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The Problem Isn't John Mayer—It's John Mayer's Penis
Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images
Sure, John Mayer's sorry and sorrier, but where's the apology from his penis? Because, make no mistake, that's the guy who got Mayer into trouble.
If you read the offending Playboy interview—the whole thing, and not just the pulled-apart pull quotes—you'll find Mayer is a lovesick puppy who's on a Sally Field-ian mission to be liked, and his penis is a cocky SOB who can't stop showing off. Even when he really, really, really should.
Or as one wise soul put it to us:
"Letting your d--k do the talking is probably a no-no. Letting your d--k do the talking about race is probably a no-no-no."
That's Sam Yagan, cofounder and CEO of OkCupid.com, the online dating site. We called up Yagan because last fall OkCupid analyzed the messaging habits of its users, and broke down the results by gender, ethnicity and race. One of its conclusions made us think of Mayer: "White guys are s--tty."
The study's overall conclusion likewise made us think of Mayer, or, rather, of the Grammy-winner's David Duke-invoking penis: "What the data showed very clearly is there is a racial bias in dating," Yagan said.
None of this is earth-shattering, mind you, but it does put Mayer's member in context: He's not alone.
Except that, really, he is.
"I think in general," Yadan said, "people don't want to talk about race under any circumstances."
Oh, but Mayer's penis, mistakenly believing it had a jerk pass, loooved talking race to Playboy—dropping the N-word needlessly here, comparing his own bad-boy self to a white supremacist weirdly there, and obliterating all the human stuff the lovesick puppy was trying to express elsewhere in the interview.
"Definitely, he needs to relax," said Sidney Williams of the soon-to-launch Science of Dating site.
Williams was talking about Mayer, but he might as well have been talking about Mayer's penis—the guy who couldn't help but boast of being hit by Jessica Simpson's "sexual napalm."
Comments like this, the neuroscience-grounded Williams said, "show [a] lack of confidence, or are evidence that you lose your cool easily."
When Mayer was Mayer and not his penis, he was a different person—he didn't speak all that out of school, for instance, on Jennifer Aniston, or brazenly assert that their May-July romance was doomed because he had "a f--kin' gerontophobic c--k."
Now a chastened Mayer has taken a vow of media silence, a bit of misdirection right up there with Elizabeth Edwards (supposedly) threatening to sue a man other than John Edwards for her ruined marriage.
It's not Mayer who needs to keep it zipped—ever since Ben Affleck stopped oversharing some years back, there hasn't been a celebrity of his caliber so willing to analyze being analyzed—it's his penis.
It's about time that guy stopped talking like a you-know-what.
________
Check out today's Gossip Guru videoblog to find out who else John Mayer should probably be apologizing to.
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