SPARTANBURG PUB SAFETY DEPTSadly, this is a true story. Some schmuck dialed 911 when his girlfriend denied him sexy time. Thankfully he paid for his ridiculousness in the end.
According to the arrest report, officers responded to a domestic disturbance call and found Patrick Doggett boozin' it up outside.
The report says Doggett called 911 because his girlfriend, Faye Woodruff, "would not give him any ass." Jesus take the wheel.
Woodruff stated that she did not want to have sex with him because "she had her grandchild with her." She also stated that Doggett had been drunk all day and did not know where he was.
The girlfriend of the South Carolina man "was also advised of the eviction process," and boy do we hope she followed through on those words of wisdom.
Thankfully, he was arrested for being a drunkass mess in public. The 53-year-old male was placed in a holding cell because he was too much of a wastey-face to handle his crumbling life. Swoon, right?
We would rather go steady with Donald Trump's hair than stay with this foolio. Plus literally any other guy would have to be light-years more attractive than this one. Show him the door, girl!
What would you do in this situation? Sound off in the comments below!
In other legal news, Kim Richards pleads no contest.