100,000 from The Banker. Here's how her life changes:

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WB

With all the hype on The Hills, I decided to check it out. It seemed kinda scripted to me—is it?
—A. Mendez

You've heard the hype, but you haven't heard this? Well, it depends on what you mean by scripted. Lauren Conrad has said that certain scenes are reenacted to make for cleaner storytelling. But officially, the show has no writers, Conrad says.

Whatever happened to the cast of Roswell? Obviously, Katherine Heigl is doing OK these days, but where did everyone else end up?
—Lady Bird

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