Do you hear that? That ominous silence?
That's the sound of a thousand bottles of wine lying in wait for one of their biggest nights of the year. No, it's not a holiday, but it might as well be one, on par with at least Arbor Day.
Yes, tonight is the premiere of The Bachelor, and normally, we are all about swigging that Cabernet while we laugh at the tears of women who may or may not be wearing unicorn masks. However, it's 2016, and this is the year our New Years resolutions are going to stick for more than three days. This year, we're aiming for a week at minimum, so we're leaving those wine bottles to wait for another time to shine. Tonight's all about furthering our quest to become the new and improved us.
So what that means for you is that we have no Bachelor drinking game to play. Instead, we have something betterish: A guide to using The Bachelor to make yourself happier and healthier in 2016.
It's basically a drinking game with no drinking. You're welcome!
—When anyone says the word "wife" or "husband," do 2 push-ups.
—When anyone cries or threatens to cry (including you), give yourself a hug, because emotions are important and it's healthy to acknowledge them.
—When anyone says the word "love," text someone you love and tell them so.
—When anyone drinks alcohol on screen, take a big drink of water.
—When any two people kiss, take a big bite of the nearest food.
—Whenever Chris Harrison promises that something big, crazy, or dramatic is coming up, psych yourself up like a boxer warming up before a fight.
—Whenever there's a gratuitous bikini shot, grab your least favorite body part and give it an affectionate squeeze.
—When you hear a Ben pun or a bad joke, laugh as hard as you can.
—When things get inappropriate, do 2 lunges.
—When you find yourself cringing or saying "WTF," take 2 deep breaths and run around the room as fast as you can without injuring yourself or others.
—When anyone is nervous, do your funniest dance move
—When Ben is confused, do a somersault.
—When anyone talks about how many girls there are, do 25 jumping jacks.
—When someone wears something strange on their head, attempt a head stand.
—When someone's name is Lauren, throw your hands in the air and wave them like you just don't care.
—When you find yourself never wanting to go to the dentist again, floss.
—Whenever Ben says or does something incredibly smooth, do some equally smooth body rolls.
—When the show ends, take a bow. You did it!
The Bachelor premieres tonight at 8 p.m. on ABC.