The moral of tonight's episode of Vanderpump Rules, class? Don't cross Lisa Vanderpump. And if you do, don't expect to be forgiven easily. Or at all. Just ask Stassi Schroeder.
The former SUR employee began her apology in earnest tonight with a visit to her old boss and friend to, as she put it, "kiss that ring." Only problem? Lisa had no intention of allowing Stassi's lips near her ring. She was lucky they were even allowed inside the restaurant. But there she was anyway, surprising Lisa with her green dress ("an apologetic color," according to Stassi) and a handful of cash.
Yes, Stassi came correct and opened up about how the sex tape everyone as abuzz with last season was being shopped around by an ex-boyfriend who apparently worked at SUR and demanded $900 to keep it from getting out. While the star of the tape refused to pay, it seems her benevolent boss went above and beyond to protect her employee (and her restaurant/show's reputation) and forked over the cash. And then Stassi did what she did anyway.
Naturally, Lisa didn't really give a damn about the groveling occurring in her presence. A sampling of the withering words Vanderpump shot Stassi's way like the boss she is:
- "This old woman's kind of busy, if you know what I mean. I think that was the last thing you called me publicly, Stassi. I don't have any interest in anything you have to say, to be honest."
- "You had a boss and you had a good friend, and you f--ked it up. You really did. When you were 22, you didn't have a bloody pot to piss in, you know? And you came in here and I really had your back. I wish I hadn't, to be honest."
- "I don't want your money. It's an insult. It was 18 months ago."
- "You're not important enough to hate. Sit down."
- "I'm sure you're sorry because it suits you now to be sorry."
Translation: Lisa wasn't buying any of it.
Stassi wasn't the only one on the receiving end of Lisa's patented brand of laying down the law. The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star also had the small matter of jailbird Jax Taylor's felony arrest over a pair of stolen sunglasses to consider. And the way she cut him down to size after inviting him into her home was so frosty and flawless, it had us clapping at our TVs. "You always think you can take what's not yours. This is just your story going through life," she told him. "You feel that you can sleep with somebody even if it's your best friend's girlfriends. You feel that you can walk into a shop and you can take something without paying for it. I mean, do you feel that you could just take something from me? Why am I different? I'm not."
And then she suspended him without pay for two weeks and threw him out of her house. Like we said, all the clapping.
May we all be Lisa Vanderpump when we grow up.
- Can we take a moment to collectively marvel at the skewed morality of the people on this show?
Lala: "If he was some sexy drug dealer, had a s--t ton of money, that's hot. You stealing sunglasses is lame as f--k."
Scheana: "It's one thing borrow a couple bottles of Vanderpump Vodka. It's another to steal designer sunglasses from a store."
Jax: "If you're suspended for two weeks, you're on vacation. F--k it, we're gonna go and have some fun."
Jax, again, while ogling Hooters waitresses at his girlfriend's first day of work: "I'm sorry, the last time I was here, I don't remember the girls being this attractive."
This was all said in one hour of TV. Just saying.
- Stassi moved in with Kristen after breaking up with Patrick and having nowhere else to go: "I don't know if this says more about where I'm at with Kristen or where I'm at in my life."
- Never date someone Jax introduces you to, ladies of Los Angeles. Take Kristen's word for it: "Before Jax went to Hawaii, [he] introduced me to this friend Kevin. We hit it off. It's like a little single summer fling, a few nights stand—until he started squatting in my apartment."
- Scheana and Shay celebrated their one-year anniversary and James and Lala modeled for some matching underwear-and-socks company and if you managed to stay away during either of those scenes, you're better than we are.
- "You've been really stupid." It really doesn't matter who said this and who it was said about, as it's basically a blanket statement for a majority of tonight's behavior, right?
Vanderpump Rules airs Mondays at 9 p.m. on Bravo.
(E! and Bravo are both part of the NBCUniversal family.)