Are you guys ready to run for your lives? Well, according to the tropes of the horror genre, you'd better hope you're not a chick. Because apparently chicks can't run without falling, right? Whenever we watch horror films, we're almost always sure that we know who's going to die next based on the super-simple fact that we've seen this all before.
We call ‘em as we see ‘em: Started excavating on an old Indian burial ground? Heh. You're screwed. About to call for help? Nope. No cell service, sorry. With Halloween coming up, we thought you'd all like to know how you too can avoid dying in a horror film. Just don't tell your friends, because really only one or two of you are going to make it…
1. Don't sex yourself to death
Probably one of, if not the most well known horror trope of all time: you can get sexy, but don't expect to live through it. Think back to Cabin in the Woods. You can already sort of tell something is going to happen, what with the fog and nighttime and all, but there was always a slim chance for escape—until they started hooking up. Cue the killer zombie Buckner family, who promptly dispatch the poor girl before she could finish what she started. Resist the urge, folks. You'll end up without a head.
2. Babies will end you
Right up there with death by sexy time is possible death by baby. If you or a loved one gives birth during the film, the chance that the little tike is really a demon spawn is close to 100 percent. The only solution? Avoid horror situations if you're expecting. It's really in your (and everyone else's) best interest.
3. Disturbing the dead is a stupid idea
We mentioned the Indian burial grounds earlier, but now we're bringing them back. We really feel the need to drive this point home, because it seems like it should be common sense despite the numerous people who still do it. If you even so much as suspect that you're on or near a sacred burial ground, leave it the hell alone. The spirits need their rest, and they're way crankier than you are in the mornings when they're woken up unceremoniously.
4. Camping and cabins aren't such a great idea
Sure, it sounds like a fun time, but spending the night in a fabric house in the middle of some deserted campground could mean the end of your sorry butt. Tents don't work the way blankets do: they won't make you invisible to all the things that go bump in the night. Instead, they're like death magnets. Every evil thing within a ten-mile radius (or more) will absolutely find you and have way too much fun scaring you to the point that you pee yourself before finally ending your life.
5. Neither is drinking and/or drugs
Hey, guys! Let's impair our decision-making skills and reaction time while letting our guard down in this creepy abandoned house (or tent, whatever)! Nope. Nope, nope, nope.
6. Or being a teenager
Teen horror flicks abound. They usually go hand-in-hand with our friends' "death by sexy time" and "drinking and/or drugs" to create the perfect trifecta of "how did you not see this coming?"
7. Even if you land a shot, don't ever assume the killer is defeated
They're not. Evil never stops, it never rests, and it never goes away. Instead, it baits you until your foolish human pride lets you think you've won. Hah. Dead. If Evil could laugh at you, it would.
8. If the phone rings, don't answer
Just pretend that the call isn't for you just like you do when a telemarketer or your mother-in-law calls. If you do answer, odds are you'll have seven days to ponder your silly mistake before someone finds your lifeless body.
9. Trust your pets
So you walk up to this mad creepy abandoned house, just looking to do a little urban exploration (read: artful trespassing with a camera), and your dog, who you've brought along for some reason, starts going ballistic. We're talking whining, barking, howling and dragging his paws as he refuses with all his might to be dragged into the building behind you. What gives? Fido's sixth sense is telling him that there's evil afoot, and, owner be damned, he wants no part of it. If more horror protagonists listened to their furry friends, maybe they wouldn't need exorcisms and such. Just saying.
10. Always take imaginary friends seriously
Kids know things, and don't ever doubt it. That's how Mama and The Shining got started. It's easy for evil to prey on kids, because they're gullible mini-adults. They really are. So when your kid runs up to you and tells you that his or her imaginary friend has an appetite for animals or other children, you should probably reconsider your place of residence. You know, in case you're accidentally living on one of those conveniently located Indian burial grounds.
OK, now stay safe out there, kids!